DON'T FORGET TO READ THE LABEL

I got this text message from my niece recently:

"This SUPER cute photographer followed me around all freakin' night last night. This morning I find out he has a girlfriend. WTF?? I think we should start marking all the attached men with a sticker, or label, or something - like they did with the Jews."

Hmmmm ... interesting idea, I thought. Although I am not an advocate of racial or religious profiling - I am an advocate for stupid or asshole profiling. You know - for the betterment of society.

Just think how much easier life could be if cheating husbands or boyfriends had a label on their forehead that read "Can't keep his dick in his pants." It would save so much heartache around the world. Granted, some stupid women would still probably sleep with the bastards - but maybe they should have a label on their forehead too - something that said "Bimbo" or "Will put out for food - or even cheap coffee from a vending machine."

Looking back on my dating years, I can think of how a labeling system would have really saved me a lot of time and effort. For example, If the mailman had been labeled "puppy killer," or the guy who liked to scream out "I'm fucking you I'm fucking you" during sex came with a "states the obvious at inappropriate times" label, I could have maybe read a good book or watched a movie instead. But alas, that's time I will never get back, because there was no labeling system to save me.

There's other labels that I think single women like my niece would also find very helpful - like "Hamster penis," or "just released from prison," or "mamma's boy." You can also save yourself lots of confusion later by avoiding getting romantically involved with men labeled "likes to sing show tunes and has an obsession with shelf-paper" - although they do make good shopping companions.

But I don't want to be sexist. I have lots of single male friends too who have just as many challenges as women do when dating. For them, I would suggest that women be also labeled appropriately. For example, there would be the "trying to get pregnant to trap a man" label, the "just wants to take all your money and run" label or the ever popular "once married, will never put out again" label.

Even in work, the labeling system could be a huge help. Imagine if when starting a new job you could be instantly alerted to the company politics with some simple Post-It note labels on your coworkers forehead. You could avoid being let down by "never meets a deadline," take the big project away from "snorts coke at lunch time" and notify HR about "gave the boss a blow job in exchange for a promotion." You wouldn't have to pretend to take "likes to photo copy his butt" seriously and you could decide not to promote "makes her assistant do all her work" without feeling guilty.

When your daughter brings home a boyfriend with the label "plans to live in his parents basement until he's 40" you can feel good about throwing his lazy ass out to the curb and forbidding her to see him again. Or when your accountant appears with a label "trying to rape you for as much money as possible and then flee to Mexico" you can fire her ass.

The labeling system could also be as simple as just alerting us as to who the "stupid dumb asses" of the world are so we can avoid them at the mall, or at the bank, or at the grocery store. My suggestion is to color code these labels too, maybe a bright neon color, so you don't have to get close to read them and can have plenty of warning.

I would also suggest putting labels on cars based on the ability of the drivers. A bright yellow label across the side of a car would mean "Caution - never uses his turn signal" while a bright red label may indicate "DANGER - 90 years old and can't see over the steering wheel anymore."

Of course, there is a trap to all this labeling - and that is that I would run the risk of being labeled too. I can only imagine what my label would be - "Cynical, bitchy corporate whore with a shoe fetish and strange fascination with midgets" is probably the obvious one. But that's a little too long to fit on my forehead. Maybe I'll settle for something short and sweet, like "Don't piss her off."

XXX

Generate your own warning labels by going here.

Comments

[Marie]

People would never willingly generate such labels themselves, but you could always make some and slap them on their backs.

[witchypoo]

How about favicons for bloggers?
Maybe a yawn for "Thar be memes here"

[Otir]

Your niece should still know that the Jews were "labeled" for who they were, and not for what they were doing or had done.

[Chantal]

I could have used a street sign saying "danger! rainbow colored leggings coming up!" this morning.

heck I could have used a tap on the shoulder. i would have gladly welcomed the touch that would normally make me cringe

that sh*t was f*cking bad

[Ree]

The link is great!!!

And, of course, so is your take on the asshattedness we're surrounded by.

[punchlinewalking]

I wish there was a label for "can't go for more than two mintues without talking about the lord our saviour."

[zoe]

OMG! i soo wish the hamster penis warning could be put in play. nothing like meeting the man of your dreams. holding out for the perfect moment and then...wtf???? there should also be one that says "2 minute brother". btw...why'd ya have to go there with the midgets??? ya know it creeps me out!

[Rebecca]

best idea! i think the only label i need for guys is "will cheat on you"... that one would've saved me a lot of time :/

[Melain]

OMG, so funny. You are a shameless smart ass and I love it!

[Veronica]

I can just imagine labelling my DH.

'Does dishes.'
'Puts rubbish out without being asked.'
'Sleeps too much and then whines he is tired.'

I would hate to think what I would be labelled though.

[moooooog35]

I shun to think of the label I'd have to wear.

I'm guessing it would have chapters.

Yours truly,

Hamster penis.

[Kim]

Ha! I laughed so hard I got diet soda all over my keyboard. Perhaps my label should be "spews soda when laughing?"

I found your blog courtesy of the Great Interview Experiment. You're on my blog roll now.

[lceel]

LMAO,ROFL,RRFF(really,really fucking funny) and last but not least OMGICSLSRHTNOTH (Oh, my God, I can't stop laughing, she really hit the nail on the head) in a vain attempt to keep this short and sweet.

[jenny]

i'm printing some labels right now. oh yeah.

[Daisy]

What the fuck is with you and the midgets?

Don't even get me started on the labels I'd need....ok here's one….‘crazy employee, will put his dick on a customer's windshield.’

Seriously.