My niece is getting ready to go to college. It's an exciting time that has made me reminisce about my own college days - the anticipation of meeting new people, opening up new horizons and learning new things.
But a lot of what I learned in college, I realize, I learned outside of the classroom. So to save her some of the time and heartache of these lessons, I've summarized them here. For everything else, there's Cliffsnotes.
1. It is possible to learn an entire quarter of chemistry in 36 hours, with the help of No-Doze and Red Bull.
2. Imaginary animals will talk to you after studying an entire quarter of chemistry for 36 hours straight while consuming a package of No-Doze and 13 Red Bulls.
3. College guys are a lot cuter when you're in high school.
4. There is a certain amount of tequila that will make you think that shoving your tongue down an ugly computer science major's throat is a good idea.
5. There is no amount of tequila that can help you get rid of the memory of shoving your tongue down an ugly computer science major's throat.
6. Credit cards are cool!
7. Credit cards are evil!
8. It is possible to max out a credit card on just pizza and beer purchases. It is also possible to max out eight credit cards on just pizza and beer purchases.
9. If you drink enough, it is possible to vomit out of your nose.
10. Men are much funnier when you're drunk.
11. You are much funnier when you're drunk.
12. You will not get a good grade in any class that starts before noon.
13. You will have at least one roommate who will steal your clothes and/or your boyfriend. You will miss your clothes.
14. Do not accept drinks from male strangers unless you want to wake up naked and covered in cheerios. (Don't ask!)
15. If you decide to sleep with your professor, do it BEFORE grades are given out.
16. If you are majoring in political science, don't inhale.
17. You can live off top ramon for exactly 187 days. On day 188, however, you will die.
18. This is not high school. If you're stupid, you will fail. Unless you sleep with your professor (see #15)
19. Only 10 percent of your class will graduate in four years.
20. Never walk under a balcony of a fraternity or sorority unless you want puke in your hair.
21. When in doubt about what it is - it's most likely puke, but it could be semen.
This is hilarious. But seriously, that was you with the cheerios?!
Posted by: matt | August 26, 2005 at 02:50 PM
All my efforts were wasted. (Sigh)
Posted by: Gil | August 26, 2005 at 10:44 AM
It makes me glad I'm no longer in college, especially the "puke in the hair" bit.
Posted by: Patrick | August 26, 2005 at 10:43 AM
I find this too true for words and it makes me long for my college days. No, wait, it makes me long for your college days.
Posted by: Cookie ho | August 26, 2005 at 10:09 AM