RAGE AT THE PUMP

New Jersey and Oregon may have it right. In both states, it is against the law for average people to pump their own gas. Some of the reasons I've read behind this law include:

1. It is for the welfare of senior citizen and disabled drivers, who may find it difficult to pump their own gas (although its not easy to pump gas after you've spent the day in designer stiletto heels either, I can tell you);

2. The laws were made when gas pumps were a lot more dangerous, thereby minimizing accidents or spills (in other words, people couldn't put their cigarette down long enough to pump gas);

3. It is good for the economy because it creates jobs for trained gas-pumpers (and really, who wouldn't want a fulfilling career as a gas-pumper?)

But I think the REAL reason is something else entirely:

People, in general, are just too fucking stupid to pump their own gas.

A recent trip to the gas station confirmed this for me. As I pulled in, I was almost sideswiped by a Toyota whose driver was leaning out his window trying to see which side his gas tank was on. He did this while STILL DRIVING THE CAR, because while you are driving forward, you should definitely look behind you and to the side, so you don't shit yourself noticing you are about to drive head-on into a gas pump and explode in a fiery blaze of stupidity.

I leaned on my horn and put my head out my own window to warn the dumbass in the Toyota that he was, indeed, a danger to himself and others. "Watch where you are going!" I yelled at him.

"YOU watch where YOU'RE going!" he yelled back, proving himself to be the reason the government has strict hand gun laws. Because I would have sooooooo liked to blow out his tires with a .45 right about then. And then aim it at his crotch as I told him to dance like a fairy princess.

He finally pulled up to a pump, at which time he realized that leaning out your car window does not necessarily help you locate your gas tank, especially if you are distracted by a near death experience or have already sniffed enough gasoline fumes in your life that you now have only one working brain cell.

Instead of admitting defeat, however, the guy just tried to stretch the gas hose ACROSS the car, so it was positioned over the hood. This caused the hose to be so strained he could not let it go for fear it would snap back and smack him in the head (which, let's admit, would have been HILARIOUS). But in his effort to stretch the hose, he had forgotten to push the appropriate "unleaded" button which meant he had to crawl over the hood of his car with the hose still in his hand and slither across on his belly as he tried to press the button with the tip of the nozzle.

After some swearing and straining, he finally managed to hit the button, and slide back off the hood at which time he was covered in road dust and bug guts - and quite possibly what was left of a wayward possum. But now he realized he had forgotten to press the button next to the drivers side seat that releases the little door that leads to the gas tank. This required even more pulling and straining of the hose, at which time I could see sweat gleaming on his face and causing his shirt to stick to his back. At this rate, he'd have a heart attack before he filled his tank. I hope he didn't expect me to call 9-1-1.

Meanwhile, I was waiting for the woman on the other side of the pump to finish her business so I could pull in. She managed to figure out what side her gas tank was on, unlike the rocket scientist next to her. But she had found it necessary to park her giant gas-guzzling SUV in the middle between two pumps, making it difficult for someone to pull in behind her, or ahead of her, for that matter.

She finished pumping her gas, which took forever since her gas tank was roughly the size of Lake Michigan, waved at me as if to say "It's all yours" and got back in the drivers seat. But the SUV didn't move. Instead of her putting her mammoth vehicle into gear, she was rummaging through her purse. A couple minutes went by before she pulled out a brush and some lip gloss and started primping in the rear view mirror. Are you fucking kidding me?

I put my car in park and got out, walking up to the drivers side of the SUV. She turned to look at me with a broad smile.

"Do you mind pulling up so I can get gas?" I asked her, trying to match her smile but really just wanting to punch her in the teeth and destroy her perfectly glossed lips.

"When I'm finished," she said in a sing-song voice and looked back in the mirror to apply a fresh coat of powder.

"Um, this isn't a beauty parlor or a spa. It's a gas station. Can't you do that somewhere else?" I said, now not trying not to smile at all, and again thinking about why there were such strict gun laws, and how I could get around them.

"I told you ... when I'm finished," the woman said, not bothering to look at me as she began applying mascara. "You need to learn to be patient."

"Listen wench," I leaned in so the angry spittle I was about to flick may directly land on her. I was going to tell her to get the fuck out of my way before I rearranged her face in a way that no amount of make-up could cover. But then I saw it. A fucking baby seat. With a fucking baby in it. DAMNIT! I couldn't beat a mother up in front of her kid! Or could I?!?

No ... no I couldn't. Stupid, shitty morals! Why did they always get in the way?

So I stomped back to my car, waiting for her to give herself a manicure and a pedicure before she deemed herself pretty enough to drive away. Then I saw it ... a space at the other row of pumps that had just become free. I backed up and turned around, ready to pull in and finally get the gas I needed. But just as I was pulling forward, a suped up Ford with its base blaring so loud the windows actually pulsated in and out pulled around me AND TOOK MY SPOT.

A punk kid of about 17 jumped out of the drivers side with his cell phone firmly planted to his ear. He was jabbering on to some "dude" about some "lame" party that didn't have enough girls at it when I leaned out my car window - again - and pointed out to him he had cut in front of me. He just waved me off with a bored look as he kept babbling on.

I could have rammed his car - causing his parents to have to pay even more for his insurance and me to have the satisfaction of watching his acne-scarred face register surprise. It may have even got him to shut the fuck up and put his cell phone down. But causing such an accident would have inevitably meant my trip to the gas station would take even LONGER as the cops were called and depositions were taken ... and who wanted to go through all that again? So instead, I chose to cut my losses, take my chances, and try to get home on the last few fumes I had left . Besides, I needed a drink.

All that stupidity had left me more drained than my gas tank. It also left me thinking wistfully of moving to Oregon or New Jersey, where I'm sure there are just as many morons - but at least they weren't allowed out of their car. I also think that the gun laws aren't as strict.

Comments

[Tara]

You crack me up. I can't believe that stupid woman wouldn't pull up to let you in...geez, I put make up on going 80 down the freeway, she could at least let her foot off the brake!

[Tanya]

Ha!!!

That was hilarious

It even happens here in Aus

It's funny to watch the chaos- unless you are in a hurry!!!

[Ree]

This is why I drive my car to the verge of empty. ;-)

[teeni]

I can't believe that woman had the nerve to tell you that she would move up when she was finished and that you needed to learn to be patient. If someone asked me to move, I'd apologize for not realizing I had been holding someone up and get out of their way right away. Sheesh. What are these people born with alien genes or something? They certainly don't act like normal human beings and to behave that way in front of their own kids is really strange. I don't think people with kids should automatically get a pass for being a complete turd. They ought to be put in their place in front of their kids so the kid at least has a chance to grow up normal and not a turd like their parent.

LOL. I guess this post hit a nerve with me. Ran into my own idiot standing in line the other day at a store. Can you tell?

[Miss J]

Never mind gun laws, why is it illegal to drag rude, stupid people out of their cars and slap some sense into them?

[Citronella]

I thought all Toyotas had the little arrow on the dashboard that let you know on which side your tank is... or maybe it was an old Toyota?

[heyjoe]

That totally stressed me out. I swear to God this world has become such a selfish, fucked up place. I can see why people in the old west settled disputes with guns.

P5K sister, it's the only answer.
http://www.somalit.com/P5K.html

[Veronica]

Yeah, I was getting stressed for you!

[Kelley]

how old was the baby? Cause they totally can't see very far until they are like 6 months old. You still coulda punched her in the face and not scarred the kid. I think she would be doing a fine job of that herself.

[moooooog35]

I used to go on business trips to Oregon about three times a year.

One additional fact about Eugene, Oregon:

1) It IS illegal to pump your own gas
2) It's perfectly legal for women to walk around topless (witnessed by yours truly on a wonderful, wonderful day)

Why I still live in New England, I have no f*cking idea.

[Kim]

Wouldn't you think you'd know where your gas tank was? Was this his first time pumping gas?

I agree with Miss J - stupid people should be smacked. Hard. Often.

[Marie]

I lived in OR for a year. It was pretty nice not to have to pump my own gas, especially in the winter. #3 was really the main reason, Oregon has the highest unemployment rate in the nation and if they suddenly fired all the gas pumpers there'd be civil war.

[lceel]

I can understand the reason for the law in Jersey - the State IQ is 10 points lower than everywhere else because of all the pollution in the environment fucking with everybody's heads. But Oregon? On the other hand, tell me more topless stories and I may have to move there.

[Candy]

Oh my god I would have had to be physically restrained if this happened to me! How on earth did you not end up in JAIL?

And while not pumping your gas here in NJ is certainly a welcome thing, I look really really stupid in other states.

[Notablonde]

We used to always go to Jersey to fill up the gas tank. Cheaper gas and no getting out to pump it. Believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. All the stupid people from NY that I was trying to avoid? Yup, they're in line in Jersey, just as stupid in their cars as out. I now make a weekly butt crack of dawn drive to a little out of the way gas station. A pain in the ass inconvenience, but I've yet to encounter a single stupid person there, so totally worth it!

[Daisy]

This really is an epidemic. Stupid people are everywhere, but even semi-decent people seem to lose it at gas stations. I don't know if it’s the fumes...but it is insane. I don't see it getting any better with the way gas prices are rising. Now people at gas stations are going to be stupid and pissed off...a combo I tried to avoid at all cost.

[Cool Lisa]

The Bitch is Back and she's fillin' up her tank. Watch out! I saw a tip in a magazine where you are supposed to fill up your tank in the morning and VERY SLOWLY. Well, it takes a good 15 minutes to fill up my tank. For some reason I get a lot of satisfaction just standing there letting the gas dribble into the tank of my very cool 2005 Mustang. But you know...it makes a huge difference in how long the gas lasts. Sorry cb.

[Twisting Ivy]

LMAO! People are not allowed to pump their own gas in the city I live in either. But I think it's absolutely because otherwise we'd have instances of Dumbass Toyota Man everyday if we didn't have that law.

I can't imagine how you lasted as long as you did at that gas station. And I'm sure you needed a very large shot of vodka after. =)

[sista]

LOL..Idiots are everywhere, exceptionally more in supermarkets and gas station when you have to wait in line.I guess it was just not your lucky day.

[Dawn]

Just move here to Minnesota. All you need to get a conceiled gun permit is to take a gun safety class. LMAO