... OF THE WEEK

HUMILIATION ...

I had spent the day doing errands and shopping, which included a stop at the MAC make-up counter to have an employee there try three different concealers on my face, explaining the virtues of each.

It was a bright and sunny afternoon that makes Northern Californians realize why they pay so fucking much to live here. The money we save on down jackets, snow boots, and thermal underwear only begins to make up for the high cost of living - but the fact we can go shopping in our shirtsleeves in February really is priceless.

For a grumpy bitch, I was actually quite perky. A good song was blasting on the radio - "I Can't Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar - and I was singing along to it as I sped along. I had just purchased a $100 pair of Carlos Santana shoes for $21 on the Macy's clearance rack. Life was good. Hell - dare I say life was GREAT.

At a stop light, I turned the rear view mirror on my reflection to apply fresh lipstick. It was then that my perfect afternoon was shattered.

There, glistening in the sun, waving in the California breeze, was a 3-inch long blond hair - sticking out of my CHIN.

OMFG.

At first, I thought it was just a stray from my head that had floated down, detached from my face. But as I tried to shoo it away, I saw it straining at the skin follicles underneath my chin. It was attached. And it was HUGE.

Now I could relate to what those damned pigs in the children's story meant when they said "Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin." Because, by god - I had such a hair. I was a hairy-chinned, horrible pig-monster. Shoot me now.

How could I have missed this hair, which obviously had been growing for awhile to have achieved this length? My god - it was long enough to curl and put a ribbon in.

And then another horrible thought crossed my mind. How could the make-up woman at MAC have missed it? I'm sure she didn't - it was EVERYWHERE. Maybe she wanted to say something, but MAC had not come out with a hairy-chinned remedy yet for her to recommend. Or maybe she was scared of it. Or maybe she was at MAC right now telling all her coworkers about the bearded lady that came in looking for concealer - and how NOTHING could conceal the GIANT whisker which had obviously been growing since Britney Spears was still sane.

Most importantly, what did this long, flowing chin hair say about me, and what was in store for me as I continued to march toward the inevitable time of my life where I had to shave more than my legs and armpits and probably wear Depends and orthopedic shoes? Or would I reach a point where my chin hair grew so fast I would have to give up shaving all together and simply gather it into a pretty pony-tail of some sort? Maybe I could comb it over to hide the crows feet on my face or grow it long enough to cover the cellulite on my thighs.

I rushed home, took out the lawn sheers, and whacked the fucker off. My chin is now pristine again, but the memory of that hair remains. Because where one has grown - and dare I say FLOURISHED - more are soon to follow. Just one more sign that my youth is passing, and a hairy, painful old age is just around the corner.

SHOE ...

In light of my recent humiliation, I needed something pretty, youthful and VIBRANT to look at this week. Thanks to frequent Cookiebitch reader Kathy, who sent me a link to Nordstrom's new flock of bold printed fabric shoes, I was able to cheer myself up by drooling over all sorts of fabulous and fun patterns.

My favorite is this fabulous Pura Lopez 'L481' pump - available in a vibrant yellow or red print - for $245. Or, for something a little more casual, but equally as graphic and bold, there's a comparable wedge sling-back with the same print - but on the heel. My favorite shoe designer, Carlos Santana, also has a line of gorgeous graphic wedges you can find here for less than $100 each.

Spring this year is all about blocks of color and graphic, bold patterns. It's enough to take any boring, old outfit, and give it new life and youthful energy. Even a stray chin hair can't keep a woman down if she is wearing one of these peppy prints! Check them out whenever you need a boost.

Comments

[witchypoo]

Best to pluck the chinny hair, dear.
Otherwise it'll grow back, and bring its friends. Take heart, they are always very light coloured on the fair complected.

[Veronica]

When I was a kid (shhh and listen) my friend had a hair that grew to be about 2 inches long on her cheek. The kicker? It wasn't there one day and was there the next, I know because I was staying at her house.

It was probably a super fast super hair and now it is dead.

*sniff*

At least it was blond?

[Gypsy]

OMG that was hilarious. Over from Ree's and just wanted to say thanks for the laugh before I read her guest post. I have dark hair and I also get one lonely little hair sticking out of my chin from time to time. My eye sight is bad so I'm always getting the kids to check to see if it's back. It's incredible....it always grows overnight and is about 1/2" long straight away. Fantastic story, you're a very funny lady.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Doesn't middle age suck?

[tigerlilly]

Not always witchypoo--ask my fellow PCOS sufferers. I'm fair skinned and mine grow in dark. None of us cysters leave the house without a backup pair of tweezers because those little bastards grow fast and furious and are often dark (with rage? I can only assume.)

If only the hair on my head would grow as fast; then I could get past this hair cut that is far less flattering on me than it was in that hairstyle magazine.

Cheers!

[Amy Castellano]

I just found you through Zoe, you are hilarious...love this..and so glad to know I'm not the only one with stray chin hairs..LOL..

[Kelley]

*swoon* at those shoes. I am all a flutter (get it butterfly???? From Hots post? get it??? Oh, whatever, it was funny in my head)

The other day I paid for the pain of a zygote ripping the hair out of my eyebrows. I inquired whether I need to have my lady mo done. She LIFTED UP MY FUCKING CHEEK and said no.

Oh the humiliation. Now I just walk around with a strong fan blowing directly on my face like a dog out the passenger side window.....

[Cool Lisa]

BTW.....I keep tweezers now in my car. For some reason the light is so much better in there.

[aaryn b.]

A friend of mine just sent me your URL knowing I'd love it. And I do. Fuckin' great. And I just thought I'd tell you my experience with the ponytailable chin whisker.

Mine appeared, just like yours did, one day in my rear view mirror. It actually wasn't any old day, it was my 30th birthday. And my whisker wasn't blonde, it was black. It was approximately 3 feet long and daaaark. I saw it in the mirror but actually felt it tickling my chest as I drove to work one morning, blowing in the breeze as it was.

Anyhow, I plucked that motherfucker with gnarled fingers while driving 80 down the I-5. Since that time----7 years ago---no other hairs have joined it. That's the good news. The bad news is, that one just seems to come back over and over and over. And even once I've eradicated the evil doer, it seems there is generally a secondary whisker that likes to show up within a couple of days.

Vigilance is key. That, great shoes, and always having the fixings for a strong martini on hand.

Stay strong.
Stay on your guard.

[aaryn b.]

Oh, and P.S.?
You're looking sorta like you stepped out of the Aphex Twin video, Windowlicker:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1P3Wc-37pC4

[Tanya]

I have had one in my cheek. I pulled it out and never saw it again. A few weeks ago I had one on the side of my stomach. I pulled it and haven't seen that one either. Weird.

[Marie]

Carlos Santana does shoes???

I have a hair like that too, except it grows out of a mole and is black. Ew.

[Daisy]

HAHAHAHAHA! I think you need to start filming yourself...I need to see this shit.

How come I wasn't invited to this MAC and shoe extravaganza?

Those shoes are ugly.

[Miss J]

You are not alone. I have olive skin and dark curly hair on my head, and also two pesky (black) chin whiskers. I'm 41 years old, and these things do happen. *sigh* I look for them every morning, and if I see them, I pluck and forget. What mystifies me is the lone straight, light brown hair that keeps sprouting under my right cheekbone. I hardly ever know it's there until it gets really long, because it's fine, and almost the same color as my face, like it's hiding from me to avoid the fate of the chinny chin chin hairs.
Bastard. I'm going to go look for it right NOW.

[The Super Bongo]

Several years ago, I took a photo in Marie Laveau's . . . the voodoo shop. The people inside immediately freaked out. And, apparently cursed me . . . because a week later . . . I found a long black hair growing from my nose.

I feel your pain. It took offerings to the gods to get the hair from growing back.

[HeyJoe]

At least it wasn't growing out of your ass. Joke in there somewhere....

[the weirdgirl]

I get those. My husband calls them "mutant hairs". And yeah, they are always blond and 2-3 inches by the time they are noticed (usually by him). He'll go on at length about how could I not notice it floating in the wind?

I hate those fucking hairs.

[Kim]

I've a rogue black hair growing straight out of the bottom of my chin since I was about 15 (I'm almost 40). It's like an eyebrow that got lost. Every 2-3 weeks I yank it out.

Ah, spring shoes. I looooove spring shoes.

[lceel]

Boys are always told, "Don't do that, you'll go blind." But they forget to tell the girls, "Don't do that, you'll grow hair on your chin."

[rebecca]

oh that's tough... if i had a chin hair i would probably freak out and go to those places where they zap the hair to make sure it doesnt come back!

[Kath]

Get outta my mind, CB!

I had a most realistic dream that the chin hair thing happened to me. Seriously realistic.

Glad you liked the shoes :-)

[zoe]

dear god. go get some laser hair removal. actually sephora sells a little gadget that burns the hair off for around $200'ish. i just get waxed on a real regular basis...i'm a freak about facial hair...and midgets.