... OF THE WEEK

SPAM ...

As most of you know, I recently turned 39. This, in itself, prompted me to start thinking about my life, and where I wanted to be when the big 4-0 arrived.

I came up with a plan on how to spend this next year working on the things I needed too, so I could be the best 40-year-old I could be. And I was starting to feel pretty good about it, too. Until the e-mails started to arrive. It was as if the moment I turned 39, the Internet gods decided I needed a constant reminder about my impending physical and mental breakdown.

Here are some of the e-mails I've received lately:

"Keys to surviving menopause." (How about keys to surviving the next 10 minutes: not reminding a hormonal, violent woman she is approaching menopause.)

"Are you ready to retire?" (I've been ready since I've started working. But according to my bank account, I have a good 25 years left. Forty-five years if I don't stop buying so many shoes.)

"Is your family protected?" (This one basically tells you that you will soon die, so you should buy more life insurance. Fuck you.)

"Will help arrive if you need it to?" (This one talks about the importance of the little alert necklaces seniors wear so if they fall, and can't get up, they can still call for help. I'm wondering if this could be modified so if you're on the couch, and really comfortable, you can push it and someone brings you more tequila, or some nachos. Cause that would be COOL.)

"Improve your mobility." (This is for seniors who can't get around much, so may need one of those motorized chairs, like you find at the grocery store. I admit that after a 10 hour day in my 4 inch stilettos, this may come in handy, however.)

"Incontinent?" (Seriously, that's all the subject line said. I admit my bladder has been shrinking, but do you really have to slap me in the face with the thought of wearing diapers already? But the scariest thing about this is that when I have to get up to pee at 2 a.m., and am really comfortable and don't want to leave my warm bed for the cold porcelain, I start to think that diapers MAY be a good idea after all. Shudder.)

Sigh ... there are more, but quite frankly, a woman my age gets tired typing this much. I think I'm just going to rub some Ben-gay on myself, drink some prune juice, and watch some re-runs of Lawrence Welk. That is, before I die.

WUSSES ...

The last two weeks has brought a lot of rain to Northern California, and with it the incessant whining that we wimpy Californians engage in when we can't see the sun for 15 whole minutes.

I, too, complain about the weather ... mostly because most morons don't know how to drive in the rain, and California roads aren't prepared to handle the rain, therefore creating lakes from the potholes that swallow my small Honda Civic whole.

But there's a limit to my complaining, at least. I mean, really. We live in CALIFORNIA. Have you been to Minnesota lately? Have you had to put chains on your car, or worry about your pipes freezing - let alone your eyeballs freezing? Have you had to spend an hour digging your car out of a snow bank?

It snowed in Baghdad for the first time in recorded history this week, and the people there danced in the streets thinking it was a sign of peace.

If that happened here, there would be mass hysteria as people stockpiled food and started loading their guns, preparing for the Second Coming.

We Californians are just too spoiled. Put some rain boots on and shut up already.

STORY ...

A 10-year-old Mexican boy glued himself to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. I'm wondering if I have any glue in the house strong enough to keep me from going to work tomorrow. Cause I could really use another day.

SHOE ...

Again, I'm not an advocate of spending your life savings on shoes. But when I see a designer shoe that takes my breath away, I can't help but share.

These Prada beauties have a floral-heel that reminds me of a wonderful piece of art. And the black peep-toe design make them timeless. They would look divine with a little black dress on a night you feel like making a statement.

I'm not going to tell you how much they are, but if price tags don't scare you, check them out at Neiman-Marcus. If you are strapped for cash after the holidays, or just can't see paying more than $100 for a pair of shoes, simply stare and appreciate, like I do.

Comments

[Veronica]

Incontinent? I am surprised that they only start to come at age 39. I assumed they would peruse the site to see if you have kids and THEN ask. It might be a great reminder for me to do those pesky pelvic floor excercises.

Those shoes...*drools*

[Ree]

Those menopause ones started coming to me about that time.

Oh, and those shoes? hubba hubba hubba. I'll drool from afar though. I just can't see me wearing them walking from the Blue Line to the office or running through the airport.

I have no social life.

[The Super Bongo]

you get much more interesting spam than I do . . . the spam gods think I have a small penis and in serious need of education, debt consolidation, and a new mortgage. sigh.

[witchypoo]

What? You don't get shoe porn spam?
They should have you pegged by now as a shoe freak.

[Marie]

Isn't that Borat's mom?

[zoe]

ha my hubby has been getting stuff from aarp since he turned 35. it cracks me up. i always post it on the fridge. i'm sorry though. i have to disagree with you. shoes are worth your retirement account and then some.

[Daisy]

If you think Nor Cal folks are crazy when it rains, go to San Diego during the ONE day a year that it rains. There are literally hundreds of accidents, people call off work, and build sand bag bunkers in front of their houses.

It is just WATER people!