First there was a study of 20 women that concluded some can't have vaginal orgasms because they have no G-spot - a finding that I am convinced is a conspiracy by men so they don't have to try that hard to find them.
Now there is a study that concludes that if you are spanked or disciplined as a child, you will grow up to be a whore.
"Children who are spanked or given some form of physical punishment by their parents may be more likely to have sexual problems as adults," the study found. "Spanked children also are more likely to be physically or verbally coercing to a sexual partner and engage in masochistic sex, including arousal by spanking, later in life."
I was spanked when I was a child - although not often because as we've discussed in past posts, I'm very close to perfection. But I remember having my hand slapped when I tried to reach for the tequila bottle as a toddler, and being put over a knee when I threw out my mother's clogs because they were just too fucking ugly. I never remember being physically HURT by these spankings or slappings however - although it did hurt my FEELINGS - which I think was the point. This was the consequence for bad behavior (altho I stand by the clog incident - I was doing mom a favor) and because I wanted to avoid being spanked or slapped again, I didn't do it again.
While I did exhibit some whorishness as a single woman, I have had under 10 sexual partners in my entire life and now am a monogamous married lady, whose risky sexual behavior includes having sex in the living room on occasion. However, I do like a nice ass-slap now and then, and think this is perfectly acceptable, if I can slap his ass back. I'm an equal-opportunity masochist, you see.
But I hardly think this means I have sexual problems. In fact, I think the sex I have is pretty damned good, if I do say so myself. So much so, that the cats often watch us in amazement, and I think would clap their paws together at the end, if they could. But I digress ...
So I decided to put on my white lab coat and conduct my own "research" - which basically means I asked a bunch of my friends if they were spanked, and what kind of kinky, whorish things they did in their lives. Any excuse to pry, I say.
The following is the result of my research:
RESEARCH SUBJECT #1: "I was spanked as a child too, but very rarely, because I was a really good kid. I had sex in an outside swimming pool at the hotel where I worked (it was closed for the summer), and was caught by the pool man. The pool man was embarrassed, I couldn't stop laughing. I also had sex in my parent's bed once, and in the garage. But that was all very long ago. I am very sexually repressed, to be honest. My sister was spanked a lot more than me, and she is a whooooooooooooore. And I mean that in the nicest possible way."
Maybe the reason her sister is a whore is because she is just a bad seed in general, which is something this study never goes into. I mean, if you are a little shit, prompting your parents to have to discipline you more, there is a chance you'll just grow up to be a big shit, right, and indulge in risky behaviors? Maybe you are just fucked up in general, and spanking has nothing to do with it. And I mean THAT in the nicest possible way, too.
So I approached RESEARCH SUBJECT #1 with this theory.
"Nah, she wasn't a bad kid. She did have a lot of hang-ups though," #1 said. "She didn't turn bad until she discovered Bon Jovi."
She explained further that Bon Jovi was just the beginning. He quickly became too soft for her as she moved on to heavier stuff and began to dress like Axl Rose.
So really, it had nothing to do with spanking. Rock and roll and big 80s hair made her a whore.
RESEARCH SUBJECT #2: "I had to sit in THE CHAIR more often than I was spanked. I can honestly say that rocking chairs do not make me hot and gooey."
Funny, La-Z-Boy recliners get me pretty hot - and I didn't have such a punishment chair when I was a child. I have no idea what that has to do with my research, though. I just wanted to share.
RESEARCH SUBJECT #3: "I got spanked. More often, though, I got grounded. Which, really? Made no difference to me, I enjoyed my own company just fine. I've only had seven sexual partners, but with one - the cops did chase us off of the grounds of a very famous person's front lawn just as the boyfriend was climaxing. The famous person didn't live there anymore. And, I still do like being spanked every once in a while."
Again, this seems to contradict the "official" study. Although I really would like to know whose front lawn they had sex on - you know, for SCIENCE. Pictures may be nice too.
RESEARCH SUBJECT #4: "I was spanked, and was a whore as well. Being grounded didn't affect my whorishness, because it didn't really start until after my first marriage. Now, it's just a pleasant memory."
Good for you, I say. Gotta have some fun while you can. Life's too short to be a virgin and to wear bad shoes.
This also brings up another point about the "official" study ... they make it sound like being a whore is a BAD thing. Which, as you can clearly see from MY research, isn't true. Being a whore can be very satisfying. In fact, in my case more sex makes me less violent.
And finally - I saved the strongest piece of evidence for last:
RESEARCH SUBJECT #5: "I was never spanked. Never grounded. Never disciplined at all. I was a complete whore."
So there you have it. Based on this research I am writing a paper for the American Journal of Science that says the following: "People are whores. Whoring is fun. Spanking can also be fun. Especially if you do it while bent over a La-Z-Boy while listening to Bon Jovi as cats watch you."
Why I haven't won the Nobel Peace Prize yet is beyond me.