HOW NOT TO GET PROMOTED

There are a number of disturbing behaviors in the work place that makes me seriously think that people are indeed as dumb as they look. These behaviors also make me wonder why more people are not unemployed and homeless.

It's a wonder businesses can get anything done at all, with all the lazy ass dumb fucks out there. There seems to be more and more lazy ass dumb fucks in the world too, proving that stupidity may just be a contagious disease. I think I may start wearing a Hazmat suit outside of the house, just in case.

When did people get so confused by the concept that work requires a certain amount of professionalism - a certain amount of decorum - a certain amount of actual WORK - that is different from your personal life?

For example, at my job, we have an open area with couches and chairs for people to sit on during their break. They can read a book, chat with coworkers, or just stare out the window and fantasize about how they would love to put their boss's face in the office shredder.

But some people have taken this privilege too far, deciding to make this area their personal bedroom. One girl (and I use the term girl instead of woman as a reference to her IQ, not age) stretches out on one of the couches twice a day with a Strawberry Shortcake blanket and takes a nap. The blanket is fuzzy. And bright pink. And I want to rip it off of her and burn it in a fiery blaze of glory as she watches and - hopefully - screams in distress.

I mean, how are you supposed to be taken seriously when your boss sees you curled up asleep under a Strawberry Shortcake blanket? What message are you sending other than you are lazy, possibly hungover, and won't grow the fuck up? Why don't you just skip around the office with pigtails and a lollipop while you're at it? Cause that's how fucking stupid you look, honey.

Another woman chooses to nap upright in a chair, which I suppose would be an improvement over Strawberry Shortcake girl if she wasn't snoring like a freight train with a coke problem. She typically puts her coat over her head to block out the fluorescent lights and muffle the sound - although a pillow pressed firmly to her face for 10 minutes may do a better job. Her coat has fake, mangy fur on it, so she looks like an ugly wild animal has hibernated there. The sound emitting from her suggests that the wild animal may also be mating with a Yettie.

Again, when her boss is getting ready to promote someone in the department, I doubt that the memory of her snorting so loud the office walls vibrate will be a trait that puts her on the short list. However, it may be a trait that lands her on the short bus.

Then there is the guy who takes off his shoes every lunch hour and stretches out on the couch to snooze. Put your fucking shoes back on, moron. Your sweaty, stinky feet are making other people's eyebrows singe off and ruining everyone's appetite. This is not your living room, for godsake! What if a client comes into the office and sees you? I'm sure they will feel comfortable knowing that a total moron with smelly feet and no ability to stay conscious is working so hard for them.

I mean where do you draw the line? Why not take your shirt and pants off too - or bring some fuzzy slippers and pajama pants to change into? Maybe it would help you sleep more soundly if you had a teddy bear to cuddle up with. Should we set an alarm for you? And what happens if you talk in your sleep about how you REALLY feel about your boss or your coworker? Not to mention the danger of having a really good sex dream that has you moaning and sporting wood for all your coworkers to see. I don't need to see Buster busting out of your $100 suit pants, buddy. Put that shit away.

I've known reporters who used to sleep under their desk. Of course, since most journalists are a little nuts, and a little drunk, this seemed a little more acceptable. But in the corporate world, it is hard to justify why you are on the payroll when you can't even stay awake for a full 8 hours.

It is also hard to justify why you are on the payroll when you spend more time bitching, moaning and crying about every little fucking thing rather than actually DOING something. I mean, MY GOD ... in the time it took you to complain about how long that report was going to take you I could have finished it and had a martini by now. No one wants to hear about how much work you have to do when you aren't actually DOING any of it!

Also, just like in baseball, there should be no crying in the work place. If you are that emotionally unstable that running out of manila folders sends you into a mental tailspin, you need to check yourself in somewhere where all you have to worry about is finger painting for awhile.

And please, for your own privacy and the sanity of others, be aware that people can hear you when you have personal phone conversations at work. They probably don't need to hear you swearing at your kids, fighting with your spouse, gossiping about how hot the man was that you boned last weekend, or talking about the mysterious rash that showed up on your hoo-haw. Again, these are not things that will get your promoted or even keep you employed.

I mean, do I really have to tell you that talking about your hoo-haw and bitching all the time is inappropriate behavior at work? Are you really that stupid? If you want to do shit like that, do it on your own time. Or get a blog ... like me.

Comments

[witchypoo]

I guess this means free boobin at work is out now, huh?
*hiding bunny slippers*

[juneyor]

Don't worry you are NOT the only one who has to work with what I call "them" but the difference is the "them" I work with are all surfer's. (i work a block from the beach, but I pay out the ass to live out here) So instead of sleeping they like to come in from the beach half dressed covered in sand and walk through the factory tracking it all the way through. even though the shower is outside the building. so not only are the floors covered in a thin layer of sand and water but everything here is sensitive electronic equipment. and they wonder why half of our stuff doesn't work.

[Julie]

I used to work a split shift at a daycare for special needs children for about 10 years. I would go in at 5:30am and work until 8:30 am. Then work again at 12:00Pm until 5:00 P.m I lived to far away to drive home during the break so I would sleep on the couch in our break room. I even brought an alarm clock, however I did not have a strawberry short cake blanket. I could not imagine doing this at my new job or on company paid time. ( I was not paid during my break. But I did get paid an extra $3 an hour for doing it.)

[Candy]

I could use a good nap. Is your firm hiring?

[ie]

Years ago (ugh, that makes me sound old) I had a coworker who was moonlighting as a poker dealer for this high-end once-a-year championship. She told us all that she would be making X-trillion dollars for working this gig.

And then proceeds to tell me that I have to be her personal alarm clock because she has to sleep during her lunch!

Stupid me went along with it (although with a very bad attitude) and then we had a fight because she wants to know why I don't want to "help" her out.

ARrrrrgggh.

[tigerlilly]

How fucking annoying. I don't even work there

But honestly, they're just doing what they are allowed to get away with. Give most people an inch and they'll take here to the next galaxy.

Your company should be all over that shit like a bad rash. Seriously, if they don't put a stop to it, why should the lazy fucks stop doing it? These "employees" sound exactly like those bad bad BAD children you see running around stores acting like heathens and all mommy is doing about it is saying, Stop. I said stop. If you don't stop.......I'm going to count to 3.......you just wait till your father gets home.......do you want a toy? then you better straighten up and act right.........
What. The. Fuck. Ever.
Bust that kids ass, (and I mean HARD), enjoy it, and know that it's for their own good.

Same goes for employess that pull the kind of shit they are pulling: ban the behavior, enforce it with a zero tolerance policy and fire the fuck out of any asshole who dares to defy authority.

It's that simple. Cookie, you should call this behavior to the attention of whoever is in charge of your workplace policies. If I was a client and walked in and saw anything even remotely close to that kind of shit going on, I'd turn on my heel, walk out, demand a refund for all unfinished accounts, and take my business elsewhere. No excuse for that kind of shit in ANY workplace, regardless of how casual, much less anything corporate.

[jenny]

you seriously took the words right out of my mouth. i might print this and hang it in my office. :)

[Veronica]

Well said.

*thanks god she doesn't work at the moment*

[HeyJoe]

Yes I recall there being an inordinate amount of "sleepers" at Smurfville.

Need I remind you that my first memory of YOU is you lying on one of those infamous couches chatting on your cell phone? While your boss walked past.

Look at you now.

Are you SURE that’s not the way to be promoted?

[Daisy]

Ahhhh...good old Smurfville!

Ha to Joe...I do recall him sleeping and I think he may have been having a sex dream on the couch too.

If Tigerlilly only knew about 'those in charge of workplace policies'...I feel another blog coming on.