Don’t get me wrong. I like penises. Penises - large ones in particular - have provided me with lots of sweaty and satisfying entertainment over the years. I have a great appreciation for them – especially in their alert state.
But although I understand that balls serve a distinct purpose in proper penis function, I am just not a fan. For one, they are not attractive - usually hairy, always kind of droopy, and seemingly just in the way.
They also just seem to be a pain – so to speak. Men complain that they are very sensitive and vulnerable, as well as easy to sit on – especially as they get older and gravity begins to pull on them like taffy.
So it boggles my mind and my sensibilities to think that there is an entire INDUSTRY dedicated to the display of balls as decorative items.
Yes, dear reader, I am talking about the Original Bulls Balls – a registered trademark, mind you – for fake bull sacs that you can hang from the tow hitch of your pick-up truck, or even your bumper or motor bike.
The company’s motto? “Made to Swing.”
I mean really … doesn’t that HURT?
And why is that a selling point? I don't want to see that shit.
This whole site is just one big … “WHAT IN THE HELL?” I came across it when I was trying to find a picture for another blog post I was writing in which my sister announced she would be castrating some bulls this weekend. You know ... for fun.
I just sat there, mouth agape, as I scrolled over pages upon pages of fake Bulls Balls in 7 styles and 18 colors, including some designer pattern nuts. "HOME OF THE BIG 'UNS!" and “WE'VE GOT YOUR BIG TESTICLES!” the page screamed at me. And here I didn’t even know I had any.
It is a cornucopia of nuts over there. They have red nuts and black nuts. For the more natural look they have ivory, mocha, brown and flesh nuts. They have pink nuts for girls and blue nuts for those who like to make the impression they use them all the time.
They have camouflage nuts, for those that just want to blend in, and shiny brass and chrome nuts for those that like to stand out.
And they have key chain nuts … if you don’t own a car, but still want to remind the world you have a pair - they just aren’t in your pants.
They have nuts in different sizes too, because “size DOES matter,” the site advertises. But what they fail to advertise is that the size of the fake bull balls you hang on your truck is directly disproportionate to the size of your real balls. Or your brain, for that matter.
As you can probably infer, I don’t feel sorry for the small-penised, small-brained consumer buying these fake bull balls. No, being the Bitch of the People, my pity lies with the workers on the production line who have to fondle these multi-shaped and multi-colored bull balls each and every day. What is their sexual harassment policy like, I wonder? Is it alright to compare the fake nuts with your coworkers nuts, just to make sure they feel "life-like?"
Are there standards that the production workers have to follow? What constitutes a “rejected” set of bull balls, and what constitutes a “good” pair? Is there testing done on these balls? And if so, the Official Bull Ball Tester better be making some good money, I think.
The site also claims to be “the foremost truck balls company in the world,” which begs the question … how many companies make fake bulls balls anyway?
Apparently the answer to that is “a lot” because the site also says: "Bumper nuts, bumper balls, truck nutz, truck balls, truck nuts, hitch nuts, big balls, bulls balls, bull balls, big boy nuts, bike balls, car balls and hanging nuts are not all the same thing, but our imitators would like you to think so."
Damn! That's a lotta nuts! And you wouldn't want to buy the wrong set of nuts, would you? Because that would just be BAD, as opposed to hanging the CORRECT set of fake bull nuts on the back of your truck ... or bike ... or bumper, which WOULDN'T be bad, or stupid, or just plain NUTS (get it? Nuts? Ha ha ... I Kill me!)
Besides, the balls here are SECOND GENERATION (not old and shriveled like those first generation ones) and NEW AND IMPROVED! According to the site, the new design "prevents the negative look of flippity flopping of the nuts at higher speeds. They simply float nicely as the air pushes them gently up and back."
I think we all can agree here that "flippity flopping" is bad. Very, very bad.
Finally, BULLS BALLS, THE NEXT GENERATION, also comes with a new installation device that makes it harder to steal. Because theft, apparently, is a really bad problem. Really? There are men out there that would steal another man's fake balls? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Go get your own fake balls, you pussies!
The site also goes on to say that these balls are "hard as a rock" - which, I have to admit, made me kind of hot. And each set weighs around 2 pounds. That's one pound each. OH BABY!
I guess I've lived a sheltered life. Because I just don't get it. What does hanging a pair of fake bull balls on your vehicle REALLY say about you? And what do you WANT it to say?
Any woman who chooses to date you based on the size of your fake bull testes has probably appeared on Jerry Springer at some point. And I doubt that other men will respect or fear you more because of those shiny blue balls hanging from the back of your Hyundai - flippity flop or no flippity flop.
As far as I'm concerned, these bull balls are just a load of bull crap. Which I'm sure somebody somewhere sells too. But I'm not Googling it to find out.