...OF THE WEEK

PET PEEVE ...

Skinny people who don't eat. I have one such bitch at my office. When other people are talking about where they want to go for lunch, she turns up her beak-like nose and says something stupid, like "I ate a carrot this morning, so I'm good." HUH? CARROT? That is not a meal, dumbass. That is barely food.

It wouldn't be so bad if these people just sat and starved in silence, but they are so fucking judgmental about what other people eat, it makes me violent.

When they see you eating your lunch at your desk, for example, they'll tell you in detail how bad it is for you, or how many calories you are consuming. It doesn't matter if you are eating healthy - they will find something wrong with it anyway, because if they can't eat, they want you to feel bad about eating, or at least ruin your appetite.

And god forbid anyone eats a donut in their presence, as they are sure to make a "tisk tisk" sound and give you a look that translates into: "You poor fat person. No wonder you are such a porker." I have contemplated slapping these judgemental anorexics myself, but they are often so fragile from lack of eating, I'm afraid I'd break them in half with my blubberous palm. And I don't want to get blood on my Krispy Kreme.

Now I don't mind skinny people who are healthy about it and WORK for it. I have a friend who goes to the gym every day and eats very sensibly. But she does EAT. And she looks fantastic - healthy, not skeletal.

But these skinny waifs who think it's cool, or fashionable to not eat need to realize they aren't better than the rest of us - just hungrier. Not only is starving yourself not healthy, it's also not pretty. And it makes us porkers want to tie you down and force feed you a Whopper.

LESSON ...

It's football playoff season - one of the favorite times of year in my household, especially this year, as both my team (The Seattle Seahawks) and my husband's team (The San Diego Charger's) are in the playoffs and managed to advance this weekend.

But it wasn't without its stresses, and as I found my team falling behind, I was forced to take part in a ritual that I have adopted over the years when my team needs an extra "shot" in the arm. And that is downing a shot of tequila. Or four. Or in the case of the 2005 Superbowl, 15.

I asked my husband to help me in this endeavor, but he hesitated.

"Is it squishy-face tequila?" he asked.

I had never heard this term before, and thought that maybe all the beer I had downed in the first half had caused me to have audible hallucinations.

"What?" I asked him.

"Squishy-face tequila," he replied without missing a beat. "You know - tequila that makes your whole face cave in on itself because of the vile taste."

I understood now what he meant. "Squishy-face tequila," as he called it, is also referred to as "nipple-hardening" tequila in some circles, as it immediately causes your nipples to get hard from the shock of putting something so horrible in your mouth. Ironically, If consumed in large quantities, this type of tequila causes you to put other horrible things into your mouth - like the dick of that douche-bag in accounting.

"You know I would not have squishy-face tequila in this house," I told him. "Only the finest tequila is allowed here."

For those of you who don't know tequila as I do, you need to drink tequila that is "100 percent agave." The reason tequila gets such a bad rap is that most people drink the shit-tequila, or the "squishy-face tequila," which is not 100 percent agave, and is cut with any garbage they can get their hands on - like road kill. That crap just fucks you up and then makes you vomit up your shoes. And have sex with people you shouldn't - like that douche-bag in accounting.

I explained this knowledge with my husband who, now enlightened, agreed to having a shot with me.
There were no squishy-faces, and a short time later, my team came back to win.

That is the power of agave, my friends. Never underestimate it. Always respect it. And beware the squishy-face.

This public service announcement provided to you from the Agave Growers of Mexico - god I love those guys.

SHOE ...

Everyone is always asking me if my shoes, or the ones I chose to show here, are "comfortable." My attitude has always been "who cares, as long as your feet look good?" I'll rip my feet open and turn my arches into hamburger if I feel pretty. But I also understand that you are more likely to wear shoes, and feel good in them, if they DON'T make you scream out in pain.

The problem is, many comfort-line shoes have the nasty side effect of being fucking ugly (or fugly, as I like to say). And that's no fun either. Why can't shoes be both sexy and comfortable? Why can't we have it all?

I say we can, ladies. I've picked these shoes by comfort line Lifestride for this week's shoe, not just because they make your tootsies feel great, but because they also make your tootsies LOOK great. And at $45 they don't hurt your wallet either. Use this coupon code at deal catcher (if you click through to shoes.com, the savings will automatically be deducted), and get 15 percent off too, for a real bargain! Check them out at shoes.com.

Comments

[The Super Bongo]

in my household, a particularly good win earns "tequila shots for everyone!"

And, for the record, we have like 4 or 5 different tequilas on hand on any given day . . . because god wants it that way.

[val cox]

oh my, I love your blog, you are fantastic once again!

[tigerlilly]

Oh Cookie, where have you been all my life? you and I share a.....uh, hatred? (is that too harsh??)..... of 'The Emaciated Wafe Who Does Not Deign To Eat Even Though It Is An Essential Task To Staying Amongst The Living'.
I find myself getting precariously closer and closer to knocking down these self righteous skeletal creatures and shoving a few cream pies into them, as I feel that would be the ultimate undoing of them, far worse punishment than breaking their brittle little bones with a swift backhand to their Pez-dispenser-like heads.

Even more, I hate when you still carry a little bit of excess weight, (and are all too aware of it, thanks!), and get little 'reminders' from people (who themselves have ZERO room to offer advise on health and nutrition), when you've made arrangements to fit a treat into your carefully constructed and maintained Weight Watchers Points program. You know what I mean. You've lost a heap of weight with hard slog and massive effort, make little cutbacks all week long to save up some points because you have a wedding coming up and would like to have a little sliver of the wedding cake because, well, you know, just how many times DOES your baby sister get married anyway, not to mention the fact that you just want a rare little treat??????
Yes, thank you Aunt Agnes** and your enormous over-hanging gut for pointing out that I'm supposed to be on a diet. Now, how about you and I discuss the virtues of the modern miracle also known as the GIRDLE? An invention that thankfully only one of us needs!

Why can't people just follow the principal that if it doesn't have any effect on YOU, than it is none of your damn business??

**All names changed to protect the stupid

[Miss J]

Oh my. Skinny bitches who don't eat are even more annoying than skinny bitches who eat like pigs and never gain an ounce.

At least the skinny piglets have an excuse, like being really active, or their genetic background, or both. I know, because I used to BE a skinny piglet... until I hit thirty. I gradually laid off going to clubs and dancing until the wee hours three or four times a week, but I didn't lose my ravenous appetite. [fast forward]

I just turned 41, and have a pot belly that I can't suck in unless I stop breathing.

Maybe I should start clubbing again, and kidnap and force-feed a starveling every time I go out. Then the non-eaters will get fat while I get skinny again! Mwah ha ha ha!

[Daisy]

A few thoughts:

-I agree with you on the waifs. My assistant will decline lunch invitations because she "had a few almonds for breakfast."

-I hope I got you the 'right' kind of booze.

-Those shoes are FUGLY!