NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS I CAN KEEP

It's that dreaded time of year again ... the time of year when you resolve to fix all that is wrong in your life by making resolutions that you can never realistically keep.

My resolutions for the past 20 years have all been very similar. Lose weight. Be healthier. Save money. Stop buying so many shoes. Be nicer to people. Blah blah blah. All very impossible goals for me, I've found. I might as well say I'm going to win a million dollars, start a career as a super model, and win the Nobel Peace Prize. All these stupid resolutions do is make me feel bad when come January 2, I've already eaten an entire carton of Ben and Jerry's, purchased a pair of Manolo Blahnik's, and randomly told someone off at the grocery store who accidentally pushed their cart into mine. Fucker deserved it though ... they should have paid more attention.

So this year, I'm making resolutions I can keep. Sure, they may not go very far in improving my life, or what kind of person I am. But at least I don't have to live with the disappointment and failure. Who needs that anyway?

So here goes ... my not-so-lofty, realistic resolutions for 2008:

* After every carton of Ben and Jerry's, I will eat a Flintstone chewable vitamin in an effort to offset the calories with some B12. Plus, the grape ones are gooooooooood. Especially with vodka.

* I will only buy one pair of shoes per month, unless the month has four Monday's in it, in which I should reward myself for having to endure such a horrific schedule. Anything else would just be sadistic.

* When people piss me off, I will think carefully about what I say before I respond. This way I can be much more eloquent and original about how I tell them to go fuck themselves.

* When I see one of my coworkers struggling, or down in the dumps, I will smile sympathetically at them before I close my office door to avoid hearing them tell me about their troubles.

* When people send me those cute little uplifting e-mails with bunnies and rainbows in them, I will not e-mail them back and tell them to stop sending me such stupid shit. I will, however, sign them up to receive free e-mails from every porn site I know. And that's a lot of porn.

* When faced with a choice between only having enough money in my bank account for vegetables or tequila, I will buy the vegetables. I will then charge the tequila on a credit card.

* When people's children annoy me by putting their snot on me, screaming at me, or just being obnoxious, I will not get mad at the children. I will, however, get mad at their parents and smack them hard for raising such brats.

* For every grease-soaked food (like nachos, fried chicken, or french fries) I eat, I will drink a bottle of red wine, since studies show that red wine reduces your chance of stroke from eating all that grease.

* When people try to hug me, I will not step back in disgust or run away in terror. I will instead explain to them that I have Leprosy and am extremely contagious.

* I will blog every day so my readers always have something fresh to read. Except of course, if I'm too drunk to type, sleeping off a box of doughnuts, or am avoiding the cops and don't have time to blog because I'm on the run and I don't have Internet service. Which happens more often than you think.

I'm sure I'll think of more to add to this list later. But it's a start. I think most of them are pretty doable too - if I just put my mind to it. After all, we can all change the world. But who needs the stress?

Happy New Year!

Comments

[moooooog35]

At least I'll know who the Hell is slapping me in the face when I have my kids out of the house.

This is if I keep my resolution to let them out of the house in the first place.

Ungrateful little shits.

[witchypoo]

Them's some high-falutin resolutions, woman.

[The Super Bongo]

god, I love you

[HeyJoe]

Believe it or not, I told myself I'd start to "work out" this year. I even found my old weight bench/weights at my folks house. To date, they are still AT my folks house. Yes, I'm right on schedule.

[Daisy]

I am going to give you a BIG hug the next time I see you. Plus, I'll bring my kids along after hopping them up on sugar and bring you lots of vegan food items to munch on. Happy New Year!