WONDER WOMAN HAS NOTHIN' ON ME

 

My friend The Hotfessional (also known as Professor Caped Stick) introduced me to The Hero Factory, where you can create your own Superhero character. It's fun, but not quite accurate, as it gave me the superhero name of "Merciful Avenger." Since I hate mercy, and think it's mostly for pussies, I changed it in Photoshop to be "The Bitchy Avenger" which has a much better ring to it, don't you think?

I'm also a little disappointed because the site didn't give me the option of wearing some kick-ass stilettos. You may not know this, but stilettos not only make you look taller and sexier, but are also an effective weapon as you can quickly take them off and drive the heel through someone's ball-sack, or eye, or any soft tissue. No superhero should be without a good pair - or in my case 80 (you know, for backup).

However, because my talents in Photoshop are limited, I could not alter the picture to include a pair of Christian Louboutins. So I've resorted to running around the city beating people up in bare feet - mostly because I refuse to wear Superhero boots that resemble Uggs (or should I say Fuggs - because they are FUCKING UGLY!)

You'll also note I chose not to wear pants because they are fucking uncomfortable and if I'm going to be saving the world, I'm going to do it so I can BREATHE and not have a waistband digging into me - especially after I've eaten a super burrito for lunch. I did, however, choose to wear a supportive, bullet-proof top because with my rack, I don't need to be giving myself whiplash as I'm running after bad guys.

So now it's just a matter of figuring out what kind of super powers I want to have.

Most people would choose flying as a power, but quite frankly, I don't need my hair getting all wind-blown and my teeth getting pummeled with bug guts. That's for your "special" heroes like Superman, who let's face it, was not the brightest bulb on his planet, which is why they dropped him off here - so they wouldn't have to deal with his stupid ass. I would much prefer a private jet of some sort that comes with a lot of half-naked men on board that cater to my every whim. Because when I get to where I'm going, I'll need to be relaxed to rid the world of evil, not all tired and jet-lagged.

I don't need x-ray vision either, because people are ugly enough without me having to see through their clothes and crazy enough without me having to see what they do behind closed doors. Superheroes don't have time for therapy.

I *do* want super strength though ... just so I could teach a lesson to people doing really annoying shit that deserve a good ass kicking. Like the chick at work today who just stood in the middle of the fucking main doorway for 30 minutes with her enormous shelf ass that you could set a couple of martinis and a cheese plate on. She was completely oblivious to the fact she was blocking EVERYONE'S path with her behind. She just chatted away inanely about cleaning her tile grout this weekend to another woman who at least had the courtesy to stand AWAY from the door - probably as she was looking for an escape route, or something sharp to help end the conversation. How fun would it have been to have been able to pick table-tush up and toss her over the second floor landing and watch her bounce off the lobby floor. That would make her think twice before blocking someone's path again. And what is a Superhero if they can't get people to learn from their mistakes?

I'd also want the ability to render people completely mute. When I found people talking about completely useless shit that no one cares about - like their quest to find that last Donny and Marie album on Ebay to complete their collection - I'd just shoot lasers out of my eyes and they would lose the ability to speak or make sound. Think of all the people I would save from being bored to death! Not to mention the wars I could divert by keeping people from pissing each other off because they didn't know when to keep their mouths shut.

And while I think Wonder Woman's truth lasso was pretty freakin' cool, I'm thinking that instead I would like a magic mirror that when I held it up to people they could actually see themselves clearly. They would see how ridiculous they look in those parachute pants, or understand for the first time that they don't know as much as they think they do, or realize in one big epiphany that they really are a complete asshole. Because it seems that the thing people are lacking most in this world - besides common sense - is SELF AWARENESS. They just wander through life thinking they are the center of the fucking universe, when really they are a cockroach on the ass of the universe.

Of course, like any good Superhero, I'd also need a sidekick, and who better to be at my side than The Little Avenger, my faithful midget, who I could launch at enemies using a slingshot I kept in my Gucci purse. Bad guys wouldn't know what hit them. 

"Look in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No ... it's .. OH MY GOD ... it's an ANGRY MIDGET! RUUUUUNNNNNN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!"

Yes, The Mini-Avenger and I will clean up this planet - and all the idiots in it - starting with bitchy store-clerks and ending with the Oxy-clean guy, who, let's face it, NEEDS to shut the fuck up. It's a big job, but somebody's got to do it. And hey, I've already got the uniform ...

Comments

[Andrea]

Mute... always a good option, and the mirror is great too.
I would have used both of these powers before 9am today. I'll have to look into a career change...

[juneyor]

See if I had super powers I would want mind control. Think about it mind control is like having a bunch of other powers rolled into one. I don't need to be invisible if I have mind control, I'd just tell people they don't see me. Flying... hell no I'll just get people to fly me where ever I need to go. world peace, that's easy just tell them all they like each other and bam its done. Hell yeah I'd want mind control.

[Twisting Ivy]

Awesome. =)

And the Oxy-clean guy so needs to shut up. If you need backup other than Mini Avenger, let me know! LOL

[Ree]

Just think of what we could do! Your super powers, my letters. All dumbasses of the world - DISAPPEAR!!!

[Stacey]

I like that you're barefoot. It kinda says, "I'm going to make you paint my toenails before I kick your ass."

[Daisy]

Your obsession with ball-sacks has popped up again...very interesting.

The Oxy-Clean dude is SUPER annoying, but the stuff does work.

[Miss J]

I have the drawing/Photoshop skills to provide The Bitchy Avenger with more appropriate footwear, but I don't have time right now. Of course, this puts yet ANOTHER item on my never ending "Silly Fun Things I'd Rather Do Than Actual Work" list. Dammit, woman.