EQUAL OPPORTUNITY SEX TOYS

Friend and fellow blogger, Cookiebitch, has forced, guilted bestowed upon me the honor of writing a guest post for her blog.

Lured by the promise of many hits to my own blog, and quite frankly out of fear for my safety, (have you read Cookiebitch? Bitch be scary) my inner whore acquiesced.

But what to write about? While she’s definitely a bitch, Cookie is still a hunka, hunka burnin’ woman, and thus writes a somewhat chick angled blog. I’m a dude people; a testosterone laden, facial hair sprouting, colossal average d*ck swinging dude. What could I possibly write about to interest the regular readers of Cookiebitch?

Masturbation. Of course.

Cookie’s readers’ love, Love, LOVE to masturbate. They pound themselves like there’s no tomorrow. They can’t get enough of it. It’s a regular freakin’ 24/7 diddle-fest, as evidenced by the comments, Cookie’s many vibrator references and Hotfessional’s recent guest post about her favorite toy, the butterfly. Elton John may think that butterflies are free, but my guess is that he isn’t aware of Hotfessional’s butterfly, currently on 24-hour lockdown in her nightstand drawer.

So yea, masturbation. It’s a beautiful thing. Who can’t get behind orgasms at will? I mean seriously, are you f*ucking whacked?  But here’s my beef with the beef bashing; how come women get all the cool toys? There are stores and websites devoted to the pleasuring of the cooze. I‘ve got no problem with this. Every cooze deserves good lovin’. But why is it that the girl’s toys are so readily available and acceptable where as “guy stuff” is still viewed as skeezy and must be purchased while wearing a trench coat and dark glasses, even if you DO order it online?

A man masturbating conjures up images of Pee Wee Herman being arrested for whacking in a Florida porno theater, sickos in rain coats hanging out in parks, and horned up teenagers f*cking hot apple pies or flogging the bishop to the likes of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue, Vogue, Cosmo or the JCPenny Sunday lingerie ad.

On the flipside, thoughts of masturbating women conjure up images of beauty and dare I say art.

And the toys! Dildos, vibrators, French ticklers, bouncing ball shit, even trapeze equipment, all buzzing, fluttering, thrusting, sliding, and rocking women to thigh shuddering explosions of delight. (Holy shit, please excuse me for a few moments….)

But guys? What do we get? Maybe a pocket pussy? Some latex twat with fake hair that we can manually use to massage our member? Or worse, one of those inflatable dolls with bad eye-shadow and an ever gaping maw. Yea, nothing like that face coming at you to get the pipe a-puffing.

So here’s what I want. I want a good, non-cheesy, realistic stroke buddy and I want it now. I’m middle-age people, how many good years of dishonorable discharge do I have left in me?

Please send all care packages in care of Cookiebitch.

HeyJoe and Colossal Average Joe thank you.

XXX

If you would like to participate in Guest Post Saturdays, please indicate that in a comment below. Contrary to all evidence, guest posts do not have to mention sex, sex toys, masturbation or vaginas.

And don't forget to check out more of Joe's amusing rants at HeyJoe. Please, throw the guy a bone - or boner. He doesn't care which.

Comments

[witchypoo]

Dream on Joe. All mens really need is a hole in their pocket and they're good to go.
As for me? I don't need toys. I just keep my nails clipped.
For typing. Yeah, that's it. Typing.

[Ree]

Oh Mah Holy Hell. I didn't think it was possible to snort yogurt out your nose, but you got me.

Joe, I've never quite considered the issue from the male point of view. I think I may have found the entreprenurial niche I've been looking for!

Must go think about it.

[Veronica]

Giggling too much. Can't comment.

Poor men, their life sucks.

[zoe]

hmm. funny i don't really feel bad for poor joe. i mean shit he gets to pee standing up!

[Cool Lisa]

HeyJoe...is that your d**k in your hand? (I had to go there, sorry)

After reading this, I no longer have fantasies about being a man. I thought their hand was their best friend....I stand corrected. I always thought that since a man's erogenous zone was bigger, he didn't need as much help. Ours is little...and therefore I feel a little amplification is needed.

Years ago when I used to work with disabled men (quads, paraplegics), one of them showed me a catalog that had "toys" in it. All kinds of things that squeezed and vibrated. It did have some eekuuuwww factor to it. There will no dolls in that catalog.

How about a vibrating rubberish glove? In the meantime...i guess we will keep our days jobs.

[Daisy]

Cry me a river. It must be so hard to be Joe.

[Marie]

Thing is, men don't really need much to get stimulated. Like the previous commenter said, a hole in the pocket is plenty. And physically, a woman's bits are more complicated and multi-faceted, and different women need stimulation in different areas. One may love clitoral attention, others can't bear it. Etc. So we need a greater variety of choices.