WHAT I LEARNED AT MANAGEMENT TRAINING

I had to take management training again today - an EXCRUCIATING experience equal only to having Edward Scissorhands give you a pap smear.

Today's topics were "How to handle performance issues" and "Giving constructive feedback." I don't think the teacher liked me from the get-go, because when she asked the class how you tell an employee they are not meeting your expectations, I told her that I tell them they suck, and that I'll fire their lazy ass if they don't improve.

Apparently that wasn't the politically correct answer. Go figure.

First, the instructor told us you need to ask them if there is a personal issue that is causing them to not be able to do their work. In other words, you have to pretend to care about them. I suck at this. I can barely stay awake when people I actually LOVE tell me about their problems. How did they expect me not to nod off when listening to people who I don't sleep with?

I'm so easily bored when things don't apply directly to me that I need someone to hold up the latest Neiman Marcus catalog to keep me focused or my attention will go elsewhere. I've been known to just wander off in the middle of a conversation because, to put it simply, I'm done. I don't need to know any more. Everything that is said at this point is just "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." In fact, I recommend if you want me to stick around that you throw some key words in there from time to time to capture my interest. Words like "TEQUILA" or "SEX" or "MIDGETS."

For example, frequent reader and overall awesome woman Kim once e-mailed me. Not wanting me to just skip right over her message and knowing of my low threshold for pretty much everything, she titled the e-mail "FREE SHOES." I read it right away. And even though I got a little violent when I found out it was all a ploy, I did pay attention to what she had to say. That was a smart move on Kim's part. Others could learn from her.

But now I was being told that to be an effective manager and to help people do their jobs better, I had to pretend to care about my employees and their personal lives. Shouldn't my employees be pretending to care about ME? Isn't that the normal organizational chart for sucking up? Why did I have to suck up to them? I've spent half my life working my ass off so I could finally be the boss and STOP sucking up. And now they're changing the rules? FUCK THAT!

The teacher went on to say that after we determined whether there was a personal reason keeping them from doing their job, we needed to come up with a plan for them to improve their performance, and get their buy-in for the plan. Are you kidding me? The fuck-ups have a say? When did that start? I didn't have a say when my boss told me I had to stop beating people in the back of the head when they didn't work fast enough. No one asked me about *MY* feelings when I was told to stop stapling people's privates to their desk if they were late for work.

We then had to break off into groups to come up with three "methods" of motivating employees to do better. As we did so, the instructor looked directly at me and told me that we couldn't include any verbal threats, like "I will fire your ass" on our list. Fucking kill-joy.

It didn't take long for my group to complete the task, and I was touched when I was nominated to report back on our findings, although the instructor didn't seem nearly as thrilled about it as I was. These were the top 3 methods of motivating employees we came up with (well, I was the one who really thought of them, but my group agreed):

1. MACE

2. TASER

3. PUBLIC FLOGGING

I also wanted to suggest that for really bad employees, we strip them naked and make them dance like a chicken. But some of our employees I wouldn't want to see naked under any circumstance, so I kept that one to myself.

Finally, the class ended with an update on discrimination laws. The instructor made a point of letting us know that we could not treat pregnant women any differently because of their condition, or it was considered discrimination. This is also true even if the pregnant woman can't do her duties because she is sick, or uses the excuse that she's pregnant and therefore can't do anything.

"How about calling her 'PREGGO' or 'BUDDAH' and encouraging other employees to pat her belly," I asked her. "Is that wrong?"

"Yes, that's wrong, Cookie," the instructor told me, visibly upset that I was still in the class.

I put my hand up again.

"But what if the Preggo - um - I mean pregnant person - is at work and her water breaks on your new Manolos and you bitch slap her? I mean ... bitch deserved it, right?"

I don't know why, but apparently I have to go to "sensitivity" training now. I'm also not allowed to be alone with any of my employees anymore, for fear I may hurt them. But hey ... there are no performance issues in my department. Yet I see other managers continue to "listen" and "help" and "motivate" employees who just milk the system for all its worth and don't do shit. So whose methods work best, I ask you?

Comments

[goinglikesixty]

I remember those days. But there weren't blogs back then so I couldn't write a post like this, even though we all wanted to.

Now I am home-schooled. I'm in the advanced class.

[Veronica]

Uh yeah, I'm sorry, but when I was working your PERSONAL life and your WORKING life were completely different and meant to stay separate.

I mean, if you were dead you would get consideration as to why you couldn't work, but seriously anything other than death didn't cut it.

No excuses.

[HeyJoe]

This is why I have no interest in being a manager ever again. Seven years was enough.

[witchypoo]

Hey, I can understand where they're coming from. Fuckups have feelings too. But mainly? They have lawyers.

[Miss J]

THIS is EXACTLY why I don't want a supervisor job, EVER AGAIN. I have refused so-called promotions from several employers, because I don't want to be the poor schmuck who is held responsible for the productivity of my so-called "team" without the authority to fire dead weight.

Like a person I will call "Barbara," because that's her real name. She came in late, took three hour lunches, and left early every day, and spent the time in between filing her nails while watching soap operas on a little portable TV. She still somehow managed to get several hundred dollars a month in "productivity bonuses". I don't know WHO she was blackmailing, to this day.

[river]

Political correctness and sensitivity have gone way overboard. I've refused supervisor training several times because I don't want the responsibility of making sure all minions are treated fairly and properly while allowing them to renege on requested working hours. After all, if they've said they can work Mon-Fri from 4-7pm then they should be available. I don't want to have to be nice and say fine, go party,(or study), I'll get someone else to cover your shift. I'd be more likely to say if you can't stick to the roster arrange for different hours or find another job. So I remain a minion and watch my supervisor go nuts over rosters.

[moooooog35]

I get motivated at work by hanging a picture of Scarlett Johannsen over my head on a stick. Then I run around all day trying to get it while simultaneously masturbating.

This freaks people out, because I work in Tech Support...but, whatever.

[Marie]

"How to handle performance issues" and "Giving constructive feedback."

You sure this wasn't sex therapy?

I used to manage hotels. If I ever enter the workforce again, I will do it as a lowly peon, TYVM.

[Daisy]

Ahhhh....good old AG. Gosh I miss those days. You must immediately give me more details.

Also, FYI, you get paid the big bucks to deal with your staffs problems. That’s what being a manager is....glorified babysitting

[Notablonde]

Gah, one of my bosses must have taken the same training course. If I screw up, smack me in the head, tell me I'm a dumbass and threaten to spork me if I ever do it again. End of story. I don't want to discuss my personal shit with him anymore than he wants to hear it. I've started making up stories just to traumatize him when he asks how I'm doing. I get a laugh and so do my two other bosses when he confides my "stories" to them.

[Kim]

I don't want to be in charge. Hell, my kids don't listen to me, what makes me think adults will? I sit in my office, do my job, blog a little, and go home. Life is good.

[Dawn]

omg I've missed you. Would you deal with my dead dad's trashy girlfriend for me?

[Twisting Ivy]

Awesome... just awesome.

Not only is your management style fucking hilarious, but I say if it ain't broke, don't fix it right? lol =)

[suburbancorrespondent]

You have totally redeemed yourself with this post. My husband has had the worst week at work, and this had him laughing his a** off.

Also, I just happened to see (for the first time) those motivational posters that this post makes fun of, the day you posted this. I had to sign my son up for a community college course, and these posters were hanging up all over the counseling office. I said, "You see those posters? If you don't study something useful in college, you're going to end up working in an office like this, surrounded by stupid people who think these posters are great."

It's like "Scared Straight" for would-be college drop-outs...

[Meg]

For the sensitivity training--I suggest taking a Neiman Marcus catalog hidden in a notebook with you. You can shop for shoes and make notes for your next blog post at the same time.