IF MA INGALLS WERE TO GUEST BLOG

Hello dear readers of Cookiebitch, and those of you who got here by typing "perky nipples" into the google search bar. There are so many bloggers out there in the blogging universe that I thought I would participate in a little experiment to bring some of those bloggers to you. Hence Saturdays will become devoted to bringing you guest blogs from around cyber space.

Today we begin with a guest blog from my friend Dawn at Kaiser Alex, who speculates what would have happened if a famous television mother had been able to blog. I suspect this theme could be expanded to other TV mothers who could use a blog to tell us what they REALLY are thinking.

June Cleaver: "Today my asshole of a husband came in the door expecting me to once again rush to him with drink in hand and to take his coat like I'm some sort of concubine. He expects me to wear these fucking pearls and dress and have dinner ready for him every god damned day, like I don't have enough to do dealing with those bratty children. And really, why he insists on calling our son "Beaver" is beyond me - the boy will never get any beaver if he's called Beaver."

Carol Brady: "I have a strong suspicion that my husband may be gay. First of all, he insists on always perming his hair, which makes him look like a Queen. Also, I caught him yesterday listening to Barbara Streisand in the den. And I think he wears my underwear sometimes when I'm not looking. Oh well, at least I have that stud son of his, Greg, as a back-up. I'd like to teach him a thing or two."

You get the picture.

Anyway, without further delay, I bring you Dawn ... er ... Ma Ingalls. And If you would like to participate in Guest Blogging Saturdays, please comment or e-mail me.

XXX

It's so hard to come up with an identity for a blog. Should I be "Mary, Laura and Carrie's Mom?" Should I be "Caroline in the Middle of Nowhere?" Should I be "Charles' Wife in Charge?" Or perhaps I should go incognito with something like "Shmaroline Shmingalls" ... or maybe "Little House on the Prairie".

I suppose I don't have to worry about anonymity, no one in these parts has the internet, so it's not as if someone will know who I am. If it weren't for the love of Cookiebitch, I would be scratching this out on the dirt floor of my house with a dead stick.

I bring you, "Real Tales from the Little House". Hopefully the first of many installments secreted around the Internets.

My name is  Caroline. I grew up in a lovely house in a lovely town in Wisconsin. I met a hawt man named Charles with the sexiest smile and jawline I had ever seen. We were married and the next thing I know, here I am in a tiny shack in the middle of some fuckin' woods and my husband has grown out this beard and between the woods and beard, I'm beginning to think I'm living with the Unibomber. Fuck. Me. Runnin'.

Sigh. Apparently, it's time for me to drink some tea. I found some herbs growing in a sunny patch next to this godforsaken shack and I've found they make quite a relaxing tea ...

There now ... much better.

Before I was married, I taught school. Now there was a treat. Tiny room, students ages 6 to 16 all requiring 8 different lesson plans. I swear to ... oh no, I forgot, I'm a goody goody so I can't swear ...

Wait. Ladies swear on blogs don't they? Oh my ... I see prior to my tea that I actually swore a bit myself. My this tea does mellow a person doesn't it?

So. I taught school. It sucked. I got married. It sucks too, but at least there's no paperwork. Apparently there was supposed to be sex, but who can have sex when you live in a shanty in the middle of no where with two little girls who think a bear coming to eat them every time they hear Charles' sex noises. (I mean ... someone's coming ... but it's not a bear ... and it's not me either since I'm too damn busy listening for the sound of the girls waking up and trying to ignore the fact there is a baby sleeping nearby.)

How about having your wedding night in your mother-in-law's house? Or living with your in-laws that first year of marriage? Ugh. No thank you ever again. No wonder we didn't have Mary for five years.

So, that's me. Caroline. I have a 5-year-old daughter, Mary; a 3-year-old daughter, Laura; and a baby, Carrie. And a big Unibomber baby, Charles. I'm soooo looking forward to having a little place of my own and getting to know people better. I have so much to get off my chest - like having to butcher a pig while gagging on morning sickness, delivering three babies in this godforsaken shanty - don't even say the word epidural to me - the closest thing we have to an epidural in these parts is a bottle of hooch and a prayer. What about gun safety? Hell, I have to deal with a big ole ugly shotgun hanging over my front door, Charles wanted to start hanging the heads of his "trophies" on the wall but I told him that HE would be what the bears were shitting in the woods if he tried it.

Mmm ... food ...

This tea has made me hungry ...

Mmm. This is the best piece of salt pork slathered in raspberry jam that I have ever had. <giggle>

I wonder how this would mix with tobacco ... perhaps Charles could smoke it in his pipe ... what do you think, gentle reader?

XXX

(Ma Ingalls is available to guest blog for you upon request. She thanks Cookiebitch for the opportunity to blog for her, and Dawn at Kaiser Alex for the perverse sense of humor to contemplate what it would have been like if Ma Ingalls had access to a blog.)

Comments

[rachel-asouthernfairytale]

That is hysterical! I love her.

[Jamie]

Hilarious!

I loved Little House...thanks for bringing Ma Ingalls back! ;)

Life on the prairie...it always looked so lovely. I think it probably sucked for her, didn't it?

[Daisy]

I miss Little House on the Prairie

Pa, Ma and the school house...such memories!

[zoe]

charles as the unibomber!!!! can't. stop. laughing....gotta pee!

[tigerlilly]

huh.

I am totally flabbergasted. Here all this time I thought that Caroline Ingalls would never, for no amount of love or money, have said shit if she had a mouthful.

More please. I found this particularly hilarious!

[Ree]

Yes! I love it.

And if you think me worthy, I'd love to guest blog sometime.

[Veronica]

I love it!! Still giggling here.

[Dawn]

hahaha the photo is perfect!

[witchypoo]

I always suspected she was a closet blogger.