Take, for example, Newton's First Law that states "objects in motion stay in motion."
What a bunch of shit!
If Newton's law were true, I would never have stopped working out recently and would, at this very moment, not be afraid that my pants may burst apart, causing an unsightly, and unrestrained, display of stomach fat.
I have religiously gone to the gym for more than a year now - every morning at 6 a.m., five to six days a week. It is part of my new "I want to see my toes again" diet. It somewhat worked, in that I now have confirmed that I have toes - or at least toe tips. How those toe tips attach to my feet is still a mystery, however.
But in the last month, I've gotten out of the habit of working out. I can blame it on George W., who I blame everything else on. I could blame it on my mother, who gave me these fat genes in the first place. I could blame it on my new job, which is sucking up all my energy and time. I could even - god forbid - blame it on being a lazy pig. But I would rather blame it on physics and that pesky Newton, who gave me false hope that if I started working out, I would just keep doing it, no strings attached.
The thing is, I detest motion. I adore lethargy. I believe that when you feel the urge to do something, you should immediately make yourself a stiff drink, sit down on a soft couch or chair of some sort, put a blanket over you, and summon a cat to lay on your feet. This, to me, is logical. This is right. This is why cable television was created.
To get up, get dressed, go out in the dark and cold, drive yourself to the gym and sweat on some pain-inducing machine does not seem as logical. This seems wrong. Yet this is what we must do, if we are to continue to have a relationship with our toes.
So every morning, as the alarm goes off, signaling me to go to the gym, I have the same dialogue in my head:
Evil self: "You don't need to go to the gym today. You walked up and down the stairs at work three times yesterday. You have done enough. Why exhaust yourself?"
Good self: "But your pants don't fit anymore, and you almost passed out during that third trip up the stairs. Your toes are also planning a goodbye party. It's time to get back to work!"
Evil self: "But if I leave now, the cats won't have anyone to lay on. Think of the cats for godsake! Those poor, poor creatures! Oh the humanity!"
Good self: "But you threw out all your fat clothes, remember? Your choices are to work out, or to go to work naked."
Evil self: "Sweat pants always fit. Just pretend it's casual Friday. Or dress the sweats up with some pearls. Yeah, that will work."
Good self: "Think about how good you feel when you are in shape, though .. . "
Evil self: "Think of how good this bed feels, you moron! It's cold out there! It's warm under here! What are you, stupid?!"
And so it goes . . . the same conversation every morning. Sometimes my evil self wins. Sometimes my good self wins. But always - always - it's a battle.
If only Newton were right, and once I started working out it would just keep happening without all the pretense. If only my body would embrace the idea of motion, instead of revel in stillness.
But that's where the other half of Newton's First law fits in, I guess - "objects at rest stay at rest."
Once I slow down, even for a day, I tend to stay there. And now, it's almost impossible to get it going again. My body is at rest. And it has no plans to move.
Damn physics!
Now, can someone please get me another drink?
My good self has found the way to satisfy the evil self. Sex is the perfect answer. You're active, naked, you can have blankets and drinks... and a cat if so inclined. Evil self is on, or at least near the bed, the couch, the floor. Good self is moving. And ah, the lethargy after.....
Posted by: T-Mo | October 20, 2005 at 10:06 PM
I also detest motion. I keep telling myself I should take up hiking, or biking, or other verby action-type things. But it appears my Evil Self has been doing resistance, because it consistently overpowers my Good Self.
Posted by: Helena | October 20, 2005 at 12:21 PM
Obviously, Newton never heard about Mi Queso, Su Queso. Had he known of this delicious cheese extravaganza, he would have written his first law completely differently.
Posted by: Megan | October 18, 2005 at 05:39 PM
Newton also postulated that an object at rest tends to consume lots of ice cream and cheeseburgers.
ps-- both of our blogs are featuring famous physicists today. Weird.
Posted by: AJ | October 18, 2005 at 10:51 AM
Have you gone through the "must buy new workout clothes" stage yet? That's a personal favorite of mine.
Posted by: sandra | October 17, 2005 at 04:26 PM
At least you got to the gym. My doctor says that while I'm healthy and at an ideal weight, I need to exercise more. I've been planning my exercise regimen for five months. I have yet to see the inside of a health club.
Posted by: Rabbit | October 17, 2005 at 03:50 PM
I refreshed my college physics 101 and discovered that both of us have too much inertia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inertia
We need an external unbalanced force to act upon us daily to get our respective butts up and walking.
The economic definition somehow fits too.
Sorry. The physics reference stirred something deep in my geekness.
Posted by: Groonk | October 17, 2005 at 12:17 PM
Right before I decide to do a big workout, I suddenly feel a cold coming on. It's the weirdest thing :)
Posted by: Leesa | October 17, 2005 at 06:14 AM
Could you blame it on Fig Newtons?
Posted by: Neil | October 17, 2005 at 01:48 AM