IT'S JUST NUTS

I don’t understand the fascination with balls.

   

Don’t get me wrong. I like penises. Penises - large ones in particular - have provided me with lots of sweaty and satisfying entertainment over the years. I have a great appreciation for them – especially in their alert state.

   

But although I understand that balls serve a distinct purpose in proper penis function, I am just not a fan. For one, they are not attractive - usually hairy, always kind of droopy, and seemingly just in the way.

   

They also just seem to be a pain – so to speak. Men complain that they are very sensitive and vulnerable, as well as easy to sit on – especially as they get older and gravity begins to pull on them like taffy.

   

So it boggles my mind and my sensibilities to think that there is an entire INDUSTRY dedicated to the display of balls as decorative items.

   

Yes, dear reader, I am talking about the Original Bulls Balls – a registered trademark, mind you – for fake bull sacs that you can hang from the tow hitch of your pick-up truck, or even your bumper or motor bike.

   

The company’s motto? “Made to Swing.”

   

Ew.

   

I mean really … doesn’t that HURT?

   

And why is that a selling point? I don't want to see that shit.

   

This whole site is just one big … “WHAT IN THE HELL?” I came across it when I was trying to find a picture for another blog post I was writing in which my sister announced she would be castrating some bulls this weekend. You know ... for fun.

   

I just sat there, mouth agape, as I scrolled over pages upon pages of fake Bulls Balls in 7 styles and 18 colors, including some designer pattern nuts. "HOME OF THE BIG 'UNS!" and “WE'VE GOT YOUR BIG TESTICLES!” the page screamed at me. And here I didn’t even know I had any.

   

It is a cornucopia of nuts over there. They have red nuts and black nuts. For the more natural look they have ivory, mocha, brown and flesh nuts. They have pink nuts for girls and blue nuts for those who like to make the impression they use them all the time.

   

They have camouflage nuts, for those that just want to blend in, and shiny brass and chrome nuts for those that like to stand out.

   

And they have key chain nuts … if you don’t own a car, but still want to remind the world you have a pair - they just aren’t in your pants.

   

They have nuts in different sizes too, because “size DOES matter,” the site advertises. But what they fail to advertise is that the size of the fake bull balls you hang on your truck is directly disproportionate to the size of your real balls. Or your brain, for that matter.

   

As you can probably infer, I don’t feel sorry for the small-penised, small-brained consumer buying these fake bull balls. No, being the Bitch of the People, my pity lies with the workers on the production line who have to fondle these multi-shaped and multi-colored bull balls each and every day. What is their sexual harassment policy like, I wonder? Is it alright to compare the fake nuts with your coworkers nuts, just to make sure they feel "life-like?"

   

Are there standards that the production workers have to follow? What constitutes a “rejected” set of bull balls, and what constitutes a “good” pair? Is there testing done on these balls? And if so, the Official Bull Ball Tester better be making some good money, I think.

   

The site also claims to be “the foremost truck balls company in the world,” which begs the question … how many companies make fake bulls balls anyway?

   

Apparently the answer to that is “a lot” because the site also says: "Bumper nuts, bumper balls, truck nutz, truck balls, truck nuts, hitch nuts, big balls, bulls balls, bull balls, big boy nuts, bike balls, car balls and hanging nuts are not all the same thing, but our imitators would like you to think so."

   

Damn! That's a lotta nuts! And you wouldn't want to buy the wrong set of nuts, would you? Because that would just be BAD, as opposed to hanging the CORRECT set of fake bull nuts on the back of your truck ... or bike ... or bumper, which WOULDN'T be bad, or stupid, or just plain NUTS (get it? Nuts? Ha ha ... I Kill me!)

   

Besides, the balls here are SECOND GENERATION (not old and shriveled like those first generation ones) and NEW AND IMPROVED! According to the site, the new design "prevents the negative look of flippity flopping of the nuts at higher speeds. They simply float nicely as the air pushes them gently up and back."

   

I think we all can agree here that "flippity flopping" is bad. Very, very bad.

   

Finally, BULLS BALLS, THE NEXT GENERATION, also comes with a new installation device that makes it harder to steal. Because theft, apparently, is a really bad problem. Really? There are men out there that would steal another man's fake balls? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Go get your own fake balls, you pussies!

   

The site also goes on to say that these balls are "hard as a rock" - which, I have to admit, made me kind of hot. And each set weighs around 2 pounds. That's one pound each. OH BABY!

   

I guess I've lived a sheltered life. Because I just don't get it. What does hanging a pair of fake bull balls on your vehicle REALLY say about you? And what do you WANT it to say?

   

Any woman who chooses to date you based on the size of your fake bull testes has probably appeared on Jerry Springer at some point. And I doubt that other men will respect or fear you more because of those shiny blue balls hanging from the back of your Hyundai - flippity flop or no flippity flop.

   

As far as I'm concerned, these bull balls are just a load of bull crap. Which I'm sure somebody somewhere sells too. But I'm not Googling it to find out.

Comments

[Chantal]

I think you just scarred me for life 0_o

[tanya]

lol

lol

lol

[Veronica]

Have I mentioned that I love you? And that you make me laugh so hard sometimes?

No?

Well you do.

So there.

[Kim]

Holy crap, that was funny sh!t!

[Marie]

Brad's boss in FL made this website:

http://mensrights.com/

The logo is meat to by stylized testicles. At one time he was considering selling the testicles as decor for one's desk. He called them "deskticles."

[Miss J]

Oh, my, I'm not sure what I want to say about this but I'm laughing horribly. By horribly I mean the nasty, wheezing whistly chortling sound I'm making while I try to avoid waking the only proud owner of REAL balls in this house...

Ah live down South, and ah've seen ah lot of chrome truck balls the last year or so, but no purty colors. That ain't manly like.

* gasp wheeze *

Oh STOP! Dammit woman!

[tigerlilly]

I don't know WHY anyone would hang fucking BALLS from the rear bumper of their vehicle, but I'm guessing it's something along the line of a) their own balls are tiny and not so crash hot to behold, OR b) they simply LACK a set of their own, so hell, 'the truck might as well have them--one of us might as well be studly'!

Balls for the ladies? The FUCK?!?!?!
This is as mystifying to me as to why:
--whoopee cushions are still made when most men I know (hell, some WOMEN I know) can fart on command and get the added bonus of clearing the room of all life forms
--batteries, CD's, scissors etc., are encased in child & bullet proof plastic, and yet light bulbs come in flimsy "cardboard" boxes

WHY would women want balls hanging off their vehicles?? The only other thing stupider would be "car boobs" that you could stuff your "car bra" with.

Puhleez!!

[Miss J]

oh, crap. I forgot to mention Neuticles. Those are ball implants for neutered dogs. They have KEYCHAINS with miniature replicas. Oh God.

[Candy]

OMG! I heard about these about a week ago, on the radio, and simply could not envision them in my head.

So thank you. Thank you for the visual that will never leave my head, no matter how many Ambiens I take.

[Ang]

Hilarious! You make comedy out of the most obscene topics! I love it!!!

[ie]

Scarred for life.
Now I'm thinking that "the ladies" might want to sport mini testes-earrings that will dangle and tinkle in the light breeze, matching the color/style of their big-man's version hanging from his truck hitch.
I truly hope this is a geographical "accessory" and that mine own eyes never ever see those things for real. *shudder*

[punchlinewalking]

Oh yeah, I've seen these around town more than I'd like to admit. Each time I tell my husband that they are "just more proof that the end is near."

[Ree]

Oh Mah Holy Hell.

I'm wondering who I can get keychains for.

[lceel]

I'll bet those guys are REAL popular down there in that part of the country where the family tree don't fork, where mother's have been known to walk into the living room and say "Y'all come see this before I flush it", where all the sheets in the house have been sewn into pointy hats with eyeholes cut in 'em, in that fondly embraced area of the good ol' US of A where the only thing bigger than your hat is your belt buckle - there, there they are sold and proudly displayed as badges of redneck manhood!!

[melanie]

Ok. when I lived in texas and everyone had a truck, or two... I saw these things. I got really scared... since then, i have decided to not think about it.

balls.. heh.

[Buzzardbilly]

Wow. Somehow this makes the car I always see at my local K-Mart with the entire back window taken up by custom lettering that says "If you're going to ride my ass, then pull my ass hair" seem just a little saner.

[The Super Bongo]

thanks for your kind wishes. However, I've not gotten any fake balls or "nuticles" today . . . which leaves me kinda feeling incomplete, you know?

[Politically Blonde]

Guys who put truck nuts on their ride are compensating for a lack of balls in real life. Freud would have a field day.

[zoe]

hmmm. i think i may hang a set of pink balls on marks manly truck. just to be a whore.

[moooooog35]

I didn't know you could get testicles in so many colors.

I only know the color of mine.

Blue.

[Daisy]

I think I am going to throw up. Penises, balls, men's ass hair...barf-o-rama!

[reporter666]

OOOOeeeee this is funny the biggest are the MONSTER NUTS at http://allthenutz.com haha