GROCERY STORE CONFESSIONS

You think only your mother knows everything about you? Your best friend? Your spouse? Wrong!

There's someone else who knows more about you than all those people put together. They know when you're depressed but trying to hide it. They know when you're sick, just gone through a break-up, or are just trying to lose weight. They know when you think you might be pregnant, or have an embarrassing "itch."

Who are these people, you ask? Grocery store clerks. Yep. I can undoubtedly say Florence at Raley's knows just about everything about me. She knows a lot about other people, too. The woman could write her own gossip column. I'm just glad she doesn't.

Right now she knows I'm fighting yet another cold . . . as evidenced by the two boxes of Kleenex, DayQuil, NyQuil and throat lozenges I purchased in her line two days ago. She knew when I had a particularly stressful week when I had the extra big bottle of tequila and margarita mix. She knew when I was on a low-carb diet, thanks to the $300 of overpriced low-carb snacks I bought. And she knew when I purchased the 10 loaves of French bread I had embraced carbs - and my fat - again.

What you buy at the grocery store says a lot about you, and sometimes it's a little embarrassing. Take, for example, the teenager who was in line behind me the other day. I glanced over at his pile and saw two boxes of Lucky Charms, a tube of Chapstick, and a box of condoms. I could pretty much guess how he hoped the rest of his evening played out. Somewhere out there was a teenage girl who loved sugary cereal, leprechauns and smooth lips. Although if you still eat Lucky Charms you probably aren't old enough or mature enough to have sex.

I also remember being in line with a harried mother, who, amid the pile of diapers, formula and baby-wipes, had thrown in four boxes of condoms. When she saw me looking at her groceries, she just shrugged. She looked too tired to be embarrassed. At least she was taking control of the situation.

We've all revealed details about ourselves in grocery store lines. I've been known to throw 50 pounds of assorted chocolate around a box of Pamprin - a sure sign to Florence to just get me through the line quickly, before I start snarling or beating on other customers.

Before I was married, you could always tell if I was having boyfriend troubles not only by the extra large bottle of tequila, but the two cartons of Ben and Jerry's and the box of Kleenex. As an impulse buy, I may even grab the latest issue of Cosmo if it had a prominent article on "Why men suck."

And you could always tell I had a new boyfriend I was trying to impress when I had some expensive steaks I couldn't afford, fresh vegetables (which I would never purchase normally), ingredients for home-made apple pie, some stinky candles, and the latest issue of Bon Appetit so I would know how to make that apple pie.

By contrast, girl's night usually meant at least four bottles of wine, some new nail polish or hair dye, and an entire cheese cake. No need to impress your best buds with a four course meal when just dessert and a makeover will do.

When I was single, I also used the grocery line to find single men. No married man, unless his wife had recently left him or went to visit her mother, would be found in a grocery line with four Hungry Man dinners and a 12-pack. What kind of beer they bought also reflected their level of sophistication. I found it to be a good rule of thumb to avoid the 40-ounce beer guy. Budweiser guy or animal beer guy was a borderline choice, depending on how long it had been since your last date. Heineken or Newcastle, on the other hand, were definite keepers.

Our groceries are windows into our souls. Because of that, I'd like to take the time to publicly thank Florence, and other grocery clerks like her, who see our secrets every day, and manage to suppress a smirk or a grin and get us through the line with the least embarrassment possible. The next bottle of tequila or pint of Ben and Jerry's is for you. Just don't tell anyone.

****** Tell me about *your* most revealing grocery store purchase. Go ahead ... don't be shy*****

Comments

[7d]

i'm in wal-mart in a small rural alabama town and needed to pick up some condoms... regardless of what she says, i always wrap that rascal... condoms aren't an item you can typically just buy separately for some reason... so a half gallon of milk and a bag of chips seem to be the items of choice this particular evening...

the lines were packed but this young girl opened an express lane and didn't bat much of an eye as she rang me up... my in and out time was perfect and as i headed to the door, i was feeling pretty damn proud and was home free... or so i thought... as i passed through the doors, an alarm goes off…

for a brief second i think about bolting... instead i do the right thing and freeze in my tracks... this little old woman, probably easily in her 80s, comes over to check my receipt... one bag, three items... it definitely isn't the milk or chips that set it off... so she fishes out the box of condoms, raises them high over her head and yells out to the girl in the express lane, "did you sell these to this young man..?" as she waves them for all to see… i swear i thought all 19,000 people in that small town were there that night and they were all fixing their glares on me...

red faced and totally busted, i shrunk out of there as soon as this grandmotherly figure cleared the anti-theft device in my box of trojans...

needless to say, i now buy condoms separate from my groceries and typically from the local drug store…

[Helena]

Beautiful. Like Sandra, I'm always SO paranoid that the clerk and other people in line are eyeing my choices and judging me.

I hear them thinking, "Oh, like SHE needs another Pecan Sandie."

I think my most embarrassing buy would have to be every time Lean Cuisine goes on sale. I literally fill the cart.

Hey, they're good and they last forever! And when they're two bucks a pop, you can't beat it!

[Wombat and Midwest]

C-bitch, I spent six months taking every opportunity to line up at the check-out with an Asahi Super-Dry six-pack, in the hope of finding a date.

Ended up with my spare room full of beer, a gut, and an inexplicable appetite for sushi.

What gives?

Wombat

[Maringuy]

The grocery crowd could rake in a fortune's worth of supplemental blackmail income should they ever threaten to break their silence. I would argue that the prescription fillers of the world have plenty of ammunition as well.

[Leesa]

This is GREAT! Heineken guy is definitely a keeper.
I live in a very small town, so I DON'T shop here. Word spreads quickly :)

[Rabbit]

My worst experience was when along with my regular groceries I bought a box of condoms. Which wouldn't have bothered me, except that a teenager I had been a mentor to saw me and ran over to help me unload my cart (I just happened to be in her cashier friend's line). I think I managed to slip the Trojans past her, but I felt awkward knowing she might see them.

[Megan]

Ok, the grocery store clerks are people too. They have to buy food somewhere. I can't imagine that they don't have crazy combos of items as well. I think they understand. If not, they probably think I am a a total loon for buying tampons, a butter brush, sunflower seeds and Certain Dri last night.

[Sandra]

Oh my gosh. I get SO self-conscious about my grocery selection sometimes. And it's not just the check-out clerk who I worry about - I tend to eye people in line and ponder what they think about my food choices. I nearly apologized to a woman who seemed vegetarian (she had lots of tofu and veggies in her basket) for my steak selection the other day. And then there's the "must ingest crap" days , where I have been known to buy a frozen pizza, ice cream and both US Weekly and People.

[Megan]

Budweiser is never a borderline choice. It is the King of Beers and should be treated as such.