Cookiebitch

BECAUSE I'M A LOSER, HERE'S KIM INSTEAD

Hi.

Yah, I know.

Work. Life. It's all insane right now. Not in the sense there's been a major catastrophe or anything ... unless you count the fact I've slowed WAY down on the shoe-buying, which yes, is a MAJOR catastrophe of epic proportions. But I have taken another break from blogging to deal with other things. I hope to be back soon. Thank you to everyone who hangs in there with me. I hope I'm worth it.

 

To keep you occupied while I get my shit together, and check out the latest shoe sale, here's Kim ... all around good chick and also a damned fine ranter. She had a story that I couldn't let NOT be told. So here she is to tell it. Just make sure you comment about this post HERE, and not on her blog, please, as we don't like to encourage the dumbass dickwad pansy (as I like to call him) to be an even bigger dumbass dickwad pansy (or DDP for short). Thanks for understanding :)

 

Hugs (if I gave them),

CB

 

XXX

 

Hello!  I'm Kim and I blog over here.  I "met" CB online and we've become pretty good bloggy buddies. We both share a love for expensive shoes, Patron, and a low tolerance for stupid people. 

 

Something happened recently that I really wanted to blog about, but I couldn't, because my XHB reads my blog and I didn't want to have to listen to another 20-minute phone tirade about how I only show one side of the story, blah blah blah.  Hmm, last I looked, this was MY blog. Get your own if you're so upset by it. (You can read about the first tirade on my blog in the story entitled The Right to Write, which references the story from November entitled How I Met The Girlfriend). 

 

So, I jokingly asked CB if she wanted a guest blogger, and she agreed. So here you go. 

 

A little background - DimWittedFuckNut (DWFN*) and I separated last September, and our divorce was granted in April.  It was less than amicable at times. Without boring you with the details, neither of us was blameless in this breakup. Suffice it to say our bad times were outweighing the good, and we were only hurting ourselves by keeping up the pretense of a marriage. He has anger management problems and I didn't help by continuously pushing his buttons. The man I'm currently dating, "Sugar", was a good friend through my divorce and the deaths of my children. Although we maintain that nothing romantic was going on during my marriage, others think differently. Specifically, DWFN. 

 

However, DWFN has recently shown a little less anger and a little more acceptance of the situation and he constantly tells me he's "in a better place." Apparently, that "better place" isn't somewhere that Sugar and I can be as well. 

 

We were all at a graduation party for the son of some very good mutual friends. When I say mutual, I mean we all are friends with this couple. Sugar is friends with and also works with the husband, I met the couple 16 years ago when I was married to my first husband, and DWFN was friends by virtue of our marriage. You could say we've met. 

 

So, DWFN had been making "joking" comments about me and Sugar, some of them were okay, and some of them were a little borderline mean. Sugar had been laughing them off, and to his credit, he didn't retaliate. I did a couple of times, because I'm a bitch like that. And because it was funny. 

 

Finally, the only ones left were the hosts, DWFN, and me and Sugar. It was getting dark, and Sugar was ready to leave. I went to get my daughter from inside. While I was gone, apparently DWFN went to get a beer, and when he came back to the table, he looked at Sugar and said "Oh, did you want one?" When Sugar said no, DWFN said "good, because I've gave you my wife and everything else."  Sugar said "that's it, I'm tired of this." and tried to walk off. 

 

I came back outside with our daughter just in time to see her father charging up the hill screaming invectives and chasing down Sugar. Isn't that a sight for your kid to see?  I sent her back in the house and sat down on the patio by my girlfriend, as her husband charged up the hill after DWFN. I wasn't going to get in the middle of them because they needed to be boys and get this over with.  I don't condone fighting, but sometimes people need a good kick in the ass, and I figured DWFN deserved one. 

 

DWFN caught up to Sugar and smacked him in the side of his head, hard enough to send his sunglasses sailing over his truck. My girlfriend's husband got between them, and punches were flying.  Sugar managed to land one hit in DWFN's eye. ONE hit. DWFN got Sugar down on the ground and was repeatedly punching him in the head. Our host told DWFN to get off or he was going to kick him in the face. DWFN started to walk off, then he decided he'd try to yank the windshield wipers off Sugar's truck. Seriously?  smack to the head then vandalism? You fight like a five year old girl.

 

Then DWFN comes back to the patio and gets in my face yelling at me, because somehow this is my fault. My girlfriend's husband got in his face, told him to leave me alone and to get the hell off his property. So he left, but not without starting his infamous phone calls. My girlfriend was the only one who answered and spoke to him, and it wasn't pretty. I love her. 

 

We made our apologies, loaded up my girl and we went home. We didn't talk about it in the car because I didn't know what to say in front of my daughter. How do you tell a kid their father is an idiot? 

 

The next day, DWFN called to "apologize," which consists of his saying "I'm sorry BUT....  All through our marriage, his apologies were "I wouldn't have done X if you hadn't done Y."  For instance, he wouldn't have knocked our refrigerator on its side had I not told him I wanted a divorce. Or he wouldn't have thrown a beer can through the wall if I had not told him to get out after he upended the refrigerator. You get the idea.

 

His apology, such as it was, basically alleged if Sugar can't take a joke then he's a P$$y.  He was only joking all night and Sugar shouldn't be so sensitive. Oh, and Sugar sucker-punched him. I said, uh, no, you were being a jerk, he tried to walk off, you chased him down and hit him. Oh, and there's a witness. He said "Oh.  Well, I wouldn't have..." and I said "no, I have nothing to say to you," and I hung up. A benefit of being divorced - not being legally obligated to listen to 20 minute phone tirades. Woot!

 

Another stellar character trait he has (aside from his heartfelt apologies) is his ability to turn every situation into one where he is the victim. After the fight, I heard from several people that saw him who told me that his eye was really badly bruised. I'm sure, even after he knew what really happened, he was still telling people the way HE thought it happened, which paints him as the wronged party, and not the other way around. I'm quite sure he was walking around all proud of his busted up face and telling people that he got jumped. He makes me ill. I just think to myself - I married him, and reproduced with him?! Sweet cracker sandwich. 

 

So a week after all this happened, Sugar and I were having lunch. We ran into a couple of  guys that work with DWFN, one of which is also a good friend of mine. He was telling me that DWFN's eye was really F'd up and I said good, he deserved it. 

 

I told him the real story, and he was surprised to hear a couple of minor details - one, that DWFN threw the first "punch" and two, that Maddy was there to witness it all. Hmmm, kind of important pieces of the story, I'd think. But that's just me. My friend did tell me that DWFN was saying he got jumped (Quell Surprise!) and would also tell people "if you think my eye is bad, you should see the other guy." Oh really? Because after a day, the small marks on Sugar's head healed, and he didn't look any worse for the wear. When DWFN heard that news (which was told to him with great relish, so I hear), his reply was "yeah, well, I hit him five or six times."  Really? With your purse? Who is the P$$y now?

 

Ahem. So, the moral of this story is - if you're going to use the "you should see the other guy" line, make sure "the other guy" ACTUALLY looks worse than you. It kinda helps back up your story. Just a thought.

 

Or maybe the moral of this story is don't marry a DWFN. Sometimes that's easier said than done. 

 

Thank you; you've been a great audience. Please tip your hostess. 

 

Thanks, CB, for letting me vent. 

 

*Thanks to my BFF Heather for coming up with that moniker. She's so clever. 

SHOE WHORE SUNDAY

THE MOST COMFORTABLE HEELS I OWN

A friend once asked me if I could only choose one high heel shoe out of my collection to wear every day for the next month, which would it be.

Up until recently, I would have chosen a favorite pair of Carlos Santana's called FIERCE that I've pretty much worn out. Not only are they super comfy, but their super pointy toe makes my legs look longer and looks great with dress pants - which I wear to work each day.

But I just bought a pair of shoes that make even these favorites pale in comparison. And they are so beautiful AND so comfortable, I just have to share with all of you other shoe whores out there.

These peep-toe slingbacks called "Karavi" by Guess I can actually jog in. No shit. I wouldn't lie to you. I have them in this gorgeous Soho Tangerine color, which looks great with browns and even pinks. Although they are more than 4 inches tall, you would never think of it because of their platform, padded footbed, and mesh-lined toe-box, which combined makes them seem like you aren't wearing heels at all.

At $114 they are well worth the money because you can wear these all the time. And they come in an array of yummy colors including Cactus, Luxe Pink, Black and White. Seriously awesome shit. I'm telling you.

I also have an ankle-strap dorsay version of this shoe called "Kersty" in black which is equally as comfortable and even more sexy. This version comes in this sand color, as well as espresso and black - making them versatile for any outfit. I found mine on a clearance rack at Macy's this weekend for 60 percent off and wet my panties from the excitement.

But if you aren't as lucky to find this treasure on sale, there are still plenty left at Zappos for full price. It's worth it, I'm telling you.

ONE MORE CARLOS TO DROOL OVER

New Cookiebitch reader Eileen pointed out another new and beautiful shoe by Carlos Santana that just was released called "Believe 2" that, let's face it, is so sexy that I think it could get laid just sitting on a shelf next to a bag of yams. It's just that hot.

With a 3-1/2 inch heel and criss-cross, peep-toe, Mary-Jane style, these are definitely worthy of a special occasion - or just a romantic evening at home (clothing optional).

And the best part? They are only $69 (Freudian coincidence?). Carlos has been releasing very affordable shoes lately, while other brands have been raising their prices. It just goes to show you the guy is a god in more ways than one. Thanks Carlos. And thank you for the find, Eileen.

DEAL OF THE WEEK

Shoemall is offering an additional 20 percent off of its sale shoes - which means you can get great shoes for even a greater bargain. Check it out!

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

As I mentioned, I spent a long weekend bonding with two women I fondly refer to as "my bitches." We all met our freshman year of college, and although we were only at the same school for 9 months, our friendship has managed to pass the test of time through many bad boyfriends, bad decisions, and bad hair.

The main reason we've probably stayed together is that we all share a low tolerance for people in general, and it just seems like too much fucking work to try to get to know anyone else. So 22 years later, we still get together - if for no other reason than to drink and bitch about the fact we don't like anyone else and can only mildly tolerate each other for 3 days a year.

But over the years I have to admit that these little get togethers have changed dramatically. I'm not sure if it was a gradual thing, or all at once. But our trips just aren't what they used to be. Here are just a few of the differences I noticed this time, compared to when we got together even 10 years ago - when we were still in our 20s.

THEN: We'd buy bottles upon bottles of cheap tequila, cheap vodka, and California wine coolers for the weekend and make it a goal to drink every single drop, no matter how much we puked in between.

NOW: We spend $100 on four bottles of wine or champagne for the whole weekend and end up taking some home. Usually three glasses give us a headache and we have to stop and take a nap before drinking any more.

THEN:We'd spend hours ho-ing ourselves up with too much make-up and low cut hoochie outfits so we could go out to a club at 9 p.m. and pick up men.

NOW: We put on our fat pants so we can be comfortable and call our husbands by 9 p.m. to say goodnight.

THEN: We'd get home from partying at 4 a.m. and sleep until at least noon.

NOW: We're in bed by 10 p.m. and are up by 8 a.m.

THEN: Between the used condoms, empty bottles, and puke, we'd trash the place we stayed at, never to be able to return again.

NOW:We cleaned the house top to bottom before we left, because we didn't want anyone to think we were pigs.

Sadly, I can't say I'm too upset with these changes either. By the end of the weekend, I didn't feel like shit like I usually do after soaking my liver in lighter fluid for three days, and I was pretty well rested. My favorite moments were sitting outside with mimosas first thing in the morning listening to 80s music (Mony Mony still works - even 20 years later) and shooting the shit with Bitch 1 and Bitch 2. Ten years ago, my favorite moment would have been dancing on the table half naked with a guy named "Bubba" and doing body shots. Go figure.

But growing older does have its privileges. On our way home from a Mexican restaurant one night, where I had two whole margaritas before walking it off for an hour, I got pulled over. I panicked. Holy shit! Was I drunk? Was I weaving? Was I going to the Big House to become someone's butt monkey?

Turns out I was being pulled over because I forgot to put new tabs on my car - although they were IN my car (like that really helps.) Instead of the cop making me walk a straight line as he beat me with his baton for being a bad person however, he took one look inside my car and laughed.

"Wild night, eh ladies?" he snickered.

Apparently, us old soccer moms weren't the big bust he was hoping for. He probably thought we were coming back from a raucous Tupperware party or something.

Little did he know we were dangerous in our day. Now, we're just too tired to put in the effort.

SHOE WHORE SUNDAY (ON MONDAY)

THESE NEW CARLOS SHOES MAKE ME WET

Sorry this is a day late. I went for a girls weekend with two of my oldest and dearest friends and didn't get to blog because ... well, because I was tired, drunk, or both. I will have tales from our weekend later, however, which include an episode in which I got pulled over by a cop ... so stay tuned for that.

I couldn't let another week go by, however, without showing you the latest releases from my favorite shoe designer - Carlos Santana. Yes, he not only plays a mean guitar, he makes a mean shoe.

This first one is a beautiful wedge called "AMPLIFY" because it definitely turns up summer style a few notches.

It is available in this beautiful white with blue accents, as well as brown with orange accents, and magenta with green and blue accents. The wedge is a sexy 3 3/4 inches, but because of the 1 inch platform, it doesn't feel like you are wearing sky-high heels.

This shoe just screams fun, from its retro-feel geometric-patterned heel to the guitar charm that hangs from the strap closure. At just $69 they are also very reasonably priced - making it quite possible to buy every color - which I am tempted to do.

If "AMPLIFY" is too groovy for you, I would suggest this more simple and dressy wedge called "RADIATE." With snake embossed leather that seems to wrap around the 3 3/4 heel, it's an exotic version of the classic wedge.

It is available in this stunning natural-gold and also in something called black-amazon (which is really just a more exciting way to say "black.") Be prepared to spend a little more because of the reptilian leather, however - as these go for $110.

If you are looking for something that stops people in their tracks with both envy and desire, check out this sexy number called "CAGE." This strappy dress sandal is both unique and sultry, with a 3 3/4 inch stiletto heel and open-toed, sling-back design. In a word - it's HOT!

Available in black, silver, and this platino color, it is sure to turn heads. At $99, now you just need a sexy little black dress to wear with it - not that you will probably be wearing it that long (hint - hint!)

Finally, Carlos recently released these beautiful ankle-strap pumps called "FLORA" for summer that manage to be cute and flirty, and sexy and sultry all at the same time.

Available in this black-multi, a deep green, and beige, this shoe features reptile embossed leather for that exotic edge and floral embroidery with gem embellishments that make it sparkle. A 3 1/2 inch stiletto heel completes this sophisticated look for $110.

All these new styles are available at shoes.com for 15 percent off if you use promotion code "VISADM07."

Finally, some of you have asked if I get paid to recommend certain shoes. I don't. I don't get a kick back, I don't even get free samples (although if you are a shoe designer reading this - I'm open to the free sample idea, just to let you know). I merely write about the ones I love - from designers that I know pretty well, in hope that you will love them too. And I try to research the best deal on the shoes I can.

The reason I usually give you links to shoes.com is because they have the most coupon codes - hence usually the best deals. But I also love Zappos.com because of their larger variety and their free overnight shipping. Other times, I find the best deals at department stores, designer sites, or of course - my favorite discount shoe site - Gotham City Online.

I am always open for new shoe experiences, however. So if you have suggestions or comments, don't be shy.

Happy shoe whoring!

CRAZIES IN THE NEWS

My readers love to send me reports of crazies in the news, and I love to receive them. Some were so good, I thought I'd share them with you. I may even make a regular event out of this, since there seems to be no end to the loonies making headlines.

I gotta admit that stories like these make me miss journalism just a little bit - because it would be hilarious to interview the dumbasses behind them. Not to mention, I think most reporters create more questions than they answer. And these news items BEG for answers!

The first one I received was from Joe, and had the headline: "Men charged after skull dug up; used as bong." Two men in Houston apparently came across an abandoned cemetery in the woods, dug up a grave, took a skull from a body, and smoked weed out of it. They are now facing misdemeanor charges of corpse abuse.

Wow. Does anyone other than me think that is just really, really ... COOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!!!?

I mean, I've seen some pretty cool bongs in my day, but a HUMAN SKULL!? AWESOME! I only wish I knew how they did it. Do they put their fingers in the nose holes and use that as a carburetor? Where does the pot go? Do you have to fill it with water?

How did they figure out HOW to use a skull as a bong? And did they go into the woods SPECIFICALLY because they wanted to find a skull to smoke dope out of? Did they not have an old Pepsi can lying around?

And whose skull did they decide to use? Was there one in particular that they felt was better than the others, or did they just choose someone randomly? Maybe it was a friend of theirs, and they missed him and wanted to have a reunion - the only way they knew how. If that's the case, it's all rather touching, don't you think?

I also never knew that corpse abuse was a crime. I guess I can understand it - but I wonder how prosecutors decide something is corpse abuse or not corpse abuse. I mean - the corpse can't tell you if they find it abusive or not, which is what I think should be the deciding factor. Maybe this corpse, for example, appreciated the poetic nature of having his skull used as a bong. I know if it was my skull, I wouldn't mind. However, if someone dug up my body and put Crocs on my skeleton feet, I would find that very abusive. So how does the prosecutor know when to charge someone or not?

I don't smoke pot ... mostly because it just makes me go to sleep, and why waste a good buzz like that? But if I did, I'd be finding the nearest grave to desecrate, let me tell you. Because I want to be as cool as these guys. Also, from now on, when I check the box on my drivers license form that says "organ donor" it will have a whole new meaning. Because I have no problem leaving my skull for someone else to use as a bong. What do I care, anyway? I'm dead. But at least this way, I'm still useful - not to mention, the life of the party!

The second news item I received this week was from Star. The headline reads: "Family found living with decaying body on toilet." Even if you didn't read the headline first, and just saw the pictures at the top of the story of these complete and utter loons, you would know that something crazy and horrific happened. Because these people look like mental health flew right past them on a learjet and never looked back.

Apparently this family, part of a religious cult, had left a 90-year old dead woman on their only toilet for two months, saying that God had told them if they prayed hard enough, she would come back to life.

Now this ... to me ... is without a doubt a good case of corpse abuse. Use my skull as a bong. But for gods sake, don't leave me on the shitter to rot, no matter WHO tells you otherwise. Because if for some reason I do come back to life, I'm going to kick your sorry, crazy ass. You can count on it.

The saddest part of this story, however, is that there were two children (ages 15 and 12) living in the house with the corpse, their crazy fucked-up mother, and someone their mother referred to as "The Bishop" or her "Superior." The place reeked of decaying flesh, despite burning incense and probably a few dozen Glade plug-ins, and the kids were hysterical when deputies ordered them out of the house. They were later put in foster care.

I also feel sorry for the landlords who have to re-rent this house. I can only hope they replace the toilet ... because there are some stains no amount of Scrubbing Bubbles can get out. Seriously. Also, if this was their only toilet, where in god's name were the LIVE people shitting?

Finally, although I'm not a religious person, I feel sorry for non-crazy religious people who have lunatics like this giving religion a bad name. At least these dumb fucks are facing criminal charges. We'll see how God answers their prayers about getting out of jail anytime soon, bishop or no bishop.

This story reminded me of another news story that happened a few months back - one that also involved a toilet and a couple of morons. The headline on that one reads: "Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years."

Apparently a 35-year-old woman in Kansas had been sitting on her boyfriend's toilet for 2 years when he finally called the sheriff's office to say he thought "something was wrong" with her.

No shit. You think?

I've taken some long dumps in my life ... especially after drinking too much tequila the night before. But 2 years? I would hope someone would call someone - hopefully a doctor - past the 8 hour mark. Please!

But apparently the boyfriend didn't think it was that serious, despite the fact that the woman had been sitting there for so long that her ass skin had grown around the seat. EWWWW. Didn't that HURT? She initially refused emergency medical services, and it was later revealed that she had a phobia about coming out of the bathroom.

Now I don't like to jump to conclusions. But I think it would be safe to say that boyfriend had one crazy bitch on his hands. Although boyfriend himself does not seem to be bursting with sanity himself. Although I'm sure it was a little hard for him to break up with her when she refused to get off the toilet, he still brought her food and water for her two year squat. Wouldn't at a certain point you just tell her to get up and make her own fucking sandwich? Or is it just me? Talk about a classic case of enabling!

My favorite part of this story, however, is this sheriff's quote:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It's hard to imagine ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

I hear you, Sheriff. That's not a thought you can easily drink away - even with liberal amounts of Johnny Walker. It just goes to show you ... just when you think you've seen it all, another loon comes along and makes you realize there are just no limits to crazy.

XXX

Have you seen a news item involving a stupid person or nut case? E-mail me a link to the story, and maybe I'll make fun of them too!

QUANTITY VS. QUALITY

I didn't want to do this. After being harassed for my lack of knowledge about the Duggar family in this post, I swore I would never blog on the subject again.

But the Duggars are just ASKING for it. They are like members of a school field trip all armed with sticks, poking at a sleeping bear, which in this case, is me. I want to just lay in the back of the cage in a fetal position and forget that they exist. But they are so fucking obnoxious I just can't ignore them any longer. I need to get up and growl at them, and possibly gouge out an eye or two - just for good measure.

Besides, a lot of my faithful readers are also poking at me, egging me on to rip this family a new asshole. I know this because many of you e-mailed me this link to a story about the Duggars that the Today Show did for Mother's Day. I don't think those of you who sent it to me did so because you wanted my heart to fill with joy at the news that this family was now expecting its 18th child. I would hope you would know me better than that, anyway.

I think you did it because you knew I would recoil in horror before the rage hit. And then when the rage hit ... well, you like it when I'm angry don't you, you bastards!?

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that the Duggars appear on television seemingly almost EVERY Mother's Day on one show or another. A quick Google search has them on Inside Edition, Discovery Health, and MSNBC just to name a few. All their appearances seen to have the same theme - that Mrs. Duggar and her triple-wide vagina are the standard for mother's everywhere. What a bunch of crap!

Quantity does not equate to quality, people! If  you put a case of Night Train in front of me, or one bottle of really good merlot, I'll pick the merlot every time (although I may keep the Night Train in case of emergency.) Similarly, I know a LOT of extremely fertile women who can't take care of themselves, let alone a baby. The ability to give birth -even 18 times - does not mean you automatically have the skills or capacity necessary to be a good mom. I wish the opposite were true, as there would be a lot more well adjusted kids in the world. But to say that because this woman is a human baby machine, she should get special play on Mother's Day, is ludicrous. I think Mrs. Duggar would make a much better and more poignant story during "Contraceptive Awareness Week," for example or as part of series titled "How to say 'no' to your husband and mean it."

A mother that has one child is no less a mother than one with 12. In fact, I'm guessing the one with just one child still has some sort of sanity to cling to.

This is not to say that Mrs. Duggar is a shitty mom either. I wouldn't know, as I don't know the woman, and doubt I would want to get to know her either. She and I have little in common outside of both having a vagina - although mine you can't drive a tractor trailer through (although you may be able to squeeze a Mini Cooper in there, if you use some good lube.)

But I would have to venture to say that with 18 kids in the house she hardly has time to spend QUALITY time with all of them in a day. Let's just break it down, shall we? There are 24 hours in a day. Let's say, because the woman is almost constantly pregnant, that she has to have her 8 hours a day to sleep and recoup (although if you ask me, I would never get out of bed, and just lay there and sob uncontrollably, cursing my husband's penis.) That leaves 16 hours to do what she needs to do. If she's not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, or getting drunk in the bathroom (which is also what I would do) - that still leaves less than an hour per kid per day - or 53.33 minutes to be exact.

Now she could use an egg timer, and just go from kid to kid, packing the motherly love into those 53.33 minutes before moving on to the next one when the buzzer goes off. If the kid needs more time, they'll just have to wait until the next day. Because hey, you can't play favorites. But I would think the woman would also need to pee every now and then, or have a snack. God knows her husband probably wants to start working on the next kid too - so there's got to be some boink boink time factored in there as well. That means that instead of 53.33 minutes you probably have only about 30 to 40 minutes per kid.

Obviously dividing up the day between kids is not a good answer. Also, babies take more time than older children, for example. So what the Duggar's do, according to their Web site, is assign older children to be "buddies" to the younger children, therefore making them responsible for their care.

This, in my opinion, blows chunks. Your mom and dad won't use a fucking condom, thereby forcing you to take care of their offspring for them because they multiply faster than rabbits and can't take care of them all themselves? How is that fair? Shouldn't kids get an opportunity to be kids? I understand teaching responsibility - but this is a little extreme. The Duggar's also argue that it makes the kids closer. Maybe. But I can also see how it would make the kids resent each other. Maybe little Joan doesn't want to be a mom or child care provider. Maybe she wants to be an astronaut or a shoe store owner. Why can't she be allowed to pursue those interests instead of spending her time wiping the shit off of her younger sibling "buddy."

Which makes me wonder ... do the other kids get resentful when they hear that another baby is on their way, cutting down the time they get with mom and increasing the time they will have to spend changing diapers and warming up formula? I know I would be resentful. I also know that if I was Mrs. Duggar, I'd have to put nametags on the children to keep them all straight - especially since they keep giving their children names that start with the letter "J."

I know people who would argue that the Duggar's are at least providing for their children and aren't on welfare. Yah. Wow. Good for them. But are they REALLY taking care of all those kids? Can they? I'm sure they love them. I'm sure they try to do what's best. But again, it's a numbers game. You just can't give 18 kids the attention you can give 4 kids.

There's the obvious question that comes to mind with this family, too. And that is ... WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT 18 KIDS? Then I read the About Us section of their web site, which talks about how the Duggars used to use the pill, but got pregnant and miscarried.

Their site goes on to say: "At that point they talked with a Christian medical doctor and read the fine print in the contraceptives package. They found that while taking the pill you can get pregnant and then miscarry. They were grieved! They were Christians! They were pro-life! They realized that their selfish actions had taken the life of their child. They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing."

OMG ... this is as crazy as the lunatic extreme Christians whose children can be dying of a disease but refuse to get them medical treatment because they are waiting for God to heal them. They never once stop to think that maybe God put hospitals, doctors, and yes - even birth control - in the world so you use the brains he gave you to help yourself.

I could go on and on ... (like mentioning that being pro-life has nothing to do with taking birth control, and questioning why the Duggar's oldest son was "shocked" to hear his mother was pregnant again) but I won't. I think I've said enough ... and quite frankly, I got myself so worked up over this I need to take a nap. Please put the stick down and leave me be. I'm sure I'll wake up in time to hear that the Duggar's are about to drop No. 19 - which will probably be about 9 months from now.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

My fellow-blogger and friend Marie is one brave woman. She's expecting her third child and is doing so with grace and dignity. She also recently found out the sex of the bun currently in her oven - so she can stop calling it an unbaked dinner roll and start calling it "dude" or "dudette" instead. To find out which it is, click HERE.

Grace and dignity are not the traits I would possess if *I* were expecting a child, let alone my third. Although I respect motherhood, it scares the living shit out of me. I kill plants just by looking at them. My idea of a home-cooked meal is using the microwave to heat up leftover Chinese. I feel queezy and come close to passing out whenever I think of my nipples as a feeding device. So if I were to find out I was pregnant, instead of grace and dignity there would be hysteria and panic.

So you can understand that even a pregnancy SCARE is enough to have me curled up in the fetal position just like the baby I might be carrying.

Thanks to a co-worker "friend" who absolutely loves to tease me about having babies - because I am steadfast about my reproductive organs remaining unused and my uterus remaining barren - I had one such panic attack a few years back. It wasn't that I was late, really, if you call 24 hours being late. But ask any woman, and she will tell you these 24 hours add up to a big pile of paranoia.

My "friend" added to this paranoia, teasing me every time I saw her about "how much I glowed." To take a hormonal woman and play on her innermost fears of having a baby is much like throwing gasoline on a fire. The flames of paranoia leap to epic proportions. I sat at my desk thinking about what the heck I would do with a baby, how I could possibly take care of one, and went down the list of possible people to whom I could give it to, including my "friend."

Finally, realizing I would get nothing done until I knew for sure, I resolved to go buy an early pregnancy test at lunch. That way, I would know if I should spend my afternoon rejoicing about my barrenness or sobbing uncontrollably.

But I wasn't about to buy the test at my neighborhood grocery store. I knew all the clerks there, after all. In my fragile state, I would not be able to endure that knowing look as they scanned the test and gave me a smile - or worse yet, a wink. That would surely send me over the edge.

So this formerly secure woman instead drove 10 miles to a neighboring town and to a grocery store she had never stepped foot in before. Hopefully, there would be no one I knew here. But I donned sunglasses and scrunched down in my jacket just to make sure. I slunk from aisle to aisle, throwing items I didn't need aimlessly into my shopping cart so as to camouflage the test and make it less conspicuous. When I went into the aisle that held the item I was looking for, I actually started to whistle nonchalantly as I scanned for witnesses. Then, quickly and stealthily, I knocked a box into my cart and covered it with a six pack of Ensure and a frozen package of Flan.

As I approached the check-out line, I tried to calm myself. I'm a married, responsible woman. If I buy a pregnancy test, it's no big deal, right? There's nothing to be ashamed of! Then why did I expect my mother, who lives two states away, to suddenly leap out from behind the potato chip display and call me a slut?

I could feel myself breaking out in hives as the clerk started scanning my items. I prayed there wouldn't be a price check on the test, and she wouldn't notice it among the $218 worth of groceries I was purchasing but didn't need.

I made it out unscathed and seemingly unnoticed and drove the 10 miles back home. I was shaking and unable to pee because of performance anxiety. But after several deep breaths, I was able to take the test. One line was my goal. Two lines meant my life as a selfish childless woman was coming to an end. I'd have to curb my shoe habit to pay for diapers and things called "binkies." God help me!

I'm sure my neighbors wondered why in the middle of the day I would be dancing around my yard and whooping like I had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. But at that moment, one line was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and I had to celebrate.

I know many women out there like Marie will make great mom's and their kids are lucky to have them. Me? I am not ashamed to say that I am happy to be an aunt, a step-mom, and a shoe whore, but that I know myself well enough not to be a mom. And that's worth celebrating, too.

SHOE WHORE SUNDAY

FLOWER POWER

Mom's day is next weekend. Instead of giving her the traditional bouquet of flowers - which die in a week - how about giving her some flowers for her feet - which will last the whole season?

Floral prints are the best way to make mom feel both feminine and flirty, and are really fun for spring and summer.

These Guess beauties definitely live up to their name "EMPOWER2."

With their beautiful but subtle lavender flower print (complete with bees), 4 1/2 inch gold stiletto heel, sexy ankle strap, and cute yet subtle bow detail, mom will feel like she owns any room she walks into.

Their neutral background make it easy to pair these with anything, from a breezy dress to favorite jeans. And she'll feel fabulous in both! And all for about $110. Use shoes.com coupon code "MAY100" for $20 off making them a more affordable $90.

For a more 60's feel, there are also these gorgeous Naughty Monkey's, appropriately called "FLOWER POWER."

The flowers are more whimsical, inspired by a tropical theme. Yet the 3 3/4 inch high heel and brushed metal rose still gives it an edge of sophistication.

Available in both this beige, and in khaki, they too can be worn with both jeans or a fun cotton dress. And at $65 they are also affordable.

Naughty Monkey has other floral styles - all with a tropical feel - you may want to check out too, and all at a pretty good price.

Finally, so as to not leave out those mom's on the go, here are some cute flowered flats called Actress Anaconda by Chinese Laundry.

These vintage-inspired  ballet flats are made of a unique snakeskin textured faux leather that gives them added interest. But a cushioning insole, flexible midsole, and flat-traction rubber outsole make them so mom's can run around and feel as fabulous as they look.

At at just under $40, you can afford to take her out for dinner too!

To all you mom's out there - Happy Mother's Day! And remember to spoil yourself! Because you deserve it :)

WHAT I LEARNED AT MANAGEMENT TRAINING

I had to take management training again today - an EXCRUCIATING experience equal only to having Edward Scissorhands give you a pap smear.

Today's topics were "How to handle performance issues" and "Giving constructive feedback." I don't think the teacher liked me from the get-go, because when she asked the class how you tell an employee they are not meeting your expectations, I told her that I tell them they suck, and that I'll fire their lazy ass if they don't improve.

Apparently that wasn't the politically correct answer. Go figure.

First, the instructor told us you need to ask them if there is a personal issue that is causing them to not be able to do their work. In other words, you have to pretend to care about them. I suck at this. I can barely stay awake when people I actually LOVE tell me about their problems. How did they expect me not to nod off when listening to people who I don't sleep with?

I'm so easily bored when things don't apply directly to me that I need someone to hold up the latest Neiman Marcus catalog to keep me focused or my attention will go elsewhere. I've been known to just wander off in the middle of a conversation because, to put it simply, I'm done. I don't need to know any more. Everything that is said at this point is just "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." In fact, I recommend if you want me to stick around that you throw some key words in there from time to time to capture my interest. Words like "TEQUILA" or "SEX" or "MIDGETS."

For example, frequent reader and overall awesome woman Kim once e-mailed me. Not wanting me to just skip right over her message and knowing of my low threshold for pretty much everything, she titled the e-mail "FREE SHOES." I read it right away. And even though I got a little violent when I found out it was all a ploy, I did pay attention to what she had to say. That was a smart move on Kim's part. Others could learn from her.

But now I was being told that to be an effective manager and to help people do their jobs better, I had to pretend to care about my employees and their personal lives. Shouldn't my employees be pretending to care about ME? Isn't that the normal organizational chart for sucking up? Why did I have to suck up to them? I've spent half my life working my ass off so I could finally be the boss and STOP sucking up. And now they're changing the rules? FUCK THAT!

The teacher went on to say that after we determined whether there was a personal reason keeping them from doing their job, we needed to come up with a plan for them to improve their performance, and get their buy-in for the plan. Are you kidding me? The fuck-ups have a say? When did that start? I didn't have a say when my boss told me I had to stop beating people in the back of the head when they didn't work fast enough. No one asked me about *MY* feelings when I was told to stop stapling people's privates to their desk if they were late for work.

We then had to break off into groups to come up with three "methods" of motivating employees to do better. As we did so, the instructor looked directly at me and told me that we couldn't include any verbal threats, like "I will fire your ass" on our list. Fucking kill-joy.

It didn't take long for my group to complete the task, and I was touched when I was nominated to report back on our findings, although the instructor didn't seem nearly as thrilled about it as I was. These were the top 3 methods of motivating employees we came up with (well, I was the one who really thought of them, but my group agreed):

1. MACE

2. TASER

3. PUBLIC FLOGGING

I also wanted to suggest that for really bad employees, we strip them naked and make them dance like a chicken. But some of our employees I wouldn't want to see naked under any circumstance, so I kept that one to myself.

Finally, the class ended with an update on discrimination laws. The instructor made a point of letting us know that we could not treat pregnant women any differently because of their condition, or it was considered discrimination. This is also true even if the pregnant woman can't do her duties because she is sick, or uses the excuse that she's pregnant and therefore can't do anything.

"How about calling her 'PREGGO' or 'BUDDAH' and encouraging other employees to pat her belly," I asked her. "Is that wrong?"

"Yes, that's wrong, Cookie," the instructor told me, visibly upset that I was still in the class.

I put my hand up again.

"But what if the Preggo - um - I mean pregnant person - is at work and her water breaks on your new Manolos and you bitch slap her? I mean ... bitch deserved it, right?"

I don't know why, but apparently I have to go to "sensitivity" training now. I'm also not allowed to be alone with any of my employees anymore, for fear I may hurt them. But hey ... there are no performance issues in my department. Yet I see other managers continue to "listen" and "help" and "motivate" employees who just milk the system for all its worth and don't do shit. So whose methods work best, I ask you?

CHILL THE FUCK OUT

Okay peeps ... I never thought my last post was going to open up such a debate! Between the e-mails and the comments, I'm at a fucking loss as to how people can get their panties in such a knot over a joke. I've written WAY more offensive stuff, and I get shit over THIS? Seriously ... chill the fuck out.

And if this stuff offends you ... don't come back. Really ... that's the beauty of America. You have the right to read whatever you want, say whatever you want, and use your vagina any way you want. Just don't expect me to not exercise my right to make fun of it.

And just to clarify, YET AGAIN ...

No, I did not do research on this picture. Nor am I going to do research on every fucking joke and picture I post here. This is a humor blog ... not a political blog ... not a historic account. I was not saying THIS MAN IN THIS PICTURE is a polygamist. I didn't know who the fuck this family was when I wrote this ... still don't know. I saw the funny in an e-mail and thought I'd share ... and at the same time make fun of BOTH polygamists and people who have a lot of kids. Just in case you are wondering ... that's what I do ... make fun of people.

Okay, I'm done. You can post whatever pissy rant you want in response to my pissy rant, e-mail me what you want to e-mail me. I won't be responding. I won't delete your comments either. But I'm not going to argue over this stupid shit anymore. I have other people to make fun of, afterall, not to mention shoes to buy.

And to those of you who thought the picture was funny and aren't currently plotting to kill me, thanks for reading.

CB