AN OPEN LETTER TO TC

Today I bring you a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers - Mooog, from Mental Poo. He's short, he's funny, and he likes to talk about balls, sperm, and poo. Is there any wonder why I'm his No. 1 fan?

If you are interested in participating in Guest Blog Saturday, leave a comment below or e-mail me. And if you think Mooog is as funny as I do, don't forget to go visit his site - where there are plenty more posts to keep you laughing.

XXX

Dear TC (toilet clogger):

First off, I’d just like to say “Thank You.”

Yes…thank you OH SO MUCH for starting off my day in such a delightful manner.

Nothing delights me more than to walk into the men’s room first thing in the morning…

…and seeing a giant, toilet-clogging bowel movement there in the toilet….

…smiling up at me.

(Seriously…it was SMILING…how the HELL did you do that?!  Kudos to you!)

Anyway…

I tried to flush that f*cker but NOOOOOOOOOO….

…would your giant BM go down? 

No.

Not without a fight, apparently.

As I slowly watched the water level rise in the toilet, I thought three things:

      1) This stupid f*cksh*t has robbed me of my blue water moment….(the time where you’re first in the bathroom, and are greeted with that wonderful, crystal blue toilet water);

      2) I really like teriyaki;

      3) Great…now I’ll need to use the handicapped stall

Thanks to your magnanimous poo, I’m now forced to go into the handicapped stall.

This, I’m sure, is preferred by most people….as the handicapped stall has the following accompaniments:

     1)       It’s own sink;

     2)       Extra square footage (really…it’s like it’s own little apartment…except it smells like sh*t)

     3)       Wall-mounted handles and bars for extra leverage (which probably would have helped you launch that giant load of crap)

I’m not so happy, though…

...as, you see, I’m only a little over five feet tall.

Handicapped toilets are higher than regular toilets.

I’m assuming that this is because crippled people have to poo, too….

…and getting in and out of the chair has GOT to be bitch if the john is too low to the ground.

For me, though, it’s a hop UP.

So..there I am….

…sitting there with my pants around my ankles…

…my feet limply dangling in front of me….

…hovering three inches off the floor.

I’m immediately taken back to the days where my mom used to put me in the seat of the shopping cart at the grocery store…

(except this time, though, I’d be able to hop down and chase the car as she tried to speed away…bitch)

Thankfully, I have these wall-bars to help me gain some backpressure leverage to get this puppy out…

…as, with my little dangly feet hanging there helplessly, I can no longer use the “bending-over-squeeze-and-thrust” method for evacuating my bowels.

I hope you’re happy.

...and more importantly…

I hope you’re DONE for the day….

…this feet-dangly thing sucks.

Sincerely,

Mooog

Comments

[Daisy]

You should come to my house. Our seven year old shits like a grown man. You'd have tons of material...literally.

[Buzzardbilly]

Excellent guest blogger choice, Cookiebitch!

I don't know what I laughed at harder: the story or the picture of mooog on that toilet.

[Ree]

Oh mah holy hell. I'm not sure whether to laugh hysterically or feel tragically sorry for Mooog. ;-)

[Veronica]

Gotta love the TC.

[Marie]

I should know by now not to read Cookiebitch right after lunch.

[zoe]

omg. now you are filling my brain with images of midgets pooing. thanks. i think you are trying to torment me. my son-he is the total tc. everytime.

[witchypoo]

I wish my poo made a smiley face. Maybe he couldn't bear to erase the joy?