BIG LIES ABOUT THE BIG O

 

Two recent news articles have me thinking that people not only in the general public are stupid lunatics, but seemingly EDUCATED people - people of SCIENCE - are also completely off their rocker.

The first article is from The Sunday Times in the UK and proclaims that women can experience a drug-free, pain-free labor that comes with ... are you ready for this??? ... multiple orgasms.

Now I have never given birth ... THANK GOD ... so my point of reference here is limited, I admit. But I was present during a friend's labor as a substitute coach and saw many films about child birth. Okay, so I really only saw the beginning of a lot of child birth films. I usually passed out or ran into the bathroom to vomit somewhere in the middle and never quite got to the end.

Still, I can tell you from these experiences that not once did I see a woman having a good time. Not even close. There were moans and screams - yes. But these cries were not of the "OH YAH ... RIGHT THERE, BABY" variety as much as in the "KILL ME NOW SO THE PAIN WILL STOP" category.

I'm thinking that when your vagina opens up to roughly 200 times its normal size, ripping you in half because an alien being is writhing its enormous head out of it, it is not a pleasurable experience. That's probably why they don't write a lot of romance novels about it.

But hey ... again ... I've never given birth so who am I to poo-poo science? So I asked some women who did give birth what they thought of this story.

After the laughing stopped, this is what they told me:

Mom #1 - gave birth once, naturally.

"What complete and utter bull-shit! Who has time to concentrate on having an orgasm when it feels like you are being pulled inside out? And even if you COULD have multiple orgasms, is it really the appropriate place and time - in front of all those doctors and nurses - to be writhing around and moaning "YES, YES, YESSSSSSSSS ...."

Mom #2 - gave birth twice, once naturally, once by C-section.

"I think these people are smoking crack. Being in labor is the most horrific and grueling pain I have ever experienced. I wanted to die when I was having my son. I wanted someone to hit me over the head with a hammer and end my misery. I don't know how someone could have enjoyed that, unless they were a masochist and get off on pain."

Mom #3 - gave birth four times.

"The only way I was able to have four children was because of drugs. And all I can think of is that these women who said they experienced an orgasm while giving birth had too many drugs. It had to be a drug-induced hallucination. Or maybe they were in so much pain they were delirious?"

Mom #4 - gave birth once and says that was enough.

"Seriously, orgasms are great and all, but who wants an orgasm THEN? I'd much rather have 5 minutes of pain-free peace and quiet - and maybe a margarita. Save the orgasms for after the baby is out and in college. Because until then, I don't have time."

Mom #5 - gave birth once.

"Was the doctor doing something? Maybe with his tongue? Although that would be ... very ... gross."

Mom #6 - had one child, pregnant again.

"I had a C-section the first time and am ADAMANT about doing a vaginal birth this time. If I can have an orgasm too ... are you kidding? Sign me up right now! I mean you are using the same muscles I think, although I don't really know. I was hoping the article offered tips or something, but it didn't. Needless to say, I'm mildly disappointed."

Just think how disappointed she's going to be when she finds out that Mom's 1 through 4 are right and this article is all a ploy to get a million dollar grant? But I'm going to keep an open mind. I've asked her to report back to me  ... you know, in the name of science. For her sake, I hope this article is right.

I don't need anyone to report back to me about this second article, however, which states that women also have orgasms while they work out at the gym. They call it a "coregasm."

I can point to a herd of fat women everywhere - myself included - who will debunk this theory all the way to hell and back while riding on a horse made entirely of cellulite. Don't you think if we were getting ORGASMS at the gym, we would all be waifs? Fuck, I'd never leave the gym. They'd probably find my skeletal remains on the elliptical machine. But I'd be grinning ear to ear, and probably smoking a cigarette.

I recently went back to the gym after a four year lethargic period in which my ass got its own zip code. And I can tell you, if I was getting orgasms there, it would be a LOT less painful getting up at 5:15 a.m. and dragging my sorry aforementioned enormous butt there. I'd probably fly out of bed and skip all the way to the gym humming a little tune if I was promised a couple of good solid O's. But no ... instead I get exhaustion, misery, and have to wear a sports bra that resembles an ace bandage. Instead of relaxed and glowy, I just end up sweaty and pissed off. This is about as far from an orgasm as I can imagine - except for child birth, that is.

Am I doing it wrong? Is there some sort of machine that my gym doesn't have that makes your eyes roll back in your head not from exhaustion, but from passion? Or are the women in which this article refers all bringing vibrators to the gym? Because that's the only explanation that makes sense to me.

Oh wait ... there is one other explanation. This article appears in MEN'S HEALTH magazine. Figures. It's all an evil plot by men to get their women to drop a few pounds. Nice try, boys. But you should be thankful this hoax isn't true. Because if we could have orgasms at the gym, what would we need you for?

Comments

[tracy]

cookie ... it's so effing great to have you back in my life. you make me laugh my sorry, fat ass off - out loud, at work I might add. keep it coming!

[Billie]

Hi Cookie, I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! But I have to agree with the second article. It can happen. It's an inappropiate reaction, so I wouldn't call it pleasurable. Honestly, there are so many better ways to go there.
-Billie
(The hip flex does it for me)

[witchypoo]

Horseback and motorcycle riding are stimulating; maybe there is something similar in the gym.

[Daisy]

A herd of fat women...really Cookie??? LOL!

[Ree]

Oh baby. An orgasm GOT me to childbirth, but during? No fucking way.

As for the second? Only horseback riding darlin. Great workout and side benefits. Running just makes me puke.

[heyjoe]

Who needs a gym? Reading Cookiebitch makes me come.

[Miss J]

Orgasms at the gym, indeed. The only arousal I've ever experienced while exercising was due to my significant other walking in while I was contorted into a (apparently provocative) yoga position and taking advantage. That was actually fun, but they frown on that sort of thing at health clubs.

[Stacey]

I call bullshit on the first one.

The second? Well, clearly I'm doing the wrong kind of exercise. (And if you find out what the right kind of exercise is, please let me know so I can sign up for classes.)

[Miss J]

Found it. There's apparently a Pilates machine that gets women off. Just happened to find this in an article about women's sexuality, and immediately ran here to post the link.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5967816.ece?token=null&offset=0&page=1