PHONE CONVERSATION WITH ANOTHER BITCH

BEST FRIEND: Hello.

COOKIE: You fucking bitch.

BEST FRIEND: I love you too. I suppose you are mad at me for not calling you back. Well fuck you. I've been busy. Deal with it.

COOKIE: It's a good thing I don't get out much and haven't met new people, or I'd dump you. Then again, after 22 years, you know too much, so I'd probably just have to kill you - you know, to protect myself. But unfortunately I can't do that because I need information.

BEST FRIEND: <bored tone> Yah, what?

COOKIE: What did I do for my 21st birthday?

BEST FRIEND: <crickets>

COOKIE: Seriously ... what did I do?

BEST FRIEND: How the fuck am I supposed to know?

COOKIE: Because I'm sure you were there. You turned 21 the year before me, just like you turned 40 a year before me. I love that, by the way. So what did we do?

BEST FRIEND: First of all, fuck you for the 40-year-old comment. Second of all, why is it so important for you to suddenly recall your 21st birthday?

COOKIE: Well, my niece turned 21 this week, and she, along with other people, have been asking me what I did on my 21st birthday. And for the life of me, I can't remember. And it's scaring me. I have officially become so old I can't remember my youth.

BEST FRIEND: I'm sure you went out, drank and puked. Just like I'm sure your niece did.

COOKIE: Yah, but WHERE did I go out, where did I drink and where did I puke?

BEST FRIEND: I don't know.

COOKIE: Great. I have no past. The only reason I stay in touch with you is because you know my past, and can remind me of it after the blackouts. So what exactly good are you now?

BEST FRIEND: I know what I did on my 21st birthday.

COOKIE: Who gives a shit? This is about me! FOCUS! Now think really hard ... about me ... do you remember anything?

BEST FRIEND: Did we go see a band? Maybe at Pier 70? With Peggy and Sherri and Bob?

COOKIE: Was that my 21st birthday?

BEST FRIEND: I don't know. I just remember we all looked like whores. Except Bob. He looked like a dufus.

COOKIE: Well that could have been anytime in our 20s.

BEST FRIEND: Hey, I'm trying here. Back the fuck off of me.

COOKIE: Fine. That's the story I'll use. Although I can't remember that night at all. Except for the whore part. Did I puke?

BEST FRIEND: Probably.

COOKIE: That's the story then.

BEST FRIEND: K. Anything else? I'm at work here.

COOKIE: Yah, I need something to blog about today. What are you pissed off about that I can rant about?

BEST FRIEND: Besides your random bitchy phone calls prodding me down memory lane? Well ... Republicans piss me off.

COOKIE: Yah, I know. But hey, Hillary won in New Hampshire, that's good news.

BEST FRIEND: Yah, but I still think Hillary is a lizard person. She freaks me out. I would like to see Bill as first lady though. I can just imagine him with some nice hats, long gloves, hosting tea parties. I hope he invites me.

COOKIE: Yah, he'd look great with pearls too.

BEST FRIEND: Actually, I think it was Monica that he made wear the pearls.

COOKIE: Thanks for that mental image. But I don't like to blog about politics.

BEST FRIEND: Well I heard that some guy in Texas chopped his girlfriend up in little pieces, boiled her, and tried to eat her. That pissed me off.

COOKIE: I'm sure it did. Probably pissed her off too. But that's a little dark don't you think?

BEST FRIEND: Well he called the cops and told them they should come over, so it had a happy ending.

COOKIE: What, he ran out of steak sauce? Had too many leftovers?

BEST FRIEND: I don't know. But the fucker is in jail now.

COOKIE: Well, I'm not going to blog about that. There are some people who read this blog at lunch.

BEST FRIEND: Well then what are you going to blog about?

COOKIE: I don't know. You've been worthless though. Thanks for that. This is 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

BEST FRIEND: You wouldn't remember it anyway, and just end up calling me again to remind you. So get the fuck off my phone.

COOKIE: Bye Bitch

BEST FRIEND: Bye Whore.

GOD I MISS THAT WOMAN!

Comments

[clyde]

hey, speaking of 21st birthdays ... my daughter's is here - http://myaisling.blogspot.com/2006/10/my-daughters-21st-birthday.html

[HeyJoe]

I'm tearing up here. That was so touching. Speaking of touching, I'm a little busy right now so...

[Ree]

Sounds like true friendship to me.

[Rebecca]

oooh that texas guy thing made me feel kind of nauseous.. but i hope i remember what i do on my 21st birthday.. when it comes!

[Veronica (Sleepless Nights)]

I nearly choked reading this. You are awesome, how did I not find your blog earlier?

[Candy]

::snort:: That's what friends are for!

[Sarcastic Mom]

Everyone should have such a friend! ;-)

[The Super Bongo]

There was a bit in the news about a guy whose dog stepped on his gun and shot him fatally . . . they actually found the dog's paw prints on the gun. There's a blog waiting to happen . . . especially if the guy was also a postal worker who drowns puppies.

[Miss J]

I remember MY 21st birthday, because I spent it at home, alone, and sober. I suck. Correction: I don't suck, but my birthday does. It's right between Christmas and New Years. People tend to either forget my birthday, or be too weary and broke to do anything about it.
Only ONE person besides me remembered my 21st birthday... I got a very sweet, and not collect, long-distance phone call from a heroin-addicted musician in Los Angeles. I was both touched that he somehow remembered, and pissed off that my local, non-junkie friends forgot.
Since then, I have been having my birthday party (if I have one) in August, which is not only barbecue weather, but is completely devoid of competing holidays.

[Daisy]

Did anyone ever tell you that you are a ray of sunshine?

I can still remember my 21st...Vegas Baby!