BITCH IN THE MACHINE

Everywhere I go, stores are replacing real people with those electronic self-checkout machines. Granted, some of these machines probably have a much better personality than most of the human clerks out there, but what I found out the other day - in a very painful lesson - is that they are also equally as annoying, and not necessarily more efficient.

One store in particular I frequent has long lines in the regular check out lanes, so I decided to give the self-checkout a try so I could get out of there faster. I'm a busy bitch, after all. And if I can avoid humanity, that's an added bonus. Plus, I only had three items. How hard could it be?

First, the machine asked me what language I would like it to talk to me in. I pressed "English."

"Hola," the woman inside said, and proceeded to babble at me in Spanish. The only Spanish I know is tequila and margarita, so I tried to back the machine up and choose English again.

An alarm sounded and the woman inside began to talk in Spanish faster and with more urgency - as if a bomb was about to explode. I had the urge to run before cops gunned me down for pressing the wrong button. Instead, I kept pressing more buttons in a blind panic until the bitch shut up. Then I started over.

This time when I pressed "English," the woman said "Hello," but I swear I heard her snicker as she said it.

Then the wench asked me to "please scan my first item and place it in the bagging area."

I did as she said, because - quite frankly - I was a little scared of her. I heard the beep as the scanner read the bar code and then I put the item in the bagging area as instructed.

"Unauthorized item in the bagging area," the bitch in the machine screamed at me, and repeated it as if I was a moron and didn't hear her the first time. I picked the item up in the vain hope that she would stop.

"Please place your item in the bagging area," the bitch then said, repeating this mantra now instead.

I put the item back in the bagging area, at which time she yelled at me again for putting an unauthorized item there.

This went on for about 5 minutes with me repeatedly picking up the item and putting it back until the veins on my neck started to pulsate. I finally cracked.

"Fuck you, you stupid bitch!" I screamed at the machine. "I just put the fucking item in the fucking bagging area and it is fucking authorized you god damned WHORE!" I swear I could hear her cackling from inside her little metal box. I wanted to wring her neck, but she had no neck to wring.

For some reason, my tirade prompted the store manager to come out of the back office. He approached me with trepidation, looking to see if I was armed.

"Ma'am, can I help you? You seem to be agitated."

"REALLY?!!!" I whirled on him. Finally, someone to punch. "WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST FUCKING CLUE?" I wanted to say. But instead all I could do was point at the machine and stutter "Bitch ... won't let ... authorized ... bagging area ... she ... must ... die."

He used a little key to shut the bitch up and then restarted my checking out process.

"Think you can handle it from here?" he asked me. I should have been angry at the slight condescending tone in his voice. But truth is, I knew as soon as he and his little control key went away, the bitch would start yelling at me again. But if I told him that the bitch inside was conspiring against me, he would most likely call the cops - or the men in the white coats - to take me away. So I just nodded meekly, and he walked away.

I scanned my first item and put it in the bagging area. The bitch remained silent.

I scanned the second item and put it in the bagging area, wincing as I set it down. Nothing.

One more. Oh sweet Jesus. Maybe I could get out of here alive, I thought.

I scanned my final item. pausing before slowly bringing it down to the bagging area. As it touched the surface, a sea of angry Spanish erupted from the machine which I swear included the word "policia."

I ran. I took my purse, left my three items and ran. I now only go to stores with real people. At least real clerks are more fun to yell at.

Comments

[Cool Lisa]

it's kind of like the drive-thru...if you take too long at the machine, people start giving you the sideways "what's wrong with that mornon look" and in the store you have to be subjected to actually seeing "the look".

I wanna know why there isn't a discount given for using those machines. Though they seem like more work than having a live person check out your stuff for you. Or maybe there is one of those hidden cameras somewhere and someday we will be appearing on one of "those shows."

The logic escapes me.......

[Chantal]

That was absolutely hilarious. I am so glad we don't have those things.

I mean, I am glad I have my machines, but if they start talking in foreign languages to me...

To speak in legendary words... "The Earth Is Doomed"

[lceel]

I am having so much fun imagining you dealing with this machine - you getting frustrated - and there's no one there to throttle. It's like "Hide the guns, mother, here she comes!"

Fun.

[witchypoo]

I avoid those things like the plague. They are programmed for humiliation.

[punchlinewalking]

I actually know the woman who does the voices for those machines...everytime I see her I make her say "Do you have any coupons?" and then I kick her in the shins (kidding of course about the last part, but I swear the rest is true).

[Miss J]

After reading this, and Dooce's amusing tirade on the subject, I am glad none of the stores I frequent have yet installed these freakishly disfunctional frickety-fracking machines, and absolutely refuse to try to use one if they do. If there are NO human cashiers in a store, I vow I will go somewhere else. I would rather pay an extra fifteen cents for my bread than subject myself to unnecessary, undeserved humiliation.
Anyway, I object to the whole idea of ringing up and bagging my own groceries, unless I get a substantial discount for doing so. Companies that try to turn their customers into unwilling, unpaid employees can just kiss my delicious ass.

(Note: I tried to include a link to Dooce's post, but it didn't work. If you go to dooce dot com and do a search for Outsourced Caring, it'll come right up.)

[Ree]

I hate those things, with the heat of 1000 suns. Mr. Hot and I have attempted it twice. I swear, by the end of scanning groceries and bagging the fucking things, we were talking divorce. I refuse to use them anymore.

And, by the way...Be ETERNALLY grateful you didn't have coupons!

[Veronica]

ARGHHH! I hate those damn machines! They ALWAYS do the exact same thing to me!

[tigerlilly]

I think those machines were actually invented by the government NOT for efficiencies sake, but to cull the human race, because I don't anyone that has used on of those things has left the store without at least considering going on a mass murder spree.

Maybe there should be an investigation into possible connections between college campus shootings and using self-checkout machines?

(I'm NOT mocking the recent Chicago tragedy, so please, don't anybody feel you have to e-crucify me.)

[Dawn]

I hate that "unauthorized" stuff. Bang Zoom to the moon!

[Kelley]

Phew. Here in Oz we are so far behind the times my grandchildren will be doing the shopping for me.

And I am intending on needing jumbo pkts of incontinence products and prunes.

Love to hear that screamed in Spanish!

[Marie]

When those first came out they were great, they didn't have all those sensors and such. The first time I used one here, I scanned a case of soda, which was too big for a bag, and then returned it to my cart. There was nowhere to put it in "the bagging area." The machine went nuts telling me over and over to put it in the bagging area, and finally a guy came over and just balanced it on top of the little bag dispenser things. I only use those now if I have one or two very small items.

[Tara]

I think what throws a lot of people off about those machines is they determine if you're trying to sneak things by without scanning and paying is by weight. So if for some reason the weight of the item on the unscanned side is less than the weight of the item on the scanned side, it freaks. It really gets screwed up if you rest your purse or arm on one of the scales that throws off the whole system.

[Daisy]

Ha! I completely agree with you. Those machines suck goat balls. However, I would have paid good money to have been there with you....CB and a check out machine...too much!

FYI - Home Depot only has these stupid machines now. They have ONE employee stand in the middle of the machines to help those of us who can't manager to properly balance a screen door in the bagging area. I refuse to go back.