Today's blog topic came up while chatting with Susan, The Crazy Radio Chick, at Tropic Wave radio today. If you missed the show, you can listen to a replay by clicking here.
Susan and I had a great time, as did all my homeys who showed up in the live chat room. Thanks to Susan and all of you who shared in my world radio debut. I'd give you all hugs, but you know how I feel about that. So you'll have to settle for a cyber high-five. Just make sure your hands are clean. Better yet, wear a rubber glove. I don't know where you've been. But I have an idea, and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.
A special thanks also to Psychicgeek, Sarcasticmom, Chantal, and Joe, who are all fantastic bloggers in their own right. You guys I'll high-five without the glove. Well, maybe.
XXX
I realize I'm a shoe whore, and a bit of a shoe snob. I realize that not everyone - including me - can afford to buy a pair of fine Manolo's, or Christian Louboutin's, although I do believe in a perfect world every woman should own at least one pair of designer heels, just to make them feel sexy and powerful. If you take them off and turn them over, stiletto heels also make a wonderful weapon if rammed into someone's ball sack. Just FYI.
However, there are basic shoe rules that everyone should know, embrace and understand no matter what their budget or taste may be. Please take a moment to review these. Print them out if you can, and hand them out liberally to the dumbasses you see on the street wearing socks with sandals or those lazy bastards who wear their house slippers to the market. If we all work together, we can change the world - or at least their feet - one pair at a time.
1. Do not wear socks with open toe ANYTHING. If your feet are cold, it is time to wear closed-toe shoes. Socks worn with sandals scream to the world that you are a) a virgin or b) old and senile. And don't think that the KIND of socks matter. Any type of sock worn with any type of sandal is unacceptable. If you are wearing dress socks with a dress sandal, you are still a complete dork and will never, ever have sex.
2. Plastic shoes are not really shoes - they are chew toys. I'm talking mostly about Crocs, those fucking ugly shoes that are all the rage these days because they are supposedly so comfortable. Some people call them "waffle" shoes, which disturbs me even more. You should never, as a rule of thumb, wear something on your feet named after a breakfast food. There are comfortable shoes out there that don't make you look like a social retard and that are made of different material than your garbage can (which is ironic when you think about it since Crocs ARE garbage.) Susan told me on the air she uses a pair of Crocs as a chew toy for her dog, which is the only acceptable use I see for them, besides beating someone to death you see wearing them. It's a mercy killing, trust me.
3. Grow the hell up. Don't wear cutesy little socks with frogs or baby chicks or hearts on them. What are you, 5? Wear grown up socks, with grown up shoes. And if you even own socks with individual toe holes in rainbow colors, SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. You may even want to commit yourself. These aren't funny anymore. They are pathetic.
4. This is mostly for you men out there - brown and black are both neutrals. But that does not mean that you should wear brown socks with black dress shoes (or visa versa). If you are color blind, label them or have someone help you. Again, I'm thinking about your penis here. If you want a girl to touch it ever again, trust me on this.
5. Flip flops are not shoes. They are beach wear, or at the very most "slip them on quickly to let out the dog to take a shit before he spackles on the kitchen floor" wear. They should not be worn at work, or at any occasion that involves seeing anyone that you wouldn't feel comfortable farting in front of. And plat-form flip flops are NOT dressy or a substitute for a high heel. Again, grow the hell up. Buy a shoe without a plastic toe divider. Walk on the wild side.
6. If you've owned your shoes for more than five years, it is time to get new shoes. If I love a pair of shoes, I'll take them to the cobbler (yes, I have a cobbler, shut up about it) and have them "revitalized." But you can only do this so often. If there are holes in your shoes, it kind of defeats the purpose of wearing any. It also makes you appear to be homeless. You can get good shoes on any budget (unless you are homeless, in which case the look works for you). And don't give me that crock of shit about them being "broken in" and "comfy."
7. For the love of all that is decent, if you have ugly, mutilated, and/or hairy troll-toes, keep them covered in a closed-toe shoe. Seriously. I don't want to have to see that shit. It makes me want to hurl, and may even be a health hazard. Even if you don't have ugly troll feet, you should take care of them, especially during summer sandal season. When you have old chipped nail polish on nails that look like they could slice a tomato in half, it is time to take out the clippers, or go for a pedicure. Unless you are a crack whore, since that's the look you're obviously going for.
8. Birkenstocks, where do I begin? I know they are comfortable. Whatever. The 60s are over. Shave your pits, put down the joint and take the Berk's off. If you absolutely have to wear them, wear them around the house, or at the neighbor's love-in. But not every day, for every occasion. All it does is tell people that you probably smell and shouldn't drive heavy machinery.
There are probably more, but that's a good start. Join with me, dear readers of Cookiebitch, in liberating people's feet everywhere. It's a tragedy to know that right now, somewhere in America there is a woman wearing clogs and athletic socks. (I didn't even mention clogs, which should be legally banned unless you are a clog dancer. So many ugly, sexless shoes, and so little time!) It's time to stop the insanity.
I KNOW you have had shoes for longer than five years....when did that rule start?
There is something to be said for comfort dear Cookie, and some of us that have to walk around all day long need a good sturdy shoe. I'm not saying a pair of hot pink clogs is necessary, but stilettos will not do either. The only people than can walk for an extended amount of time in stilettos are crack whores and they are HIGH so they don't feel the pain in their feet.
Posted by: Daisy | February 05, 2008 at 01:56 PM
OK, OK!!
now, i have to say that the flip flops are a necessity in texas. it's hot as fuck here in the summer, so you do what you gotta do.
and crocs, hell yes i rock the crocs on a DAILY basis and anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ass. i am a nursing student and FT mom, i am barely surviving each day, you think i worry about someone thinking my shoes are ugly? nope.
i also enjoy my cute, crazy socks. i'm 29 and i will likely be wearing crazy socks well into old age...
all that said, i do keep my feet looking nice and clean and nails painted. so, if i'm not violating THAT rule, which IMHO is the most important of all rules you listed, then i will happily wear my flip flops, crocs and goofy socks with pride--knowing there are no funky toes in my silly shoes and socks.
love your site...
Posted by: TexasMom | January 24, 2008 at 09:07 PM
Seems to me I knew this girl in college (she was EXACTLY like you) and she would never cut her toe nails. They were deadly weapons when used with the proper martial arts moves. She was famous for never wearing practical shoes. And now further amazes me when she is visiting the great white north and I pick her up at the airport and she is BITCHING about how cold she is while her feet go flap,flap,flap in her poorly chosen flip-flop footwear.
Posted by: Star | January 21, 2008 at 01:24 PM
Cookie,
I have to totally agree with Shoe Rules 1, 4,5,6,7,&8.
Socks with sandals? redundant!
Brown socks with black shoes? I've seen worse, but yeah. NO!! Don't do it, man!
Flip flops are a HOT weather thing and strictly NOT to be warn with godd@mn jeans or other long pants. If it's cool enough to wear jeans/pants, then it's too cool for flip flops.
Old shoes, unless they are vintage and never-have-been to hardly-ever worn, are sloppy and make you look cheap.
Some people should just not show their feet. EVER. Regardless of pedicures. You know who you are. Keep em covered. They scare me.
Birkenstocks. It's possible they are comfortable? I don't know. They look like something you'd buy just to get the free bong.
#2Crocs. I always said I'd never own a pair because they were hideous. But 99.99% of the Aussie population has them, and in trying to keep up with those oh-so-fashionable Aussies, I tried a pair on, you know, just as an experiment, and OH MY GOD, I bought them, fugly and all. I only wear them when I'm cleaning house or gardening, but have worn them to the supermarket a time or 2. Hey, as a yank DownUnder, I stick out like dogs balls (as they say here, charming eh?) so I will defend my Crocs by saying they help me BLEND! lol
#3--My name is Tigerlilly and I'm a "fun sock" girl. There. I admit it. However, unlike RockStarMommy, I can't wear them in public, because I can't pull it off. I'm just not a "cute" kind of girl. I just don't have it. I lack that gene. So unless you pull up my pant leg or come to my house, you'll never know I've got em on. I just like fun socks. Right now I've got on pink ones with purple flying pigs on them!
Posted by: tigerlilly | January 21, 2008 at 11:13 AM
I have broken rule # 5 and worn high heeled flip flops to work. I am so...ashamed...
Posted by: Candy | January 21, 2008 at 09:17 AM
I recently discovered your blog and quite frankly, I'm a serious shoe snob as well. Added to this, the first thing I need to know about a guy is if he owns/has on a decent pair of shoes. Cause seriously, I ain't about to approach this said-gentleman rocking the Tevas.
Posted by: Katie | January 21, 2008 at 08:01 AM
I sin when it comes to the birks. And the shoes over 5 years old.
I hate ankle boots. If you want to wear a boot, wear a boot. If you want to wear a shoe, wear a shoe.
white tennies with jeans. or anything. ugh.
Posted by: Dawn | January 20, 2008 at 01:18 PM
Brilliant post!
Kath
aka Croc Hater extraordinaire
ps- As an added point, I really think it should be part of our American way of life that bi-monthly pedicures should be tax deductible and required for everyone over the age of 12.
Posted by: Kath | January 20, 2008 at 08:49 AM
I'm afraid I have to take issue with your opinion of Crocs... but before you impale my head on a stiletto heel, hear me out! Crocs do have another legitimate use besides chew toys. They make great gardening shoes. I wouldn't DREAM of wearing anything else while fertilizing the lawn or turning the compost heap.
Posted by: Miss J | January 20, 2008 at 05:46 AM
I'm sorry but the "warning" they gave that your radio show might be "sensitive" was hilarious. All those young children out there surfing and coming across your radio show. What a hoot.
Posted by: Kiki | January 19, 2008 at 05:00 PM