YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

My fellow-blogger and friend Marie is one brave woman. She's expecting her third child and is doing so with grace and dignity. She also recently found out the sex of the bun currently in her oven - so she can stop calling it an unbaked dinner roll and start calling it "dude" or "dudette" instead. To find out which it is, click HERE.

Grace and dignity are not the traits I would possess if *I* were expecting a child, let alone my third. Although I respect motherhood, it scares the living shit out of me. I kill plants just by looking at them. My idea of a home-cooked meal is using the microwave to heat up leftover Chinese. I feel queezy and come close to passing out whenever I think of my nipples as a feeding device. So if I were to find out I was pregnant, instead of grace and dignity there would be hysteria and panic.

So you can understand that even a pregnancy SCARE is enough to have me curled up in the fetal position just like the baby I might be carrying.

Thanks to a co-worker "friend" who absolutely loves to tease me about having babies - because I am steadfast about my reproductive organs remaining unused and my uterus remaining barren - I had one such panic attack a few years back. It wasn't that I was late, really, if you call 24 hours being late. But ask any woman, and she will tell you these 24 hours add up to a big pile of paranoia.

My "friend" added to this paranoia, teasing me every time I saw her about "how much I glowed." To take a hormonal woman and play on her innermost fears of having a baby is much like throwing gasoline on a fire. The flames of paranoia leap to epic proportions. I sat at my desk thinking about what the heck I would do with a baby, how I could possibly take care of one, and went down the list of possible people to whom I could give it to, including my "friend."

Finally, realizing I would get nothing done until I knew for sure, I resolved to go buy an early pregnancy test at lunch. That way, I would know if I should spend my afternoon rejoicing about my barrenness or sobbing uncontrollably.

But I wasn't about to buy the test at my neighborhood grocery store. I knew all the clerks there, after all. In my fragile state, I would not be able to endure that knowing look as they scanned the test and gave me a smile - or worse yet, a wink. That would surely send me over the edge.

So this formerly secure woman instead drove 10 miles to a neighboring town and to a grocery store she had never stepped foot in before. Hopefully, there would be no one I knew here. But I donned sunglasses and scrunched down in my jacket just to make sure. I slunk from aisle to aisle, throwing items I didn't need aimlessly into my shopping cart so as to camouflage the test and make it less conspicuous. When I went into the aisle that held the item I was looking for, I actually started to whistle nonchalantly as I scanned for witnesses. Then, quickly and stealthily, I knocked a box into my cart and covered it with a six pack of Ensure and a frozen package of Flan.

As I approached the check-out line, I tried to calm myself. I'm a married, responsible woman. If I buy a pregnancy test, it's no big deal, right? There's nothing to be ashamed of! Then why did I expect my mother, who lives two states away, to suddenly leap out from behind the potato chip display and call me a slut?

I could feel myself breaking out in hives as the clerk started scanning my items. I prayed there wouldn't be a price check on the test, and she wouldn't notice it among the $218 worth of groceries I was purchasing but didn't need.

I made it out unscathed and seemingly unnoticed and drove the 10 miles back home. I was shaking and unable to pee because of performance anxiety. But after several deep breaths, I was able to take the test. One line was my goal. Two lines meant my life as a selfish childless woman was coming to an end. I'd have to curb my shoe habit to pay for diapers and things called "binkies." God help me!

I'm sure my neighbors wondered why in the middle of the day I would be dancing around my yard and whooping like I had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. But at that moment, one line was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and I had to celebrate.

I know many women out there like Marie will make great mom's and their kids are lucky to have them. Me? I am not ashamed to say that I am happy to be an aunt, a step-mom, and a shoe whore, but that I know myself well enough not to be a mom. And that's worth celebrating, too.

Comments

[Marie]

If it helps, I've never used pacifiers at all, much less referred to them as binkies. *gag*

[teeni]

Awesome post! I can totally sympathize with all you went through from one aunt to another! I'm stumbling this post.

[zoe]

i admire you for your ability to acknowledge that motherhood is not for you. too many women deny their true feelings and end up miserable.

[Daisy]

I know you'll hate me for saying this, but I can't help myself:

I wish to all of the powers that be that you would get pregnant just so I could see the look on your face. Then, you could give the baby to me. It really is a win-win for all!

[Miss J]

There you go again, saying stuff that could have come out of my own mouth, dammit. I am SO buying you a lap dance from the midget stripper if the Bible thumpers don't manage to shut down the weirdo bar before you're in town.

I'm praying for early menopause, and the cessation of pregno-phobia (?) that it will bring. Come on, hot flashes!

I'm probably not fit to be a mother, but I'm pretty good at the eccentric auntie thing... when in doubt, I channel Rosalind Russell.

[Tara]

When I was buying pregnancy tests prior to our having our daughter, I made sure that the clerk could see my engagement and wedding rings...as if it really mattered but like you, I expected my mother to hop out from behind the shelves and chastise me. Oh the numbers our mothers do on us daughters. ;)

[Veronica]

You went to another town? I can just imagine how freaked out you were!

I however, have no shame and was always the one to buy condoms, tampons and pregnancy tests for my friends. Generally all at once.

[suburbancorrespondent]

All my plants die, too. Luckily, children speak up when they are thirsty.

[Kim]

I admit there were times I thought to myself "what the hell have I done?" I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything, but I can understand your side, too.

Oh, and I almost peed myself when I read about your mom jumping out from behind the chips and calling you a slut.

[Reba]

I totally praise you and don't let anyone pressure you into motherhood before your ready.

There is no right time and if it never comes, so what.

[river]

I'm a checkout chick, well CHOOK really, and I'm here to tell you that most times we don't even notice what zips past the scanner. After a few minutes every item is just grab and scan, grab and scan, how many hours now until the end of my shift, grab and scan, grab and scan,oh my god still three hours to go, grab and scan, grab and scan, do you have a flybuys card? adinfinitum........

[Rebecca]

i guess i don't know you too well, but from what i do know, i think you'd make a very, very cool mom :) but i guess for now children born or unborn will still have the opportunity to have you as a very, very cool aunt/step-mom/etc.