I found out today I missed the opportunity to realize my life-long dream of becoming a Bacon Tycoon.
People close to me have often heard me say that if I could do one thing to make a difference in the world - to make the earth a happier place - it would be to make everything taste like bacon.
Think of it. Everyone WANTS to eat bacon. But we all also know that if you succumb too often to that crispy brown goodness swaddled in a glistening coat of swine fat, you will most likely keel over from a massive stroke by the age of 35. So you try to eat celery instead, all the time FANTASIZING about bacon. Mmmmm ...
And then there are the vegetarians and vegans. Granted, they are freaks. Still, I feel sorry for them, for they have never experienced the pure joy of dipping a slice of perfectly fried pig's flesh into the yolk of an over-easy egg. Or watching a piece of prosciutto slowly curl itself around a sea scallop as they are barbecued in a lover's embrace. To give this up is like giving up sex, or laughter, or music. For a life without bacon, is a life without joy. But if you could bring that joy to the leaf-eating masses somehow, without asking them to give up their freakish values - well that would be the ultimate gift, wouldn't it? And to put bacon in a form that would not make your arteries harden or cause you to look like Jabba the Hutt - well that would be an accomplishment as great as putting a man on the moon!
But I am not a scientist. I am a dreamer. So while I have imagined this perfect bacon Nirvana, I have never known how to make it a reality.
Then the other day, my niece texted me this:
"I just listened to a presentation from the founders of Bacon Salt - their motto is 'Everything should taste like bacon.' Isn't that your dream?"
Damnit! These people stole my idea! Still, I was intrigued ... how did these geniuses harness the complex flavors of the bacon strip and compress it into itsy bitsy grains of salt? If this was possible, what was next? Teleportation? World peace? Comfortable panty-hose?
I started to research this magic pork powder and the men who developed it, and what I found out was AMAZING.
The founders of Bacon Salt - Justin and Dave (yes, just mere mortals - who woulda thought?) started the business with $5,000 Dave won on America's Funniest Home Videos for a movie of his son hitting a T-ball at his face. Brilliant! A man who isn't afraid to exploit his children for money already has my respect!
Justin and Dave's love of bacon led them to tirelessly research how to bring a better way to eat bacon to the masses. The result is Bacon Salt - a zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher seasoning that makes everything taste like bacon.
This fairy pig dust seems just too good to be true. But the reviews on their web site offer overwhelming evidence of this bacon miracle. Here are just some of the testimonials:
"Thank you for organizing the party in my mouth."
"My savior has arrived and its name is Bacon Salt."
“I can't think of an individual thing you should try it on, because it belongs on almost everything. Heck, you could season one of your knit socks and suck out it out through the fibers.”
“When you put Bacon Salt on mashed potatoes, they try to eat themselves.”
“Epoch shattering invention.”
According to the Bacon Salt site, Bacon Salt has also been talked about on ABC News, Fox News, and Good Morning America - just to name a few. Groups have formed in this product's honor like "The Bacon Salt Society," "The Church of the Holy Bacon Salt," Bacontologists, and a Facebook group called "Bacon Salt: Because it was inevitable." People are even dressing up as 7 foot tall pieces of bacon to celebrate this earth shattering seasoning.
Bacon Salt also comes in a variety of flavors including original, hickory, peppered and natural. But they also have limited edition flavors like applewood, maple, cheddar, jalapeno and mesquite. It's like a crack house of bacon, I'm telling you!
The company also recently released another product called Baconnaisse. That's right, people. Bacon is now SPREADABLE. And if that even isn't enough, they also have come up with bacon-flavored lip balm to constantly remind you of the awesome power of bacon. Still, I'm concerned about the dangers this last product may pose to pet owners. Making yourself taste like bacon is a recipe for disaster that will either get you french kissed by your Poodle, or leave you without lips after your Doberman has them for lunch. And let's face it, if you are constantly licking your lips to access more bacony flavor, people will start to think you're weird, especially if you tell them, "I taste delicious."
But Justin and Dave aren't just bacon masters, they are bacon humanitarians, launching "Operation Bacon" - a program that delivers Bacon Salt to our troops who are serving in bacon-less countries. Because yah, it sucks to be in the middle of the fucking desert with people bombing your ass. But to do it without BACON???? That's just inhumane.
But why just stop with the troops? Why not drop cases of it into areas known to be frequented by terrorist groups? My theory is that the reason there are suicide bombers in the world is because these people don't have bacon and therefore have nothing to live for. Give them bacon, and world peace could be just around the corner. With Bacon Salt, they don't even have to break any religious rules about eating pork, because there is no pork in it. I'm telling you, this could CHANGE THE WORLD!
Believe it or not, though, there are limits to my love of bacon, and I think Justin and Dave have not just reached those limits, but crossed over them with reckless abandon when they announced on their Bacon Salt blog their latest idea for making EVERYTHING taste like bacon - baconlube. The motto of this product? "Keep it Sizzlin'." And folks, they are looking for volunteers to "beta test" this bacon-flavored love jelly.
Now I think we can agree that everyone loves bacon - but to "LOVE" bacon as you're loving your significant other? Well that's just a threesome I can't quite get into. I mean, wouldn't it be a little like going down on BABE or Porky Pig? "Thhhhhhhat's all folks!"
Plus, I want to know that I am being loved for me, not for my bacon-flavored vagina - although let's face it, that is a man's ultimate fantasy. Which brings me to my next point - In a love triangle that includes a man, a woman, and bacon, is the woman really going to come out on top?
Still, Justin and Dave seem to have appealed to a segment of the bacon-loving market. Just look at some of the comments left on their blog:
"...because my girlfriend has always said "baby, i wish you tasted more like bacon" when she was down there......"
"Perfect for Passover!"
"Is this still kosher? It probably depends where you put it. ;-)"
I guess I can't blame Justin and Dave for pushing the envelope. As long as it is bacon-flavored, of course. And while I won't be signing up to help test this new Baconlube in the traditional way, I may buy a jar once it is available in stores. I bet it's great on toast.
Check out the Bacon Salt movie above - and wait through the testimonials for some funny quotes and pictures.