THE DANGERS OF FREE BOOBIN'

Over the years I have increasingly become a hermit in my own house for the simple reason that most things just aren't worth putting a bra on for.

Sundays, especially, are treasured days in which I not only refuse to wear a bra, I also don't wear any pants. I just wander around the house in a ripped over-sized T-shirt, not caring what privates hang out or are exposed. Fuck anyone who doesn't like it either, because this is my day to let it all hang out, to be comfortable, and to do as I wish - which is usually eat chicken wings half naked. I'm telling you ... it makes for easy clean up - just hose me off and I'm done!

My propensity for free boobin', anti-pants Sundays is probably why our friends no longer visit us on the weekends. This is also why, when our elderly neighbor came over to ask if he could borrow our pressure washer, he had to be given oxygen. Oh well. Again, I don't give a fuck. It's my house. Don't come knockin' if you don't want to see the boobs rockin'.

Besides, the rest of the time, when I'm outside of my home, I am a good little conformist. I really have to be. Because when you are a well-endowed bitch like I am, you can't hide the fact you aren't wearing a bra in public. The boobs are simply EVERYWHERE, flopping around in separate directions and pointing every which way. It is something like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away. I'd probably knock over little old ladies or innocent children if I let them out free. As they continue to sag with age, I've also developed a fear of getting them sucked into an escalator, or caught in the rotating belt at the grocery check-out line. Can you just imagine THAT call to 911?

This is why if I do leave the house, 99 percent of the time I make sure to put the girls up in a bra, where they are locked and loaded. This also allows me to arrange them so the nipples are at least pointing in the same general direction (hopefully somewhat north) instead of completely opposite directions (south east and south west.)

The only time I do not put them in a bra is if I'm going to a drive thru, or to do something very quickly - like get gas. Even then, I tend to layer over my boobs so it isn't as obvious - a tank top, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt and a coat. One time, in mid-July, I passed out from the heat of all those clothes. But at least I did so in a dignified fashion.

I only wish other women were as thoughtful as I am. Because it seems like free-boobin' has become the norm in today's society. Everywhere I go I see breasts flopping right, breasts flopping left.

I know that men like to see this - treat it as a present from God, actually. But it's just so DISTRACTING. A young woman with small, perky breasts was at the grocery store yesterday and was wearing a tight-fitting, thin, knit top with no bra. She might as well have been naked. I could see every curve, every point, every bump so to speak. They were like little bowls of jello jiggling here, jiggling there. And for the life of me, I couldn't stop staring. I was fascinated. Me. A straight woman. I just couldn't look away. So you can imagine how many shopping carts were crashing into each other around her. I saw one man actually get a boner on aisle 5, while a baby on aisle 4 started crying because he was reminded he was hungry.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it are the large-breasted, older women like <sob> me. The ones who said goodbye to perky about 5 to 10 years ago and now have to lift their boobs up in the shower to scrub underneath. I see many of these kinds of women just nonchalantly walking around in the mall, or outside at the park, or at the grocery store with their boobs flopping free. Again, I can't seem to look away - but this time it's because I'm petrified of them.

Because really ... who wants to be at a coffee shop and worry about a sagging ball of fat flopping into their decaf non-fat latte? Who wants to make their kids wear helmets in case one of these free-flying boobages smacks them in the face and gives them whiplash? And the biggest danger? That these free-boobers will turn around quickly enough to fling their saggy breast in such a way that it spills out their arm hole. SO. NOT. ATTRACTIVE. Also not attractive? When your boobs knock against your knees as you walk. That shit is just WRONG.

These women obviously didn't have a mother like mine - who pointed to the natives in our National Geographic magazine and told me that if I didn't wear a bra, my boobs would be down to my belly button like the woman with the bone sticking through her nose. Gravity, I was constantly reminded, was not my friend. And to this day, I hate that bastard gravity. Because even though I wear a bra 6 days a week, in just that one day out of seven it has managed to grab hold of my boobs and pull them down like they are made of Silly Putty.

My problem is I'm just not able to give up my one day of free-boobin'. The girls need a break. And while there are comfortable bras out there, it's not as comfortable as NOT wearing a bra. Unless of course, you are running, jumping, or doing another aerobic activity. Then a bra is essential in keeping injuries at bay.

Which brings me to my next free-boobin' point: If you do decide to free-boob in public, for the love of all that is right in the world, do not also decide to jog to your car or run to the ladies room. That shit just makes me grab my own boobs in sympathy pain. OW. EEEEEEEE.

So let's recap here: Free boobin' is a good thing in the comfort and privacy of your own home - or if you are young, perky and trying to get laid. It is not a good thing if you are large-breasted, over 35, breast-feeding, running in a triathlon, or a combination thereof. It can also be dangerous - not only for you, but for those around you. So be aware of those dangers and take precautions.

Sure, free, unencumbered breasts are great things. Until someone loses an eye. Let's be responsible boob-wielders, ladies. With great power, comes great responsibility.

P.S. That goes for you free-ballers out there too. Keep those boys tucked and rolled will yah? I don't need to see the right one falling out of your shorts at the gas station. Besides, just like the boobs, age and gravity is not kind to balls. I'd hate for you to sit on one of them and do permanent injury. I'm just sayin'.

Comments

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

NOTE TO SELF: Need Windex and paper towels.

[Me.]

There is scientific evidence that wearing or not wearing a bra has NO effect on the firmness or saggyness of your sweater puppies.

[Daisy]

You are a freak. Bras are not that uncomfortable. I can't NOT wear one unless I'm lying around, otherwise they hurt like hell.

[Miss J]

"It is something like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away."

For me, it's more like guinea pigs, but they are nonetheless constantly trying to escape.

Boobs. Can't live with 'em, can't get laid without 'em.

[Dave]

Y halo thar fatass.

Nobody wants to see it. Put a mumu on and accept your role in life.

[leigh]

it's a good thing i wasn't drinking near my computer. i too am bemoaning my youthful perkiness. long live victorias secret.

[Melanie]

Ok. i too am ENDOWED. free boobin is only at home... but as soon as I walk in the house... FREEEEEdem.

[Neil]

Truly uplifting!

[TexasMom]

Hysterical!!
i have HUGE boobs so to be free of the torture device aka a bra, i love some free boobin' time at home.
sure, they're going to sag more but geez they need a break sometimes!!

[Talina]

Free boobin huh? I can't do that. I teach dance and that does not go well with free boobin' at all. It's "like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away"... LOL
Plus my shirts always rub my nipples raw when I am free boobin... :-(