MY APOLOGIES TO THE COWS

My sister and I are very, very different people.

She likes cowboy boots. I like stilettos.

She always wanted kids, I always wanted midgets.

Her idea of a fun day is horseback riding in the hills. My idea of a fun day is a bottle of tequila and strippers.

In short, she's a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock and roll.

It is amazing we still are as close as we are, really, considering we have nothing in common - except of course our ability to laugh at dumbasses. Luckily there are so many dumbasses, we never run out of things to say.

Still, I wonder how one set of parents could have two daughters that are seemingly from different planets.

At a recent barbecue at my sister's house, I had to keep myself from stabbing myself with a fork after 2 hours of conversation that revolved around TRACTORS. I mean - how much can you fucking say about farm machinery? And WHY DOES IT MATTER? At the same barbecue, people took turns playing horseshoes as I looked on wondering what the hell a horse needed a shoe for in the first place, and why they would choose to wear ones that were so incredibly UGLY. Also, why in god's name would you THROW them? They better not get any ideas about my strappy sandals, or there would be hell to pay, I thought.

Similarly, when I started talking about the new Nordstrom spring line, my sister's eyes glazed over and I could swear I heard her snoring. I also heard her snickering as I toddled my way around her property (when your yard is the same size as the state of Montana, it officially becomes "property") on 4 inch heels. Between sinking into the grass and avoiding cow pies and dog shit, I looked like I was having a seizure.

I was also almost out of booze. But because my sister chooses to live in not just the Middle Of Fucking Nowhere - but also on the edge of Where In God's Holy Hell Are We, I knew it would take me at least three hours, and possibly a dog team, to get anywhere close to civilization for supplies. Seriously, Survivorman should film an episode where my sister lives.

Still, she is happy here - with all this space. She fixes fences, chops wood, feeds horses, wrangles cows -which is why she is in such great shape for a woman in her 50s. I order take-out, buy shoes online, and pay a woman to come change my cat boxes. And I look like shit. So maybe there's something to this farm livin' after all, I wondered.

Then she told me that her boyfriend - who is a real life cowboy (seriously, he sleeps in his boots I think), was having his birthday this weekend. To celebrate, they are going to a friend's farm to castrate and brand cows. Yee fuckin' ha.

This is what my sister and her boyfriend do for fun - cut off cattle balls, and then as if the cow isn't humiliated enough - singe a mark onto its ass. My only hope was that the leftover cow parts weren't used in any kind of birthday meal later. Because that would just be WRONG.

"You have got to be kidding me," I said to my sister, once I recovered from the news. "Do you at least let the cows have some birthday cake first?"

"No, we pretty much just go right to it," she said.

Wow. And here I thought that a nice dinner out and some dancing would be a fun birthday celebration. I must be a pansy. This city slicker obviously didn't know how to REALLY LIVE! What did they do on anniversaries, I wondered ... give bulls enemas?

I think I'll take my nice, comfy, city life any day, thank you very much. I may be soft around the middle, but at least the closest I get to a cow on my birthday is at the Outback. And that's far more appetizing. For both me, and the cow.

Comments

[Marie]

My sister and I are complete opposites too, but we don't get along. At all.

[HeyJoe]

You. On "property." In heels. Priceless.

[HeyJoe]

P.S.
For my 40th we got drunk and castrated strippers.

Good times.

[Citronella]

Hell.

I had some vague notion that, somewhere, or rather in the middle of nowhere, people lived on "properties" and enjoyed their farming lives.

I am even able to believe that they do enjoy talking about tractors for two hours. I actually think myself that if it has to last for hours, I'd rather hear about people's tractors than about the work they're doing in their house (and the compared merits of tile and porcelain for covering a shower, and whether or not to insulate the garage, and what fucking color and fabric should the goddam curtains be).

But castrate and brand cows, *as a treat*?

You'd better be kidding me.

[juneyor13]

I thought you should know about this
http://www.rent-a-midget.com/about.htm

also they always could be making rocky mountain oysters with the left over parts.

[witchypoo]

You mean you never ate calf nuts? Are you sure you know what was barbequed?
Just sayin...

[Ree]

Are you Pioneer Woman's sister?

My sister is a stay at home mom with 5 kids. 5! I would have killed one by now, I'm sure.

At least you two visit each other. ;-)

[Tanya]

hmmmm....sounds like where we live. Our house is surrounded by property...

We are soon to get sheep and cows and pigs and chickens.

We have dogs and a 4wd

BUT

I work in the city and we both go out on weekends to the city. We have a modern house and are soon to get internet at home once the line is connected.

We eat junk food. (there is a pizza place which actually delivers to our house)

[tigerlilly]

I must be a REAL freak, 'cause I can totally appreciate a beautiful pair of Manolos with a Kate Spade bag to match, AND I do all that "country life" stuff and actually ENJOY IT!! lol

I've been pretty close to cows since I've come to Oz- you can't get much closer that when performing AI, being shoulder deep in a cows ass and all!

There is much to be said for living life in the city--all the conveniences! And the shopping!!--but it's true that living life on the land does seem to keep you younger. I know that before we moved to come and work here in WA, I was in a lot better shape physically. And I think mentally and spiritually too. Personally, I can't wait to get back to our "property". I miss all of it.

But I'm taking all my puuuurrrrrdy clothes and shoes with me!

[zoe]

did i read that right...castrate cows? dear god. you promised no midgets for a week btw. i feel like i live in bfe just cause i have to get on th highway to go to target!

[Veronica]

I wish I had a sister. *sigh*

[Leanne]

Woah~ cutting off cattle balls as a past time. No thank-you!
My sister and I are different too. She's the more girly girl, glammed up while I'm the more jeans and tee girl. Sometimes we have conversations where we're both talking about different things but it still works. =p

[moooooog35]

I'm kinda a midget...do I count?

I'm an only child, so I don't get this kind of dynamic.

Although..it might explain why I'm bipolar.

Bipolar.

If I lived in Alaska, I'd sell bears with a big sign that said:

"Buy Polar Here"

Sorry.

I need a sibling.

Or a midget.

[Candy]

I'm laughing at Ree's comment, because I was thinking the same thing. Except Pioneer Woman clearly doesn't have a boyfriend. Because who has time with all that mooning over her husband. Sheesh.

[lceel]

Given that I have more in common with the bulls than you do, I think I can safely say that they wish your sister was more like you. Excuse me, now, while I cross my legs and cringe in sympathy.

[Miss J]

You know, I could actually handle country life with smoothly paved surfaces anywhere I'm actually likely to walk.

It's not just the high heels, it's the alcohol.

[Daisy]

I need pictures of this! I told you heels don't work for all occasions!