THE DANGERS OF FREE BOOBIN'

Over the years I have increasingly become a hermit in my own house for the simple reason that most things just aren't worth putting a bra on for.

Sundays, especially, are treasured days in which I not only refuse to wear a bra, I also don't wear any pants. I just wander around the house in a ripped over-sized T-shirt, not caring what privates hang out or are exposed. Fuck anyone who doesn't like it either, because this is my day to let it all hang out, to be comfortable, and to do as I wish - which is usually eat chicken wings half naked. I'm telling you ... it makes for easy clean up - just hose me off and I'm done!

My propensity for free boobin', anti-pants Sundays is probably why our friends no longer visit us on the weekends. This is also why, when our elderly neighbor came over to ask if he could borrow our pressure washer, he had to be given oxygen. Oh well. Again, I don't give a fuck. It's my house. Don't come knockin' if you don't want to see the boobs rockin'.

Besides, the rest of the time, when I'm outside of my home, I am a good little conformist. I really have to be. Because when you are a well-endowed bitch like I am, you can't hide the fact you aren't wearing a bra in public. The boobs are simply EVERYWHERE, flopping around in separate directions and pointing every which way. It is something like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away. I'd probably knock over little old ladies or innocent children if I let them out free. As they continue to sag with age, I've also developed a fear of getting them sucked into an escalator, or caught in the rotating belt at the grocery check-out line. Can you just imagine THAT call to 911?

This is why if I do leave the house, 99 percent of the time I make sure to put the girls up in a bra, where they are locked and loaded. This also allows me to arrange them so the nipples are at least pointing in the same general direction (hopefully somewhat north) instead of completely opposite directions (south east and south west.)

The only time I do not put them in a bra is if I'm going to a drive thru, or to do something very quickly - like get gas. Even then, I tend to layer over my boobs so it isn't as obvious - a tank top, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt and a coat. One time, in mid-July, I passed out from the heat of all those clothes. But at least I did so in a dignified fashion.

I only wish other women were as thoughtful as I am. Because it seems like free-boobin' has become the norm in today's society. Everywhere I go I see breasts flopping right, breasts flopping left.

I know that men like to see this - treat it as a present from God, actually. But it's just so DISTRACTING. A young woman with small, perky breasts was at the grocery store yesterday and was wearing a tight-fitting, thin, knit top with no bra. She might as well have been naked. I could see every curve, every point, every bump so to speak. They were like little bowls of jello jiggling here, jiggling there. And for the life of me, I couldn't stop staring. I was fascinated. Me. A straight woman. I just couldn't look away. So you can imagine how many shopping carts were crashing into each other around her. I saw one man actually get a boner on aisle 5, while a baby on aisle 4 started crying because he was reminded he was hungry.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it are the large-breasted, older women like <sob> me. The ones who said goodbye to perky about 5 to 10 years ago and now have to lift their boobs up in the shower to scrub underneath. I see many of these kinds of women just nonchalantly walking around in the mall, or outside at the park, or at the grocery store with their boobs flopping free. Again, I can't seem to look away - but this time it's because I'm petrified of them.

Because really ... who wants to be at a coffee shop and worry about a sagging ball of fat flopping into their decaf non-fat latte? Who wants to make their kids wear helmets in case one of these free-flying boobages smacks them in the face and gives them whiplash? And the biggest danger? That these free-boobers will turn around quickly enough to fling their saggy breast in such a way that it spills out their arm hole. SO. NOT. ATTRACTIVE. Also not attractive? When your boobs knock against your knees as you walk. That shit is just WRONG.

These women obviously didn't have a mother like mine - who pointed to the natives in our National Geographic magazine and told me that if I didn't wear a bra, my boobs would be down to my belly button like the woman with the bone sticking through her nose. Gravity, I was constantly reminded, was not my friend. And to this day, I hate that bastard gravity. Because even though I wear a bra 6 days a week, in just that one day out of seven it has managed to grab hold of my boobs and pull them down like they are made of Silly Putty.

My problem is I'm just not able to give up my one day of free-boobin'. The girls need a break. And while there are comfortable bras out there, it's not as comfortable as NOT wearing a bra. Unless of course, you are running, jumping, or doing another aerobic activity. Then a bra is essential in keeping injuries at bay.

Which brings me to my next free-boobin' point: If you do decide to free-boob in public, for the love of all that is right in the world, do not also decide to jog to your car or run to the ladies room. That shit just makes me grab my own boobs in sympathy pain. OW. EEEEEEEE.

So let's recap here: Free boobin' is a good thing in the comfort and privacy of your own home - or if you are young, perky and trying to get laid. It is not a good thing if you are large-breasted, over 35, breast-feeding, running in a triathlon, or a combination thereof. It can also be dangerous - not only for you, but for those around you. So be aware of those dangers and take precautions.

Sure, free, unencumbered breasts are great things. Until someone loses an eye. Let's be responsible boob-wielders, ladies. With great power, comes great responsibility.

P.S. That goes for you free-ballers out there too. Keep those boys tucked and rolled will yah? I don't need to see the right one falling out of your shorts at the gas station. Besides, just like the boobs, age and gravity is not kind to balls. I'd hate for you to sit on one of them and do permanent injury. I'm just sayin'.

Comments

[Miss J]

Dammit, Cookie! You just made me shoot beer out of my nose laughing. That was painful. Thank goodness I'm free boobin right this minute, or it would be too much to bear.

[Junebug]

Even in my youth I rarely free-boobed. I was THAT concerned about others. I mean really a quick turn and half the neighborhood could be on their knees. I always said the only reason I wasn't a marathon runner was the black eyes I'd get everytime I ran around a track.
People just don't know the suffering free-boobing can cause.
Please, for God's sake, if you've got powerful puppies, keep them in check unless you're at home. There is too much pain and suffering in the world already.

[witchypoo]

Free boobin is the reason I hardly go out anymore, unless I have to. Bras are instruments of torture.

[Dawn]

sigh.

I have to lift my boobs up NOW.

I had a parent in a meeting one time who I am positive wasn't wearing a bra - but worse yet - I kept staring!

[Jess]

I have nightmares about the day I wake up to find my boobs have finally reached my knees. The sad part is that I started to worry about this my sophmore year of high school.

[Chantal]

Gosh woman, Can you put up a WARNING THIS MAY CAUSE HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER next time? I almost choked laughing just now.

I have to say though. When the boobs are good and nice and don't go flailing around everywhere, I don't mind seeing a pair unleashed. I got to have *something* to look at when bored.

[Veronica]

I am cracking up here. I used to be one of those perky breasted girls in the supermarket with no bra.

Then I had a baby. Now? I have to arrange my nipples too and I have the added bonus of a toddler trying to pop them out of my top when we are out in public. FUN!

[Whimspiration]

This was great, thanks!

[tigerlilly]

I agree cookie, keep that free boobing/balling stuff within the confines of your home. It's bad, real bad, to be a straight woman and unable to quit looking at the woman who has National Geographic boobs peeking out the bottom of her crop top (that she shouldn't be wearing anyway, NG boobs or not). (true story, that one!)

I never, ever go out in public without a bra on. Period. Because if I did, I'd have to just kick them along or else step all over them, and that's just painful. And embarassing. I suppose I could just throw them over my shoulder, like a scarf, but if I'm gonna do that, I may as well just don my Playtex uniform.

My lifes ambition is to at some point require a heavily padded push up bra only to be told that I'm still flat chested! lol

**sigh**

Last night I dreamed I entered a jump rope contest and had no need for my MaidenForm Bra! (Anybody recall/have knowledge of those comercials?) lol

[HeyJoe]

I need to return your casserole dish. How does this Sunday work for you?

[moooooog35]

I did NOT have a boner on aisle 5.

I was simply pointing out where the Fruit Rollups were to the fine, young lady..using only my dink.

"They're WAY UP THERE!"

I've tried commando (free-ballin'), but got so far as to getting something similar to rug-burn on the tip of my wahoo.

Commando + 2 inch penis = chafing.

Word to the wise.

[Lisa]

I was on a road trip last year and we stopped at a little gift/food stop in this town in the middle of nowhere. There was a larger lady there who was free boobin and I kid you not, she only had one. The other one was not off to the side or anything...it was just not there! It was so hard not to do a double take.

[Annie]

He! I teach college, and am a perfectly respectable middle-aged straight woman, but have to say some of these "young ladies" dress to show off the impressive boobage either nature or good surgery has given them! I feel like a perv sometimes, but occasionally it is difficult to tear my eyes from their display. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for those attracted to such physical displays. :)

[Angela]

This might be the best Cookie posting of all time. I am crying. Thank you for a great laugh!

[The Super Bongo]

snort

[Ree]

I'm ONLY free-boobin' when I'm the only one around. Mr. Hot gets grabby. Shortman just gets completely grossed out. I can only imagine what the general public would do.

[zoe]

great i just wet my pants a little! i miss the days of perky a sized boobs. now i', like an e. no bra would be pure danger. i mean i could get those babies sucked up in the sweeper...caught in the shower drain. who knows. i used to work in a dialysis clinic where one of the patients NEVER wore undies. he would fall asleep in his chair and his nuts would be all over the place. the sweetest old lady sat right across from him. *snort* it was funny. does that make me twisted?

[Talina]

Free boobin huh? I can't do that. I teach dance and that does not go well with free boobin' at all. It's "like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away"... LOL
Plus my shirts always rub my nipples raw when I am free boobin... :-(

[TexasMom]

Hysterical!!
i have HUGE boobs so to be free of the torture device aka a bra, i love some free boobin' time at home.
sure, they're going to sag more but geez they need a break sometimes!!

[Neil]

Truly uplifting!

[Melanie]

Ok. i too am ENDOWED. free boobin is only at home... but as soon as I walk in the house... FREEEEEdem.

[leigh]

it's a good thing i wasn't drinking near my computer. i too am bemoaning my youthful perkiness. long live victorias secret.

[Dave]

Y halo thar fatass.

Nobody wants to see it. Put a mumu on and accept your role in life.

[Miss J]

"It is something like having two one-eyed wombats under your shirt trying to run away."

For me, it's more like guinea pigs, but they are nonetheless constantly trying to escape.

Boobs. Can't live with 'em, can't get laid without 'em.

[Daisy]

You are a freak. Bras are not that uncomfortable. I can't NOT wear one unless I'm lying around, otherwise they hurt like hell.