DON'T BURST MY BUBBLE

It takes me a long time to warm up to people I don't know. Hell, it takes me a long time to warm up to people I DO know.

In fact, it has been only recently that I've allowed my mother to hug me. I figured after 39 years, and that whole raising me and nurturing me thing, I'd throw the woman a bone.

Still, she's only allowed one 3-second embrace every other week. Anything more has to be negotiated ahead of time, in writing, and after being reviewed by my lawyers. We don't need to go overboard, after all.

So you can understand that I become EXTREMELY uncomfortable when people I don't know get too close to me. Yet my personal space seems to be something that strangers LOVE to violate more and more - a disturbing trend that has led me to consider never leaving my house again. At least not without a bubble.

The last time it happened was at a sandwich shop. I was in line getting my sandwich, and there was no one else behind me. For some reason, however, this mammoth of a man decided that he needed to stand so close to me in line that I felt like I should hand him a condom. I could FEEL him breathing on me, smell his cheep cologne. His size cast a shadow on me that was oppressive. He was obviously in a hurry, which is why he felt it necessary to be so close. But by crawling all up into me his sandwich was not being made any faster.

At one point, I turned to him and asked him not to stand so close. After looking at me like *I* was the freak, he stepped back. But just three seconds later he was breathing down my neck again, seemingly oblivious that he was again in my personal space without an invitation. By the end of the encounter, I felt like I needed to go home and shower. Or possibly throw up. I definitely was in no mood to eat my sandwich.

And this is not an isolated incident. At the bank machine the other day, a woman stood so close to me I could feel her boobs touching my back. WTF? I felt like I was in some lesbian porn movie. I also asked her to back up, not just for my personal space, but for my personal privacy. She didn't need to see my PIN number, or my bank account balance. And I know I didn't need to feel her cup size. Yet, she also had the nerve to be annoyed with me. The bitch actually rolled her eyes when I asked for some space. I had to resist the urge to slap her hard enough to make them roll onto the floor. Maybe then I'd get some breathing room as she chased blindly after them.

At a recent holiday party, I had another guy who kept leaning in and talking into my nostrils. He was so close I could see his fillings. I tried backing up, but he just stepped forward again. Take a fucking hint, asshole ... when I've moved away from you to the point I'm almost in the parking lot, it's because I don't want you in my face. Back the fuck off.

But perhaps the most common place I have my personal space violated is the women's bathroom. For some reason, women who are perfect strangers feel that if they are in the john with me, it qualifies me to be their new best friend. I've even had women I don't know look over the stall at me to strike up a conversation as I tried to pee. That is just wrong, and I think should even be illegal. Just because my bladder and your bladder are on the same schedule does not mean we should get matching BFF bracelets. You don't need to hug me to celebrate you have just pissed either, or stroke my hair while asking me what conditioner I use as I stand at the sink washing my hands. Just do your business, and let me do mine. And try not to touch me while you're at it.

All I'm asking is for two-square-feet of personal space and some uninterrupted time to pee. Is that so wrong? Are people so desperate for physical contact - for ANY type of human interaction - they are just taking it anywhere they can get it - even if it's at Quiznos or Wells Fargo? Can't they just buy a dog, and leave the rest of us alone?

Comments

[HeyJoe]

Can I assume you don't want to join my Friends Who Pee Together club?

[Ree]

Snirk. Someone was doing that to me in the cafeteria line the other day. An elbow (accidentally, of course) when I turned around seemed to move her back a few paces.

Apologizing profusely, "I didn't realize you were standing so close."

It only could have been better if I had knocked her jumbo-sized Coke out of her hand.

[The Super Bongo]

OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!

There is a waiter at a local eatry who likes to hover OVER people while he takes their order . . . I've tried the extreme lean away from him but it didn't work. What did work was for me to twist with some force with my elbow out . . . which racked him . . . he now stands on the opposite side of the table from me when he takes my order.

I give you all kinds of permission to harm people in the no-nos if they stand too close . . . heh heh. Just make it look like an accident or they will get their revenge . . . bastards

[Kathy]

"..this mammoth of a man decided that he needed to stand so close to me in line that I felt like I should hand him a condom."

Hilarious post! New to your blog. I can't believe I didn't find it sooner. It's right up my alley. I kinda complain a lot on mine. I consider it therapy.

[witchypoo]

@Super Bongo: Never, ever, piss off anybody who will handle your food. Really.
Cookiebitch: You've done it again! Packed with the funny. Going to give you some humor-blogs love.

[Veronica]

I am so there with you! Why do they need to be so freaking close?

[tanya]

that was hilarious!!!! Mind if I drop by your blog often?

[scriggle]

I think the sandwich shop guy followed me home the other night. I was coming home from a friends house after midnight, so there wasn't a bunch of traffic, and I swear the car was about 2 inches from my tail! It was kinda freaking me out ... I don't get why people do that either. I'm all about the personal space. And I promise never to talk to you while you pee.

[Politically Blonde]

Sad, but so totally true. Of course, that's why God invented pepper spray.

[moooooog35]

Next time someone does this to you, just reach down and hold their hand.

Then say something like:

"My psychic TOLD me that my soulmate would brush up against me. You must be it. I like beans."

You can do this with a man OR a woman.

They'll back off.

If they don't, then maybe they really ARE your soulmate.

Take THAT, E-Harmony!

[ie]

You know when you're standing in line and people keep cutting in front of you? That's because you are actually leaving a "personal space" in front of you. I get tweaked cuz everyone is cutting in front of me, but it's better than intimately counting the guy in front of me's back hair with my nipples!

Give us some breathing room people!
Oh and btw, I AM a hugger, but I promise not to hug you in the ladies room...

[juneyor]

ok so this is kind of gross. ok so really gross. well i have this amazing ability to puke on command. and I've only had to do it once, but lets just say that the guy at the bank who likes to stand a little to close sees me and walks out instantly now.

[zoe]

i can not stand to have some one breathe on me. even my hubby. sometimes it's ok for the kids. but only sometimes. i also do not like people i do not know or do not like to touch me.

[rebecca]

wow.. some people are really ignorant of other people's personal space, but i haven't had such experiences like yours. perhaps not showering might help... but then again you might just attract the bad-smelling personal-space-invaders. bah!!

[Kelley]

I'm a toucher. I will touch you. But your post freaked me out a little and made me feel a little sick, so I will ask permission first next time.

And try not to breast someone at the ATM. Cause that is just wrong.

And the bathroom? Oh don't get me started. I have done TWO posts in the last month about freaks in the bathroom!

[Daisy]

I can't wait to give you a BIG hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek!

I just don't understand why people feel they can behave in public bathrooms the way they do in their bathrooms at home. For example, how dare someone get mad at me for questioning them on why they were washing pants in a sink at work that they pissed in while serving food. SO GROSS!

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

My Dad just cuts a big fart for anyone who annoys him on a plane. He actually leans so it goes their way when they won't take notice of the book he is reading or the fact that his eyes have remained closed for more than a minute. He uses the same technique for those bang the backs of his ankles with the shopping cart in the check- out line. If the person also happens to mistake the check-out line for a real live chat room, he squats when he does it.

I can't wait to turn 80.