THE QUEST FOR THE PERFECT DRESS

I have a couple of good friends getting married soon, and it got me thinking about my own wedding - which was just more than three years ago. It had a tequila theme, by the way. People were served margaritas BEFORE the ceremony, which took all of 5 minutes. And most of the disposable cameras at the tables, when developed, had pictures of boobs on them. I'm proud to say I recognized most of the boobs - some of them being my own.

Obviously, I wasn't a traditional bride. But let me just say - my wedding was definitely NOT boring. And I'm happy to report, the puking was kept to a minimum.

One of the most memorable parts PRIOR to the wedding was finding my wedding dress - something every bride dreams about, unless of course, they are me. I commemorated this occasion with a newspaper column about my non-traditional quest for the perfect dress.

Today, I resurrect that column for several reasons. One - I'm lazy. Two - I have writers block. And three - I like the memories this column brings with it. So here it is ... I hope you enjoy it. And if you don't, try drinking a margarita. I'm funnier if you are hammered.

XXX

There is a land out there very few single people know about, and I didn't even think about until I was forced to go there against my will.

It's called The Land of the Poofy Dresses, and it's a very scary place.

In this land, people cry for no apparent reason, you automatically gain two dress sizes, and hoop skirts haunt you wherever you go.

I went wedding dress shopping. I did so because my mom was never able to go wedding dress shopping with my sister and I thought it would be nice if all of us - my mom, sister, nieces, best friend and I - could share a special moment. Besides, I was terrified of the thought of going dress shopping alone.

The problem is, I'm not Scarlett O'Hara, who wore a dress roughly the size of the state of Oklahoma that she made out of curtains in "Gone With the Wind." I think I'm pretty fashionable, but I don't think that bigger is necessarily better - especially when it comes to accentuating my ass with a bow or layers of ruffles or taffeta. My wedding theme is also based on tequila, which pretty much tells you I need a dress that I can be mobile in and that is washable.

I also have this naive dream that I can get married without going broke.

I wanted something simple, elegant - no poof, no hoops, no train.

No dice.

In the Land of the Poofy Dresses, there is no place for my silly ideas.

Our first stop was David's Bridal, where a "wedding consultant" made me fill out paperwork before I was allowed to try on anything. Was I getting a mortgage or buying a dress?

The consultant then asked me what my normal pants size was. I was pretty excited to tell her because I'd recently lost 30 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. But my self esteem immediately plummeted when she announced that wedding dresses typically run two sizes smaller than normal. You would think that of all days, you would be able to feel thin on your wedding day.

She then released me into a sea of white dresses hanging in protective plastic sheaths, waiting for their bride to release them. I panicked.

They all looked the same to me. They also scared me. They were so ENORMOUS. How could I walk in these? How could I even put them on? I would be smothered! What was the purpose of all that material, anyway? I started hyperventilating.

Luckily, my best friend had packed a flask in her purse for an emergency such as this. She pulled me in between the rows of white beasts and I guzzled liberally.

Feeling a little better, I staggered into the open, looking disoriented. The consultant had told me to pick three dresses. I chose some that weren't quite the size of a football stadium - just to have it done with. God, just let me survive this so I could go to a bar.

The consultant then locked me into a room with a corset and a hoop skirt, at which time I snapped. I tossed the hoop skirt over the side of the door and told her to get it away from me or I would set it on fire. She thought I was kidding until I started screaming for matches. I almost did the same with the corset, until I realized it may make me squeeze into a smaller size. I may not be a very good bride, but I'm still vain.

All three dresses made me feel like I was wearing a couch. An ugly couch. I had to have help waddling out of the dressing room in them to show my family and friend, who tried to suppress chuckles when they saw the look of agony on my face. Then I realized the dresses cost upwards of $1,000 each. "Are you sure they don't come with a big screen TV?" I asked the consultant. She didn't like me, I think.

At one point I caught a glimpse of a bride around the corner from me. She was in a huge tent-like gown with sleeves that stood up at least two feet past her shoulders. She was crying, as were her mother and friend. At first I thought she felt my pain, but I was mistaken. These were tears of joy.

"It's perfect," the mother sobbed.

"I feel like a princess," the bride howled.

I was confused. All this about a dress? And a fugly one at that? I didn't understand. Was I not a real woman because taffeta didn't move me to tears? What was wrong with me?

We went to other stores that promised choices of less traditional gowns. But all were big, poofy, or didn't fit because they were made for Sheena, Queen of the Stick People. I had store clerks actually laugh at me when I told them I wanted to spend less than $300.

Some looked at me with pity after announcing that "everyone" knows you need to order your dress six months ahead of time, and I had waited to long. One clerk even had the nerve to tell me I must not really want to get married, because I certainly didn't act like I wanted to. The thing is, I DID want to get married, I just didn't want to look like an idiot while doing it!

To all of these clerks, I offer a piece of advice - don't mess with a tired, grumpy bride. We will strangle you with our hoop skirt.

I did find a dress the second day of the ordeal. It was in the special occasion department of Nordstrom's and was in my budget. It does not require a hoop skirt, and I didn't cry when I tried it on. I do, however, feel like a princess in it.

Comments

[witchypoo]

I'm feeling you. But, no picture of the little dress that did?

[tigerlilly]

Hi my name is Tigerlilly, and I am a hopeless-romantic-with-unrealistic-visons-wedding-junkie. Honest to God, my ideal wedding would have been a replica of Steel Magnolias. Ok, different brides maids dresses, because, hell-to-the-mf'ing-no. But anyway. It wasn't to be.
I never got to go wedding shopping. My wedding was planned on short notice with an even shorter budget. I wore the dress my sister got married in.
It was outdated and out of style, with short sleeves and was designed for an exceptionally formal summer evening wedding (read a metric ton of sequins, pearls and crystals).
Due to the lack of money for a nice venue, we got married during the early afternoon in the middle of winter in the gazebo at the park- cause it was FREE and we were BROKE. The closest we got to getting married in a church was shreiking GODDAMNIT!!!! like 42,000 times a day because there was yet something else to shell out money for.
Oh, my sister also got divorced less than 2 years after waltzing down the isle to "Here Comes the Cloud".
So my dress was used, event inappropriate, out of style, out of season, and cursed.
**sigh**

I actually had money put aside to have my hair done though, because come hell or high water I was having that "Shelby do. I showed the girls the picture and oh yes-yes we can do that no worries!
Well, I looked like Shelby alright--at the time of the movie that she was having the seizure in the beauty shop!! Because even though I showed them a picture of Julia Roberts in that movie, they were apparently looking at Mad Magazine, because my head looked curiously a lot like Alfred E. Newmans (or whatever the hell his name is).

So, I had a cheesy cheap unfortunate kind of wedding. However, I had a FUCKING AWESOME reception that people still mention from time to time 5 years later.

Cheers!

PS Apologies Cookie for going on and on and on and..............

[Veronica]

See? I swear, I will get married nude before I wear a big poofy dress.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Have you read Hypocrite in A White Pouffy Dress yet? It's by Susan Jane Gilman and is hysterical. She has a chapter on shopping for the wedding dress. The professional lesbian chapter was even funnier.

[Ree]

I could kick myself for not going by myself to find my wedding dress for Practice. It was sooo damned fugly.

My second wedding dress was a beautiful shade of green.

[Marie]

It may or may not surprise you to know that I got married in jeans, a red t-shirt that said "Y-Not?" A black belt with red flames, Harley boots, a sparkly white cardigan with a feathery collar, and a tiara. At my brother's wedding I had to wear a tuxedo, and he madde me wear a skirt with it! Ugh.

[lceel]

Did you really say 'ass' and 'fugly' in your newspaper column?

[Kim]

I tried on an $800 dress that I SWEAR weighed 20 pounds. The skirt belled out at my hips and there was so much tulle gathered there it made little shelves on which I could have served cocktails at my reception. I, too, found an $80 dress at JCPenney in the prom dress section. Very simple, elegant, slimming, and lovely. I spent $100 on my shoes, and I wore them for a few years after the wedding. Priorities, people!

[ie]

Do we get to see pics of your dress?

I didn't go all poufy on my dress (it was, after all, a courthouse wedding) (which, come to think of it, should have been pre-celebrated with martinis) but omg I had to do the whole David's Bridal shop from hell for a maid of honor dress. My only instructions from The Bride was that the color was to be cinammon (yeah thanks, i'm blondish/blue eyes, the rest of the party was warm-skinned Latina). ALL of the dresses were horrifying. I ended up overspending AND with matching cinnamon ballet flats. Like I can wear that get-up ever again (what does one do with such an outfit? wait for a zombie Halloween invite?)

[melanie]

I almost got married once. and found the perfect dress at Neiman's. No hoop necessary, and despite my discount it was still close to 1500... yikes.

i broke it off. but it wasn't because I didn't feel like a princess. he didn't feel like I was one. ;-)

[HeyJoe]

The whole wedding industry is a freakin' sham to make people feel like they're short-changing themselves if they don't spend a king's ransom. Good for you for pissing on tradition.

[Daisy]

I go back and forth between wanting the extravaganza and wanting to use the money towards something that will last longer than four hours.

[zoe]

i loved my dress. it was the first one i tried on and it was CHEAP. Cheap do you hear me! i was prepared to spend major dough...but no need. Cheap.

[The Super Bongo]

I wore black.

[Kath]

When my sister had her 4th (yes, 4th) wedding, she got married in a tank top dress from Target that cost $14. Came in handy cause she had a 'tequila/margarita/whiskey/and everything other kinda booze' you can think of wedding.

I plan to do the same if I ever get married again.

[melissa]

my first wedding, i wore a beautiful, traditional wedding dress...that i needed two people to hold up when i had to pee...every stinking time that i had to pee...and when i'm nervous...i go a lot!
my second wedding...i wore a beautiful sundress with this thing that goes over it to dress it up...it was stunning, non-traditional wedding-ish...and, i could go to the bathroom in private!!