IRRITATION ...
Perky people who work at coffee shops.
When it is 6 a.m. and I have not yet had any caffeine, I don't need you yelling good-morning to me in a sing-song voice and asking me how my day is. My day hasn't even fucking started yet, and quite frankly you are making it suck already with your overly concentrated AWAKENESS. Just take my fucking order and make my damned latte. We don't need to bond here. I didn't come here to make friends.
You also don't need to tell me how "yummy-ummy" the chocolate chip muffins are. First of all, don't EVER say "yummy-ummy" to me again. Are you 4? Or are you just trying to get me to punch you in your "facey-wacey"?
Second, have you seen my ass? I'm already using every ounce of will power I have NOT to have a chocolate chip muffin. So I'd appreciate it if you stopped tempting me as you stand there in your size 2 jeans. Why don't YOU eat a chocolate chip muffin, bitch.
And while you are at it, can you stop humming while you are at the espresso machine? Seriously. It is wayyyyyy to fucking early for humming - especially Disney songs. That's just wrong at any hour. And why are you ALWAYS smiling. You can't possibly enjoy your job that much. What are you on? Can I have some?
On second thought ... never mind. I don't want to look that stupid.
GROSS OUT ...
People who think if they are in their car, they are invisible to others.
This is not true. I can see you mining for boogers at the stop light and wiping it on the side of your door. I can see you singing "YMCA" - complete with hand gestures - in the lane beside me. Please put your fucking hands back on the steering wheel, by the way.
I can see you popping zits, smelling your armpits, using your steering wheel as a drum set. Because, dumbass, there are WINDOWS all around your car. Just because you are in a moving vehicle does not mean those windows cease to exist.
So please, for the love of god, stop eating you own snot, jacking off, and pretending you are the next American Idol. All you are doing is embarrassing yourself and making the road a more dangerous place.
SHOE ...
I am in love with these Steve Madden patent black pumps called Lately. Not only is the modern shape and 4 1/2 inch heel just super sexy, but the cheetah print detailing screams that this is not an ordinary shoe, nor is the woman wearing it boring.
And these super high heels are more comfortable than they look because of the platform in the front and the cushioned insole. Take it from someone with lots of pair of Steve Madden's - he knows what he's doing.
For $89.99, these shoes are special yet versatile because of their color and style. Wear them with jeans, dress pants or that perfect little black dress. Who knows, the little bit of animal print may just bring out the little animal in you. Check them out at shoes.com.
Gorgeous shoes.. Thanks for posting them.
Posted by: Merrilyn | January 27, 2008 at 12:07 PM
OMFG girl. Too funny. I wrote about the hot guy in the gorgeous convertible going down my road this summer with his finger up his nose. In a CONVERTIBLE.
And those shoes? to die for.
Posted by: Ree | January 27, 2008 at 03:03 PM
Ha, OMG, you are so right, people think they are invisible once they're in the car.
Or just don't care because it is probably the first and last time you'll see them.
You'll never catch me doing that behind the steering wheel ; then again, I don't have a drivers license.
Posted by: Chantal | January 27, 2008 at 03:16 PM
Okay ewwww @ the person picking their nose in the car.
Also? Those happy cheery people at 6am? They need shooting. Just sayin'
Posted by: Veronica | January 27, 2008 at 05:21 PM
Ah the obnoxious, insulting sounds of a happy barrista. I've know why they're always so goddamned happy at that ungodly hour--they've been up for probably at least 2 hours before that and have likely indulged in a bit of their own wares, and so, are fully and overly awake. Although not a barrista, per say, I opened a coffee shop everyday for 2 years, andwas on the job by 4am. You've become well awake and functional when you're first customer trudges through the door and snarls their order at you! lol
People who pick their noses, scratch obscene places and then SMELL THEIR HANDS (WTF?!?!?) while in their cars should be shot on sight. For the love of God!! Do that shit behind closed doors. I don't even want to address a SNOT EATER(?)!
However, I myself am subject to putting on inpromptu in-car concerts. I don't care! I might look like a fucking idiot doing it, but it can be a great way to unwind, and of course once the light turns the concert is over!
Oh fab shoes, btw.
Posted by: tigerlilly | January 27, 2008 at 06:45 PM
There is something on my blog for you.
Posted by: Veronica | January 27, 2008 at 08:35 PM
hehehehe I have just come here from Veronica@sleepless nights..
My children learned very early on to A:either stay out of my way or B: make me a coffee and then stay out of my way until I had drunk it..
cheers kim
Posted by: frogpondsrock | January 27, 2008 at 09:46 PM
"...for the love of god, stop eating you own snot, jacking off, and pretending you are the next American Idol."
Great...
..now not ONLY do I have nothing to do on my commute to work, but you've completely destroyed my Friday nights.
Hope you're happy.
Posted by: moooooog35 | January 28, 2008 at 08:39 AM
one of the worst things you can see in a rearview mirror is when someone is eating something with their mouth wide open so you can see the contents of their mouth plus their tonsils.
Posted by: emmak | January 28, 2008 at 11:34 AM
I had a barista this morning who thought the louder she asked me what I wanted, the quicker I would decide. Which, really, I guess she did- I want to order my coffee without someone fucking yelling at me! Glad to have found your blog- great stuff!
Posted by: punchlinewalking | January 29, 2008 at 07:57 AM
i think this is one of the best posts i have ever read. you made my morning!
Posted by: jenny | January 30, 2008 at 08:00 AM
The coffee girl may not really be perky...that is her job. If you are frequenting the Green Giant, I am all to familiar with their training requirements...if they aren't perky and are mystery shopped resulting in a poor score; they can be written up or be forced to repeat training. It is a bit of a cult and those who join must drink the Kool Aid or in this case the crack coffee.
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