Cookiebitch: The good, the bad, and the ugly

First of all, I'd like to thank anyone and everyone who is reading this. I'm sure you thought I was dead. At least that's why I think I received that enormous cross-shaped floral arrangement with the card that said "Karma finally bit her in the ass." I appreciate it. Although I'm sorry to say it spontaneously combusted when I touched it. I'm pretty sure the florist fucked up on that one.

A lot has been going on in my life - both good and bad - which I will go into more detail about later. But here's a breakdown:

Bad: My husband got laid off in October, forcing me to give up buying shoes and midget strippers in preparation for being poor white trash. I even bought a tube top to look the part.

Good: Three days after he got laid off, a new company recruited my husband to work for them, which allowed him to take some of his severence money and take me to Mexico to celebrate. I still wore the tube top though to get free shots of tequila.

Bad: His new job is about an hour and a half away from our house in good traffic, and there is no such thing as "good traffic" in the Bay Area. This means he has to stay in a cheap hotel three to four nights a week until we figure out "what the fuck we are doing." This also means that because he's the cook in the family, and I barely know what an oven is, I've been forced to eat soup from a can and microwave popcorn while he is gone.

Good: I have lost more than 60 pounds. This is not just because I am now forced to fend for myself in the kitchen - although that is a contributing factor. But I realized that at 42 I better not fuck around anymore or you really would be sending me cross-shaped flower arrangements. I also wanted to feel better. So I started going to the gym again and counting calories. I am not going to sugar coat it - it is really fucking hard work to be thin. Between running 3 to 5 miles a day and eating vegetables for lunch, I pretty much want to rip anyone's head off for eating a cheeseburger.

Bad: My company went through layoffs - which fortunately I avoided - but my entire staff didn't. Then they announced that in the next year they will be moving their headquarters to Dallas. I don't know if you aware of this, but I'm not allowed in the state of Texas. I think it's because last time I was there I took one of my favorite stiletto heels and shoved it through a cowboy's ball sack for telling me I'd look good in his stable where he could "break me" like his other horses. I never got the heel out either, which saddens me because it was one of my best pair of Carlos Santanas.

Good: Although for awhile I felt I had absolutely nothing to say as Cookiebitch anymore, all this has sparked a whole new volume of rants inside of me. And I feel the need to share them.

A few things will be different this time around, though. First, instead of writing lengthy posts like I used to, I'm going to be doing a lot more short posts via Twitter and Facebook. These will just be little observations I make throughout the day ... such as why people who wear red thong underwear with white pants should be imprisoned. These are life tips really - little nuggets of wisdom I like to share with the world. I will also be posting things I see on other people's Facebook and Twitter pages that I think are funny. And of course, being a shoe whore, I will post links to shoes that I think you should buy me.

I will still post longer rants on this blog - but unlike Twitter and Facebook, which I will attempt to do several times a day, the longer rants will be further apart. They take longer to write - and right now I need as much time as I can to figure out what to do with my life. I'll also be working on updating the blog site in the next month or so in my rare moments of lucidity.

So I appreciate you reading again. I hope we'll have some fun together.

Don't forget to check me out on FACEBOOK:

And on TWITTER.