LET THEM EAT CAKE

This last week I've been repeatedly attacked by do-gooders who mistakenly think that because I used to be the editor for the local newspaper I actually give a shit about the community.

NEWSFLASH: I don't. If I could move, I would. Because this place is a hole. When I was editor, I was PAID to care. Those days are OVER. Now I can be a selfish capitalist pig. WOO HOO!

Yet the do-gooders continue to ask me to be on arts boards, city advisory groups, downtown revitalization committees. They want me to save the children, save the homeless, and save the whales, when I can't even save $10. Are they kidding?

I know I should give a shit - but quite frankly, I'm EXHAUSTED dealing with just the regular shit in my life - so much so that to get involved in OTHER people's shit would put me over the edge. Also, volunteering time for causes usually means you have to WORK WITH OTHER DO-GOODERS - people who like to hug, and sing songs, and think of people's FEELINGS. And who wants to do that in their SPARE TIME? For FREE?

I mean, where are they when I need THEM? How about they come over and do the shopping, and the laundry, and that report that needs to be done RIGHT NOW for the boss before the earth as we know it opens up and swallows us whole. Then, and only then, will I have the time to save the whales, or the lepers, or the hairless mole. Until then, leave me the fuck alone. I'm busy.

When the do-gooders ask you to volunteer time, or money, or in most cases - both - they also use two basic approaches - both of which piss me off.

First, there's the suck-up approach: "We really need a creative brilliant mind like yours to help us make a difference."

Get your nose out of my ass, jerk-off. You aren't fooling me. I *AM* creative and brilliant - that's true - but that's really not why you want me on your do-gooder list. What you're REALLY thinking is - "maybe we can get her to boil 800 hot dogs for our Spring fundraiser." But unless you want me to wipe my ass with every single wiener, which I will do, just for entertainment, the answer is "no."

The other approach is to make me feel guilty. This is a TOTAL waste of time as I don't feel guilty about ANYTHING - including the time I shoved a nun down the stairs. Bitch deserved it too - the way she was throwing holy water on me all the time. That STINGS!

These do-gooders who use guilt are usually frustrated when they try to make me feel bad about not helping the poor children, or the diseased people, or the endangered African water snake.

"But if you don't help, 8 million snakes could die."

"More shoes and handbags for me!"

"But don't you care about the poor children?"

"I don't care about the rich children - the ones that can I can extort money from - why would I care about the poor ones?"

"But you have to give back to the community."

"Tell you what, until the community does something for me besides raise my taxes and decrease my services, they can kiss my dimpled, lily white ass. Which smells like hot dogs."

I'm probably not a good person. I used to be. I used to volunteer, and join, and care, and all it got me was ANNOYED and STRESSED OUT because if you join one cause, all of a sudden everyone wants a piece of your ass. I tried to save the world in my 20s. I actually thought I could. Now, as I approach 40, I'm too tired to save anything but my sanity, and sometimes I doubt I can do that.

So my charity work is currently consisting of keeping my shit together. I think it's a noble cause. And at least I'm getting something out of it. I wonder if I can use it as a tax write-off ...

Comments

[Citronella]

Approach #2 makes me think of these people who tell you, when you are down and sad and depressed, that the kids dying of hunger in Ethiopia are doing worse than you. It's true. But then: and so what?

[witchypoo]

I used to do the hot dog thing for my younger son's school. All the other moms ate the hot dogs, but they learned they wouldn't even enjoy them after I detailed a list of what goes into them. I'm just little Mary Sunshine, I am.

[witchypoo]

Pee Ess: They called me the hot dog bitch behind my back.

[Marie]

As a poor person who would qualify for every type of assistance there is if I would only apply, I thank you. Not only am I sick of the phrase "in need," but I do not think such charities are doing anyone any favors. My husband makes minimum freaking wage. We support a family of four on minimum freaking wage, with no food stamps, no welfare, no WIC, no Medicaid, NADA. And we still have broadband, and we still get our car registered and buy our kids birthday presents. It's about budgeting, people. If all these charities and government programs would just lay off, poor people everywhere would be forced to learn how to budget their money. Oh noes! Perhaps what we really need for the po' folks is money managers.

[lceel]

I'm still stuck on the phrase "dimpled, lilly white ass". I'm going to have visualization problems all day. Especially when it gets to be lunchtime. And they start cooking the hot dogs.

[Ree]

VINTAGE CookieBitch. I love it.

[Daisy]

Never knew you had such negative opinions about your town. What happened to shaking hands and kissing babies?

I've learned that someone will always ask you to be on this committee or help with that fundraiser. You have got to say no or it will take over you life and wallet. Elementary school alone will suck you dry if you let it. Never mind work, the city, the county and the state.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Are we still saving whales? You mean that booth I manned at the school craft show in 5th grade didn't do the trick?

[melanie]

I love this post.

i wouldn't push a nun down stairs, but hey... I am way too stressed to deal.

[Marie]

BTW wanted to say I love your title choice. I once saw a cake shop called "let them eat cake" and I thought, "hmmm, do they not know where that quote came from?" LOL

[Kim]

Please ignore my request for a donation to Save the Shoes.

[Miss J]

"Tell you what, until the community does something for me besides raise my taxes and decrease my services, they can kiss my dimpled, lily white ass."

Oh, mercy. Got any room for MY ass on that hobbyhorse? I couldn't agree more. The closest I get to community service these days is to point and laugh when government officials get caught and publicly humiliated for embezzling, driving drunk, or downloading kiddie porn. I just wish somebody would do all three at the same time, that would be extra funny.

[HeyJoe]

"...they can kiss my dimpled, lily white ass. Which smells like hot dogs."

Priceless. And I'd pay good money to see you wipe your ass with wieners; great money for pictures of it.

THE BITCH IS BACK and I'm frightened.

[zoe]

umm. so i'm guessing you don't want to help me at the pto carnival next week? or walk with me in the march of dimes walk....no? i won't wear my crocs.

[Julie]

oh but you are a good person. You make lots of people laugh everyday!!!!!