MONEY IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD

For the first 14 years of my adult life, I lived on a journalist's salary - which is slightly more than what the homeless guy who offers to wash your windows makes - although the homeless guy doesn't have to pay taxes and doesn't have to worry about buying things like soap, so it probably worked out to be about the same.

At the time, I didn't know any better. Like starving artists (although I always managed to find money for the barbecue rib delivery guy, go figure) I felt I was suffering for a good cause - to help stick it to the man. Who was the man, exactly? Anyone who had more money than I did, of course.

Fourteen years of journalism taught me some valuable lessons - like which grocery stores let you write a check for over the amount of your purchase, and exactly how long it would take them to cash that check. I also learned that if you send your power bill to the phone company, and the phone bill to the power company, you can buy yourself at least a week or two while they try to figure it all out. And I now know that Top Ramen can, indeed, sustain life for more than a month, although at about the 6 week mark you start to develop Scurvy.

Then, about three years ago, I made a revelation which rocked the very foundation of my belief system:

Money can be really cool.

Really, REALLY cool.

This revelation came when I gave up journalism to be a corporate whore. Turns out that working for the man pays a lot more than sticking it to him. All of a sudden, I didn't have to settle for no-name bathroom tissue that felt like I was wiping my ass with a rusty machete. I was introduced to food that didn't come in a can, and was able to buy underwear that hadn't been used before.

All of these new-found luxuries have not made me a horrible person - as I often thought people who had money were. In fact, I find that being able to afford things puts me in a better mood because I don't have to re-use tampons anymore or raise gas money by donating blood three times a week (man - that shit will make you WOOZY). I can even afford to help my nieces with school now and then - which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Or at least as warm and fuzzy as someone like me can get.

But not everything is all single-use tampons and 4-ply Charmin. In fact, I've found that now that I am no longer digging loose change out of my couch in the hope I can afford to go to Taco Bell for dinner, people are treating me differently. It seems that as much as we have evolved over the years, people still have a lot of stereotypes and hang-ups about money - how much people have and how they use it.

First there's the assumption that people with more money should pick up the bill for people who don't have money - which to me is a cop out. I have a couple journalism friends that when I went out to lunch with them after getting my corporate whore job, automatically expected me to pay because I made more money. I stopped going out with them, as I felt they were just using me for the free club sandwiches. After all, even when I was starting campfires in my living room to save on the heating bill, I didn't expect anyone ELSE to pay my heating bill for me - or to give me firewood, for that matter. I recognized that was my responsibility - not anyone else's. I never thought I was entitled to someone else's money just because they had more of it.

Then there's the people who make you feel bad for being able to afford nice things. You may have heard I enjoy beautiful footwear. I don't do drugs, I don't go out clubbing, I don't buy expensive jewelry, and I don't have kids. But I *do* treat myself every once and awhile to a pair of Carlos Santanas or even Betsy Johnsons. I have my new shoes delivered to work because I don't trust the bitch-ass-ho-motherfucker neighbor women not to snag them off my front porch. But having them delivered to work made one woman at my office start telling everyone else how sorry she felt for my husband because I bought so many shoes.

I went to have a "chat" with her, explaining that I didn't appreciate her opinions about the state of my marriage based on my retail purchases, which quite frankly, was none of her fucking business. I also pointed out that I worked hard to get where I was in life, and could buy whatever the fuck I wanted to with my own money and without my husband's permission - just like he could buy whatever the fuck he wanted without my permission. I also think I told her I was going to punch her in the face, but then she peed her pants, so I felt I didn't have to follow through on that threat.

It amazes me how much sexism still surrounds money, as is evident by my co-worker's comment about pitying my husband because I buy shoes. If I was a professional man dropping $200 on golf every weekend, no one would bat an eye or say "I feel sorry for his wife." Yet I know women who have to call their husband to get permission to buy a pair of socks, or to go out to lunch with their friends, even though they work. I understand you need to make major financial decisions together - as a team - but when you have to okay every dime and nickel you spend with your spouse it becomes less about money and more about control. After all, I doubt these ladies' husbands are calling them for permission to buy a beer after work with their buddies.

Then there's also the assumption that wealthy people are assholes - an assumption I myself used to have. But over the years I have gotten to know several people who would be considered "wealthy" by some standards who are generous, hard-working and kind. I also know some wealthy people who are complete selfish dickwads - but then I know quite a few poor people who are selfish dickwads too. Being a dickwad has nothing to do with how much money you make, your social status, your race, your religion, or anything else for that matter. It just means you are a dickwad.

It just seems money is a four letter word. We don't teach our kids about it and are embarrassed to talk about it. Yet to know and understand money means having more control over your life and your future (not to mention your shoe wardrobe.) It is also fun to roll around naked in it - especially when you find a $20 in a forgotten crack a couple weeks later. SCORE!

So don't be ashamed of or wierded out by money. In fact, go ahead and like it - LOVE it even. I, for one, won't think any less of you. Especially if you buy me lunch. I'll have the lobster, by the way.

Comments

[HeyJoe]

Well said.

However, until I make more money I will still subscribe to the theory that monied people are dickwads. ;)

I think I need to sell my children.

[Becky]

Oh THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! As the wife of a doctor I am subjected to the stereotype. Ya know - the empty headed giggly woman who shops all day, has her toes done twice a week, and spends a lot of time bossing around the contractors who are remodeling her mansion. 'kay, I occasionally giggle, and a pedicure is really nice every once and a while. HOWEVER, I married The Man when he was still an undergrad, worked my BUTT off to get us through medical school with out starving to death - both literally and emotionally after all those long hours he put in. Stayed by his side and watched my friends go out to lunch while I went home to make a sandwich during 5 more years of residency. I moved a million miles away from "home" to be his friend and support staff while he paid back the Air Force for his scholarship. Now that the dues are paid - Pardon me if I feel like I've earned my cute shoes. That is all, I am done now.

[witchypoo]

Fabulous post!
Now, since you can afford it and all, where's that drink you promised me?

[Ree]

Bitch - this is so great. You've said it all, beautifully. I don't consider myself wealthy, but we're comfortable. I can support my family, even though my husband doesn't work outside the house. I don't live in a McMansion - I have a nice home and some land and I know that I can make my mortgage payments even if I don't have a job for a while.

I'd rather have a tuna melt, though. Thanks.

[Twisting Ivy]

Excellent post. =)

One day I myself hope to experience the joy of rolling in money naked, and finding forgotten 20's in mysterious places. lol!

[Eighty eight]

Welcome back...I love money, I spend it like its going out of style...and shoes, don't even get me started on shoes.

[Veronica]

As someone who is living hand to mouth (but still surviving very well) I totally miss the second income that allowed me to go out to lunch!

Also, YAY! You're back!

[Poppy Buxom]

Great post! I'm here because of Schmutzie's Five Star Friday blog. I know what you mean about the joys of having money after a long time of living on ramen noodles. In fact, I think I'll start a Cafepress shop and sell t-shirts that say "Don't hate me because I'm rich."

Wanna buy one?

[Memarie Lane]

In my house, it's my husband that has to ask permission. His name isn't even on the bank account. He gets paid, deposits the check directly into my account. I put gas in the car and such. Sometimes he'll ask me for money for things like breakfast and lunch, and I might hand him a buck or two.

[Kim]

Yay! Bitch is back!

I was married to a man that handed me a check (not the checkbook) to go to the grocery store. I also had an amount that I could not go over. I learned how to clip coupons, bargain shop, and persuade the clerk to let me write it for $20 over so I could have cash in my pocket, and still be under budget. I am no longer married to that man.

I believe in separate checking accounts for discretionary spending if you're involved with a partner who does not understand $100 shoes. I didn't understand his need for $200 baseball bats, but my theory was if the bills are paid, there's Patron in the cabinet, and the electricity is on, go for it. That man did not get that theory when it applied to my spending. I am no longer married to that man.

I am now not married, make decent money on my own, and just bought new shoes yesterday. My bills are paid and my feet are shod. It's a good day.

[Citronella]

The thing about the richest person paying it that it shouldn't come from the "poor" but from the "rich". When I eat with my engineer friends who make about 3 times my salary, I have no problem letting them pay if they offer. But if they don't, I pay for myself and have no problem with it either...

(unny thing, though, either it's France or just my family, but money is far from being taboo with my folks. It's not about loving it vs. thinking it's dirty, it's just that it's kind of hard to live without any so we don't pretend it doesn't exist... like we don't pretend we don't poop. And as my mum works in a hospital lab and is totally desensitized to the "gross" productions of the human body, we also have no problem talking about poop ;-)

[ie]

Love it! Leave it to you to break the *gasp* "we don't talk about that, dear (pat on the knee)".

I agree on the setting of money limits for big-ticket items, but damn, it sure is nice to have something extra to do with what you will. I will admit to being a bit hard-pressed when it comes to Christmas since we seem to just go and get whatever we want.

I too went through the relationship where I was told where to grocery shop for the exact items, no money for extras, etc. I am SO GLAD to not be there anymore (sorry for yelling but it is that important). It is totally a control issue and no one (man or woman) should have to put up with that.

I'm glad you're back! Missed ya.

[lceel]

Welcome back. Now just where was that crack you found the twenty?

[juneyor]

You know a place that delivers ribs?? now that is what you need to be writing about. although there is a pizza place by me that will deliver liquor with your pizza order. so I can't really complain all that much.

[Daisy]

So true. The dickwads are everywhere. It is also funny how people have so many opinions about what you should be doing with your money, but don't want to hear any opinions from anyone on what they should be doing with their money.