EVEN JESUS THINKS YOUR PHONE IS STUPID

This was mass e-mailed to about 400 people at my office, including myself, the other day:

    Hey Everyone, 

    While on lunch break today around noon,  I believe I may have mis-placed my cell phone while seated in the Lobby Area on Floor 2.  If you have found a Motorola Razr Phone with a sparkle cover and the picture on the front screen is Jesus, please call 555-5555 and ask for me or call me directly at ext 5555.

    Thank You,

    Jesus Phone Freak

Now while I am not religious, I think it is fine if other people are as long as they don't pour holy water on me or attempt to exorcise my demon spirit. However, using Jesus as a screen saver - or Allah, or Buddha for that matter - seems a little wacko to me. Combining said picture with a sparkle cover? Well ... I think that is grounds for going straight to hell, don't you? God probably snatched up that Jesus phone himself to punish this woman for covering him in bling. God help her if her ring tone was "Jesus is Just Alright" ...

I thought this e-mail would be the end of the Jesus phone saga. But I was wrong. The next day, I received this:

    Good Morning Everyone,

    Just want to thank those of you that are showing concern for the loss of my cell phone. Please continue to pray that I find my phone, as it is the only phone I have so it is a great loss to me.  It still has not shown up and I will have to file a claim on this phone tomorrow if it doesn’t turn up by end of day today, since it is my sole communication at home.

    If you find this phone, you could either take it to the counter downstairs, call my ext. 5555, reply to this email, or call me at 555-5555.

   Thank you again for your concern.

   Jesus Phone Freak

Really? People are showing that much concern for your gaudy Jesus phone? Are they sending you gift baskets? Sympathy cards? Forming a prayer circle around the copy machine?

What's next? Putting pictures of the phone on the side of milk cartons? Calling America's Most Wanted? (Although you can't really call anyone can you ... ha ha ha ha ...)

Listen up freak ... no one cares about your fucking phone. This is your problem, and it isn't much of a problem at that. Get another phone and shut up about it. You are at work. You should be doing work. God knows I have enough to do without hearing about your phone any longer.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to send an e-mail out asking everyone in the building if they have seen my Mother Theresa leopard-print drinking flask. I had it in my purse when I snuck it in the bathroom for my morning pick-me-up, but now I can't seem to find it. Pray for me, will yah?

Comments

[Memarie Lane]

omg the bitch is back!

[Ree]

Someone today told me that they would Pray for me. someone from work. Which scares the immortal shit outta me.

[HeyJoe]

"Mother Theresa leopard-print drinking flask" Beautiful. I could use one of those.

Aren't there rules about using the "email all" for personal shit? But knowing "the company" so long as it's religious in nature it's probably OK.

[witchypoo]

Your life must be all unicorns and puppies if it took you this long to get pissed off. And I ask myself "What Would Cookie Bitch Do?"

[witchypoo]

Your life must be all unicorns and puppies if it took you this long to get pissed off. And I ask myself "What Would Cookie Bitch Do?"

[Kim]

Yay - you're back! I thought you'd been arrested!

[Miss J]

Thatta girl! Cookie's back! Is it a sign of the apocalypse, or does it just mean God exists?

[Tim]

Maybe Jesus has a piture of Jesus Freak on his cell phone. Maye they're BFF's. Jesus's cell phone probably rocks. He's probably got unlimited minutes. I'll bet his ring is like a chorus of angels or something like that which you can't find anywhere on the internet.

[Stacey]

That's just a bit disturbing. How many people have prank called her pretending to be God or Jesus since these emails went around?

[Amy]

Okay...I can understand sending one email out and waiting to hear from someone. But to keep going with it?!?! I don't think so.

[Daisy]

I'm sure some readers think you may have exaggerated a tad, added a little padding to the story. However, having seen both of the Jesus Phone Freak emails I can vouch that this is all true. Every word. Which makes it even scarier.

[childrens nursery]

I was touched by this post. So what happened next? Thanks for sharing...

[SaraLaughs]

Hey there, glad to have the Bitch back! Babs at Less Traveled By here. New blog link:

http://tworoadsinayellowwood.blogspot.com/

Love reading ya!

Babs

[witchypoo]

Hope that you have a birthday that is as fabulous as you are, darlin. *Mwah!

[juneyor]

please come back..... I miss you terribly. life is just not complete without a daily dose of the bitch.

[elle michelle]

This is my first visit to your blog, so I can't jump on the "welcome back" train, but I will say that I think you're hilarious. And possibly drunk, but who isn't on a Sunday night? Wait, what?

[Scott]

Even if I were Christian, I'd laugh at this--possibly even more! It amazes me the lengths to which Christians go to convince themselves they're right!

[HeyJoe]

I’m wounded by the lack of commitment to your audience.

[babs.]

Hey there- I gave you a blog award today, The Premio Dardos Blog Award. Come check it out on my latest post. MUAH! - Babs

[hautepocket]

I just found your blog via Elle Michelle and you, my friend, are damn hilarious. Look forward to reading more!

[lceel]

I thought the bitch was supposed to be back. Fuck. I miss my Cookiebitch.

[Beth Peck]

LOL, this is just great! Hilarious!

[Miss J]

What louceel said. Get it together, Cookie, my husband left me and I'm still posting.