QUANTITY VS. QUALITY

I didn't want to do this. After being harassed for my lack of knowledge about the Duggar family in this post, I swore I would never blog on the subject again.

But the Duggars are just ASKING for it. They are like members of a school field trip all armed with sticks, poking at a sleeping bear, which in this case, is me. I want to just lay in the back of the cage in a fetal position and forget that they exist. But they are so fucking obnoxious I just can't ignore them any longer. I need to get up and growl at them, and possibly gouge out an eye or two - just for good measure.

Besides, a lot of my faithful readers are also poking at me, egging me on to rip this family a new asshole. I know this because many of you e-mailed me this link to a story about the Duggars that the Today Show did for Mother's Day. I don't think those of you who sent it to me did so because you wanted my heart to fill with joy at the news that this family was now expecting its 18th child. I would hope you would know me better than that, anyway.

I think you did it because you knew I would recoil in horror before the rage hit. And then when the rage hit ... well, you like it when I'm angry don't you, you bastards!?

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that the Duggars appear on television seemingly almost EVERY Mother's Day on one show or another. A quick Google search has them on Inside Edition, Discovery Health, and MSNBC just to name a few. All their appearances seen to have the same theme - that Mrs. Duggar and her triple-wide vagina are the standard for mother's everywhere. What a bunch of crap!

Quantity does not equate to quality, people! If  you put a case of Night Train in front of me, or one bottle of really good merlot, I'll pick the merlot every time (although I may keep the Night Train in case of emergency.) Similarly, I know a LOT of extremely fertile women who can't take care of themselves, let alone a baby. The ability to give birth -even 18 times - does not mean you automatically have the skills or capacity necessary to be a good mom. I wish the opposite were true, as there would be a lot more well adjusted kids in the world. But to say that because this woman is a human baby machine, she should get special play on Mother's Day, is ludicrous. I think Mrs. Duggar would make a much better and more poignant story during "Contraceptive Awareness Week," for example or as part of series titled "How to say 'no' to your husband and mean it."

A mother that has one child is no less a mother than one with 12. In fact, I'm guessing the one with just one child still has some sort of sanity to cling to.

This is not to say that Mrs. Duggar is a shitty mom either. I wouldn't know, as I don't know the woman, and doubt I would want to get to know her either. She and I have little in common outside of both having a vagina - although mine you can't drive a tractor trailer through (although you may be able to squeeze a Mini Cooper in there, if you use some good lube.)

But I would have to venture to say that with 18 kids in the house she hardly has time to spend QUALITY time with all of them in a day. Let's just break it down, shall we? There are 24 hours in a day. Let's say, because the woman is almost constantly pregnant, that she has to have her 8 hours a day to sleep and recoup (although if you ask me, I would never get out of bed, and just lay there and sob uncontrollably, cursing my husband's penis.) That leaves 16 hours to do what she needs to do. If she's not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, or getting drunk in the bathroom (which is also what I would do) - that still leaves less than an hour per kid per day - or 53.33 minutes to be exact.

Now she could use an egg timer, and just go from kid to kid, packing the motherly love into those 53.33 minutes before moving on to the next one when the buzzer goes off. If the kid needs more time, they'll just have to wait until the next day. Because hey, you can't play favorites. But I would think the woman would also need to pee every now and then, or have a snack. God knows her husband probably wants to start working on the next kid too - so there's got to be some boink boink time factored in there as well. That means that instead of 53.33 minutes you probably have only about 30 to 40 minutes per kid.

Obviously dividing up the day between kids is not a good answer. Also, babies take more time than older children, for example. So what the Duggar's do, according to their Web site, is assign older children to be "buddies" to the younger children, therefore making them responsible for their care.

This, in my opinion, blows chunks. Your mom and dad won't use a fucking condom, thereby forcing you to take care of their offspring for them because they multiply faster than rabbits and can't take care of them all themselves? How is that fair? Shouldn't kids get an opportunity to be kids? I understand teaching responsibility - but this is a little extreme. The Duggar's also argue that it makes the kids closer. Maybe. But I can also see how it would make the kids resent each other. Maybe little Joan doesn't want to be a mom or child care provider. Maybe she wants to be an astronaut or a shoe store owner. Why can't she be allowed to pursue those interests instead of spending her time wiping the shit off of her younger sibling "buddy."

Which makes me wonder ... do the other kids get resentful when they hear that another baby is on their way, cutting down the time they get with mom and increasing the time they will have to spend changing diapers and warming up formula? I know I would be resentful. I also know that if I was Mrs. Duggar, I'd have to put nametags on the children to keep them all straight - especially since they keep giving their children names that start with the letter "J."

I know people who would argue that the Duggar's are at least providing for their children and aren't on welfare. Yah. Wow. Good for them. But are they REALLY taking care of all those kids? Can they? I'm sure they love them. I'm sure they try to do what's best. But again, it's a numbers game. You just can't give 18 kids the attention you can give 4 kids.

There's the obvious question that comes to mind with this family, too. And that is ... WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT 18 KIDS? Then I read the About Us section of their web site, which talks about how the Duggars used to use the pill, but got pregnant and miscarried.

Their site goes on to say: "At that point they talked with a Christian medical doctor and read the fine print in the contraceptives package. They found that while taking the pill you can get pregnant and then miscarry. They were grieved! They were Christians! They were pro-life! They realized that their selfish actions had taken the life of their child. They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing."

OMG ... this is as crazy as the lunatic extreme Christians whose children can be dying of a disease but refuse to get them medical treatment because they are waiting for God to heal them. They never once stop to think that maybe God put hospitals, doctors, and yes - even birth control - in the world so you use the brains he gave you to help yourself.

I could go on and on ... (like mentioning that being pro-life has nothing to do with taking birth control, and questioning why the Duggar's oldest son was "shocked" to hear his mother was pregnant again) but I won't. I think I've said enough ... and quite frankly, I got myself so worked up over this I need to take a nap. Please put the stick down and leave me be. I'm sure I'll wake up in time to hear that the Duggar's are about to drop No. 19 - which will probably be about 9 months from now.

Comments

[Becky]

Truly nauseating. Icky poo!

[witchypoo]

You forgot all the downtime when she has the family vans parked in her vagina.

[punchlinewalking]

"Mrs. Duggar and her triple-wide vagina" is the single funniest thing I've read in a very long time!

[Sheri]

The kids don't shock me as much as her hair. I know they go out and maybe even watch tv. And perhaps the entire long hair thing has roots in their religion, but let it all grow out or something. I know I couldn't handle 18 kids. I've always wondered what this guy does for a living. We have a hard time with 3 kids. Oh well.

[GoingLikeSixty]

As long as she follows the Foreman Format for Faces, I'm OK with it.
The FFF? Name them all George.

[Memarie Lane]

My mom was the second of ten and the first girl, and basically a slave as a result.

She now works at a pregnancy center for poor women. She doesn't discourage contraceptives, but she does try to encourage "natural family planning." She sent me a booklet on it once, and that's how I ended up with Jessamine.

[HeyJoe]

So about that Mini Cooper; how's Saturday night work for you?

[suburbancorrespondent]

Well, I can't resist either. Sorry. Pro-lifers object to certain forms of birth control because they are not only contraceptive, but also can abort an already conceived baby. The IUD and the Pill, in particular.

My husband and I use no birth control, not because we are crazy, but because we love babies and would not mind in the least if we had another child to join our family. Also, condoms are disgusting.

I only have 6 children, but I am sure that, on average, I spend less than an hour one-on-one time with each of them each day. And if I had only 2 or 3 kids, I don't think that would change. I mean, that doesn't include the conversations we may have while I am going about my work cleaning or cooking or doing laundry. It is a common misconception (pun intended) that children need scads of undivided parental attention. They don't. In fact, the children that do get loads of parental attention tend to be insufferable brats. Children need loving parents who feed, clothe, and shelter them and who hopefully take some time to read to them or whatever. Children whose physical needs are cared for and whose parents are present feel loved enough not to require "special" attention all the time.

I actually know a family with 16 or 17 kids (I lost count), and it is a very happy, well-adjusted clan. I also know small families that are just as happy. I just hate the myth of quality time - it's nonsense.

[Cool Lisa]

All I can say is....Rip Away CB!!!!!

[Tara]

Birth control was invented because women are not designed to be baby making machines.

How effed up is it that she's pregnant every 9 months and her daughters KNOW HER CYCLE? That's gross and disturbing and clearly shows that they keep track to know if they're going to get saddled with another screaming kid to deal with.

[Miss J]

WTF?!? They make their kids take care of the other kids? This could backfire BIG TIME if they're hoping for 300 grandchildren.

One of the main reasons I don't have kids is that I had to take care of babies before I hit puberty. There's something about cleaning up unbelievably foul-smelling slushy green shit, at age nine, and/or staying up all night with a colicky baby at eleven, that irrevocably prevents you from romanticizing parenthood when you're older, even in the clutches of raging teenage hormones. (If that doesn't do it, being blamed for your horrible spoiled brat niece getting hit by a car while you're in the bathroom will do the trick.)

How is this woman still getting pregnant, anyway? After that many kids, doing her is probably like banging a five-gallon bucket of warm water.

[moooooog35]

Wait...

...there's a husband out there who's been laid EIGHTEEN TIMES?!?!?

My new hero.

[janelle]

OMG, you have me in stiches!!! Go Cookiebitch, GO!!!!

[Veronica]

Okay, my take on things.

She is having this many children because she says God wants her to, right? But God also equipped women with breasts for the purpose of feeding babies (not just for men and pleasure).

So, she mustn't be breastfeeding any of the infants, because breastfeeding is a natural contraceptive. Natural as in, God's plan for women.

I mean, that is what I come up with when I follow her reasoning for that many kids.

I was talking to my Dr the other day about conception and contraception (regarding our failure to conceive) and he said that in areas that have very little access to the outside world (ie: no contraception) the babies tend to come every 2-3 years naturally.

So how unnatural must she be?

Also, what the hell happens to 6 week recovery time after each delivery? I couldn't even fathom having sex until Amy was 10 weeks old and then it was a mercy fuck anyway.

Sorry for the essay. And yes, they do beg to be torn to shreds using their own logic.

[river]

I wonder if the older children are counting on using all those younger siblings as "buddies" for their own children when they eventually start their own families. Then the younger siblings start with THEIR families and use the nieces and nephews etc. etc. etc. Will the next generation also have J names? Or will they move on to the next letter? Will the older ones marry and start producing before Mummy has finished breeding? I've just realised their plan. They're going to take over the world..........

[lceel]

That guy must have the biggest dick in the world if he can still feel the sides of the triple-wide vagina. He should have that pecker bronzed - when he's done with it. Maybe before.

[Veronica]

Also, did I mention that I really REALLY feel for the poor daughters having to make the lunches and dinner for them all. I hate making lunch for just Amy and I, let alone making 20 of them! SHEESH.

Why can't the boys cook?

[april]

i believe they r creating their own army....wow

[Daisy]

First question...what is Night Train? Is that some white trash Canadian drink I don't know about?

Secondly, this woman is insane! There is no way to really be a mother to eighteen kids at one time. Pawning things off on the older children is giving them a one way ticket to the looney bin.

Last, who is going to marry into a family of 18? Talk about the drama!

[Miss J]

Moog, why would you want to get laid eighteen times by a woman with a vagina in which a midget man of steel could disappear and rust to death before the search party got government funding for spelunking equipment?

The idea following this is so disgusting I am going to self-censor, and let somebody else say it.

C'mon. You know you want to.

[Jacki]

I am a Christian but I make sure I take my birth-control pill the same time every day. I have one child and she is the only one I want.

[Reba]

I agree, I am not sure how you are a "parent" to 18 children. I feel it is cruel to make your older children be co-parent's with you. They didn't ask to have that many freakin kids.

Also, we are having a slight crisis with the environment and your 18 kids times whatever they decide to produce isn't helping!