WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS EVER

One of the best things about Christmas is giving awesome presents and maybe receiving a few too.

It's an incredible feeling to see someone's face light up when they open a gift and see that it is JUST WHAT THEY WANTED - and to know that you found just the right thing to make them smile. Almost as good, but not quite, is the feeling that you get when you open a gift someone special picked out for you, and you realize they really REALLY know you, and took the time to get you something that you would absolutely LOVE.

Yes, a gift can say a lot. It can say "I love you," "you are special," or "thanks for being in my life." But it can also say "I'm a moron," "I didn't put any thought into what you like and really don't care," or simply "Fuck you."

One of the reasons I am my niece's favorite aunt is that her other aunt, on the other side of the family, is a complete moron when it comes to buying gifts. One Christmas, my niece received an old battered margarine tub with loose change in it. Now that's a gift that says "I forgot you even existed, so here, have my change jar."

This was not an isolated incident. This woman also was quite fond of going to Value Village and buying old tattered T-shirts with sweat stains on them, wrapping them up for my niece, and then bragging about how she only paid 10 cents a piece for them. In this case, her gifts were saying "I'm a cheap bitch who thinks that all you are worth is a dime." Little did she know that my niece was donating them right back to Value Village come Dec. 26.

But perhaps the present that sticks out in my niece's mind the most was the collection of old troll dolls that she got for Christmas when she was 16. Because nothing expresses being a young woman like ugly plastic dolls with colored fun-fur hair, does it? I have to give the other aunt some credit though, as the present DID remind my niece of the person giving it to her as she resembles a scary looking troll. And I remember my niece and I took great pleasure in finding new ways to destroy the troll dolls when she showed them to me that year. Let's just say that the smell of burning troll hair is not pleasant, but that they do make a satisfying "crunch" sound when you run them over with a car.

I have received a few bad presents in my day, as well. And I'm sorry to say that my most recent experiences getting bad gifts have involved my mother. My mom ... who for the record is one of the nicest women in the world (so how she gave birth to me is still a mystery), has slowly lost her gift-giving ability over the years. While her gifts used to show thought behind them, they have become increasingly weird as she has gotten older.

Part of the problem is my mom's recent addiction to QVC. She has QVC playing on her TV for HOURS listening to people with fake smiles and sing-song voices peddling useless shit. And she just can't resist the lure of useless shit when it is 30 percent off and includes FREE SHIPPING! If there was a Betty Ford wing for QVC addictions, I'd drag my mom there for rehab. But there isn't, so I just grimace and hold my breath as I tear off the wrapping paper revealing the QVC box holding the matching set of fondue forks or the electronic yogurt maker.

One year, one of the first in my marriage, she gave my husband and I matching Mickey Mouse sweatshirts. Let me just repeat that ... MATCHING MICKEY MOUSE SWEATSHIRTS. Now, dear readers of Cookiebitch, you did not give birth to me nor did you raise me, and in most cases you don't even know me, but I'm just guessing here that even you would not think that my Christmas wish would be to wear Disney characters on my chest and dress exactly like my husband as if we were 80, living in Florida, and had lost all sense of individuality and bladder control.

Yet my mother supposedly does know me, or at least has spent enough time with me she SHOULD know me, so this gift was clearly telling me that she had lost her mind and needed to be checked into a home.

I didn't check her into a home, because my mother is also a very strong woman, and has a vicious right hook. But the problem isn't getting any better, either. This year, she sent me a HUGE box of candy apples - also from QVC. I hate candy apples, and my husband and step-son have ADD and need to stay away from sugar. This gift was screaming "REGIFT ME" from the moment it arrived.

My mom has also has developed another habit of giving me ENORMOUS gifts when I go home to visit her that I have to carry back on the plane. It is not easy to fit a a bean bag chair in an overhead compartment, let me tell you. And the other passengers tend to get angry at you when you thwak them in the back of the head with it as you struggle down the aisle.

The thing is, I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings and seem like an ungrateful bitch, so I just keep thanking her for these horrible gifts, and I keep receiving them. And that's the REAL problem with most bad gift-givers. No one has the balls to tell them that they suck, so they continue to waste money on CRAP every year that will end up taking up space in a landfill.

I know Christmas is supposed to be about GIVING and not RECEIVING ... so I'd like to GIVE some advice to all those people this year who may think that thrift store items and chia pets are the best gift ideas ever ... get a gift card instead.

XXX

What's the worst gift you've ever received? Let me know so I don't feel so alone!

Comments

[witchypoo]

When I was 16, knee-high leather boots were all the rage at my school. That was all I asked for that Christmas. My father had bought himself a pair of hunting boots and wrapped them up to fool me. I was so mad I put them on and wore them outside. I wouldn't give them back to him, either.

[moooooog35]

I've received:

1) A musical shark, mounted, that played the "Jaws" theme song

2) A star. Yes...a star. A piece of paper that says somewhere, out there, is a flaming ball of blazing gas (not unlike myself) named "Rowdy" (my former nickname).

[Lisa]

My Dad used to collect coupons from his cigarette cartons and redeem them for fabulous gifts. I think one year I got a steling silver dog food scoop of sorts. That put me over the edge. So I told him our house was too small for things we weren't using and would he mind if I told him exactly what I wanted. He didn't mind in the least. As a matter of fact, it gave him quite a lot of pleasure to give me what I asked for. Now my Dad is gone and it is nice to have stuff around that reminds me of him that is valued. Food for thought.....afterall it is our parents job to bring us into this world, screw us up and then die. There are so many other things that we could bitch about, eh? Happy Holidays!

[Chelsea]

My husband's Aunt went to Wales, for Christmas I got a hotel shower cap and shampoo bottle. They were from Wales but nothing says I totally forgot you or just don't like you like hotel toiletries.

[Kath]

For my wedding I got a capiz shell platter. Complete with food stains. And leftover food specks. And a greasy scummy price tag on the bottom that was never removed.

[tammy]

My MIL is THE worst gift giver on the whole. She has redeemed herself twice in my 15 years of being in the family. The worst thing she got me would be a toss up between the two inch by two inch christmas ornaments she purchased from Gabriel Brothers (read: 5&dime) or the 6 to 8 glass pyrex bowls that had no meaning. The ornaments were in a tattered looking box and had a tarnished look about them. They were fruit. 6 pieces of fruit. Now granted they were a representation of "The fruit of the Spirit" not the Fruit of the Loom. I know she was trying to get me something thoughtful that she thought I would like, but wow, she missed it. The pyrex bowls? Not sure what that was about. They seemed really random and very inappropriate. Her redemption moment came the one year she bought me a Kitchen Aid Stand mixer. I was all, like, who are you and where did Norma go? I remind her almost 2-3 times a year how much I love that thing. i hope that QVC goes under for your benefit! Merry Christmas and happy gift giving! Tammy

[Val Cox]

these are great! I love the image of the beanbag chair in the overhead compartment, classic! Val

[clyde]

12 years old. 8 weeks shy of 13th birthday. time to teach clyde a lesson. when my stocking was hung but limp, i knew something was up. everyone else's was bursting. only one box under the tree had my name on it. unwrapped. i was told to open it first before anyone got to open theirs. unfuckingbelievable. a piece of fucking coal. at least it was anthracite and not bituminous. the "why" speech afterward never quite sunk in.

[Cookiebitch]

I feel like sending each of you a candied apple, just because anything is better than the crap you described here.
Thanks for your comments. I hope to god you get better crap this year.

[juneyor]

My dad never bought me and my brother x-mas gifts. my mom did and wrote his name on the card(like we didn't notice the handwriting) well one year my dad got tanked and decided he'd go to the mall and shop for us kids. now my mother was with him and i still have no clue as to why she let this happen. well x-mas morning comes and my brother opens his present, a nice black leather jacket. you know the non shiny ones you could wear with anything. so thing are looking good so far. well i open mine and first thing i could think of was thriller. my dad got me a bright red leather jacket except this one only had 15 zippers in random places. then he leans over and whispers " you're the weird one so i figured you'd like it"

[Daisy]

This year, my worst gift was an dirty, opened, half used, expired Costco size tub of Country Time Lemonade. I'm not really sure if it was supposed to say 'Fuck You!' or 'I forgot to take my special happy pill today.' I mean who even bothers to carefully wrap and ribbon such a gift?