DOWN WITH ASSHOLES

My friend went to the doctor yesterday. When she went in, there was no one parked in the spot on her driver's side. But when she came out, she was greeted by this:

 

Are you fucking KIDDING me???!!!! Not only did this moron park in a spot that was clearly labeled compact, but the fucker felt it neccesary to park diagonally, completely blocking any hope that my friend had of getting back into her car the same way she came out. 

Why did this person do this? Because they are a complete and total ASSHOLE. There is no denying this fact - no arguing this point. You can also probably add that they are a bad driver - and never have sex because they drive a Ford Aerostar van. But even these observations would take a backseat to the overwhelming message this person is sending, which is: "I AM A STUPID, SELFISH, DUMB-FUCK ASSHOLE." In fact, they should just get that tattooed on their forehead as a warning to others, so we can all either stay clear, or beat the living shit out of them for sport.

Now I guess my friend could take a little comfort in the fact that the Asshole didn't actually hit her car. And I suppose it takes some skill to get this close to another vehicle - close enough to barely slide a piece of paper in between the two cars - without hitting it.

Still, I doubt my friend was impressed when she had to contort her body through the passengers side door and over the gear shift to get behind the wheel. Considering she was at the doctor for a shoulder injury, this wasn't exactly helping her recovery either. Thanks again, ASSHOLE.

Not to mention that once she did manage to get into the drivers seat - after almost having sexual relations with the parking break - she was then faced with the dilemma of trying to back up without hitting the Asshole's van. Which really ... who the fuck cares about his van? I would have been happy to run it over with a semi-truck, if I had one handy. But the last thing you want to do is damage your own car because this shit-stick can't park.

And the REAL scary part is that this Asshole isn't alone. There is an ARMY of this kind of asshole out there. I know because two of them hemmed in my car so badly at a parking garage once I was forced to wedge my ample butt, and even more ample tits through my sun roof in order to get into my car - narrowly avoiding a call to the fire department asking them to bring the Jaws of Life.

Someone needs to create an Asshole Hotline so when incidents like these happen, we can call and get some big, hairy, burly guys - possibly named Bubba and Igor - to come over and help us teach these fuckers a lesson by turning their vehicles on their roofs and welding their doors shut. This way, when the Asshole comes out to get into their car, they will understand how we felt when we saw what they did to us. And then THEY'LL be the ones screaming "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!" And then we can point and laugh, and maybe throw rocks at them. Because that would be fun.

In the meantime though, we are forced to take matters in our own hands without the aid of the Asshole Hotline and Bubba and Igor.

I have a few ideas for this. First, if the Asshole didn't lock their vehicle, I would suggest getting in on their driver's side - which as you can see in this case has plenty of room - and pissing on their front seat. Hopefully you would have recently consumed a Big Gulp or a venti latte so you have lots of piss to share. When the Asshole gets into their vehicle, they will be greated by a wet, clammy sensation that can only be urine soaking through their pants, followed by the unmistakable stench of someone relieving themselves - a stench that won't easily be forgotten, or covered up. Beautiful.

If they did lock the vehicle (or even if they didn't), I would suggest letting the air out of the tires. Don't slash them - as if someone sees you there could be a vandalism charge brought against you, and that would just let the Asshole win. Instead, just use a tire pressure gauge and make the tires go flat as a pancake. Asshole will spend hours trying to figure out how the fuck THAT happened. 

Finally, write down the Asshole's license plate number and call the cops to report you saw someone shoving what looked like a dead body wrapped in a carpet in the trunk of this vehicle. When Asshole comes back, imagine their shock when a bunch of cops there are waiting, hopefully with Tasers. With any luck, Asshole may even get a cavity search. Bonus!

Come on people. It's us against the assholes. Let's take a stand.

Comments

[Tanya]

Oh, hell no. If possible, I would have waited for this person to come back to their car so I could bitch at them. Or I would have called a tow truck. I would have also left a nasty note on the car.

[Ang]

Who does that? I would've waited too because seriously, they deserve a smackdown. You weren't kidding when you said a piece of paper could fit in there.

[Daisy]

Would have liked to have waited to give this dickhead a piece of my mind, unfortunately there was no time, had to get to work to deal with more idiots and this place was a huge office complex, no way of knowing when this ASSHOLE would return or where he went in the hopes of hunting him down. A sweet elderly couple walking out of an office had to help me maneuver out of the spot. Granny at the front bumper, Gramps in the back...took the three of us at least ten minutes to finally break free. The nerve of this ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't get over it, I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm shocked anyone could be this stupid.

[Veronica]

Arghh! Drives me mad. Seriously people, can't you see the TWO car seats in my back seat? I kinda need to be able to chuck the kids in the car without unnecessary contortion on my part.

Arseholes.

[juneyor]

Ok here's what me and my buddies do when some idiot does this to us. First we use a valve core remover on the tires. Which if you didn't know completely takes the inner working of the air valve out of the tire, effectively rendering the tire completely useless. Now you cannot refill it ever again and you have to go out and buy a whole new tire.This really sucks when you have to buy 4 new tires all at once. second we call the cops and report a drunk driver trying to run people off the road. Now the cops might not run into them right away but when they do, the idiots are completely hassled and are forced to do the stupid human tricks for the coppers.

[Twisting Ivy]

Can Bubba and Igor be rented out for services against idiots ass-hat ex's? Muah ha ha.

And OMG this idiot must have been blind AND stupid.

[Stacey]

I'm impressed that the asshole didn't actually hit your friend.

And that she didn't kick a huge dent in the back of the van.

[HeyJoe]

Once again this allows me to make the argument for P5K.

I have taken to leaving the occasional note on windshields "You call this boat a compact?" or "Thanks for taking up two spaces, douche bag." I'm telling you the world has become so full of assholes that I think we really need to consider trimming the herd a little.

[Stacie]

I had a friend that had business card-sized notes made that said "Next time could you at least leave a can opener so I can get in my fucking car?"
He went through a lot of cards.

[Ree]

Oh, yea. Happens to us at sporting events all of the time. Once, I even got a nice white scrape on the side of my black car.

Assholes.

[Stacey]

Apparently there are stickers for this - http://iparklikeanidiot.com/.

[Kristi]

Since my recent (and quite sudden) move back to the Midwest, yes, I've encountered this a lot.

Even better? Last week, while riding in a funeral procession...with the purple flags proclaiming 'Funeral' displayed and waving on the front of the hoods...I watched as a red necked, douchbag, ass hat, (in a 20 year old pick-up, no less) crashed the funeral procession!

Seriously. 6 blocks worth.

Fucking idiot.

[Emma]

Unfortunately, I park in the same parking lot with a douche bag who does this every day. In his nice, beautiful, brand new dark blue truck. So I may or may not crawl through the passenger side door of my not as nice, not so new white Hyundai and open and shut my door as hard as I can into the side of his truck as many times as I can until someone else comes into the parking lot. You'd think he'd learn, but apparently doesn't look at his passenger side door much.