SCENES FROM A HOSPITAL

SCENE 1: PRE-OP – AS A HUSBAND WAITS TO HAVE SHOULDER SURGERY, A SELFLESS WIFE TRIES TO TAKE HIS MIND OFF THE SITUATION

Wife: That blue paper shower cap and blue paper booties are really turning me on babe.

Husband: And don’t forget about the gown. Nothing oozes sex more than a hospital gown.

Wife: At least it’s not paper. And that festive little print on it is kind of nice. It sort of puts me in a partying mood, like we should be drinking margaritas and listening to a mariachi band. Speaking of, is there a bar in this hospital?

Husband: It’s 6:30 in the morning babe.

Wife: So?

Husband: I’m about to get cut open and you want to get your drink on?

Wife: I don’t understand why hospitals don’t have bars … if there’s any time you need a drink, it’s when you are at the hospital. It just doesn’t make sense to me. In fact, they should put an honor bar in every hospital room. Just think of the revenue they could generate – it would be enough to reduce health insurance rates across the nation! I’m telling you, that’s what’s wrong with the health-care system. They just don’t think out of the box.

Husband: <sigh> I just can’t take you anywhere. Not even to surgery.

Wife: Sure you can. By the way, what are you wearing under that gown? Are you COMPLETELY naked?

Husband: Don’t get any ideas.

Wife: I wonder if I just slip my hand under here like this, and start rubbing like this, if I can make your heart rate monitor alarm go off.

Husband: NURSE!

Wife: Hey … I’m just trying to be a supportive wife.

Husband: Do me a favor, babe. Stop supporting me.

SCENE 2: AN ANESTHESIOLOGIST AND YOUNG DOCTOR COME OVER TO GET INFORMATION FROM THE HUSBAND BEFORE SURGERY.

Anesthesiologist: Do you smoke?

Husband: Yes. About a pack a day.

Anesthesiologist: How long have you smoked?

Husband: About 20 years.

Anesthesiologist: And you’re 45?

Husband: Yes.

Young doctor: You really should stop you know. It’s going to really start hitting you as you get closer to 50. That’s when you’re going to start going downhill fast.

Husband: Isn’t that true even if I don’t smoke?

Wife: Don’t listen to him, honey. These damned young ones are always so quick to make fun of the old folks. (Turning to young doctor) I bet you torture grannies too, don’t you – give them enemas when they don’t need it?

Young doctor: (Looking apologetic) That’s not what I meant …

Wife: Yah, sure. You just wait sonny – you may think you have the world ahead of you right now, but someday you’ll be old too, and someone will be shoving something up your ass you don’t need, and then we’ll see whose all judgmental, won’t we?

Anesthesiologist: (Looking annoyed) Okay, moving on. Do you drink?

Husband: Yes, in moderation.

Wife: (Turning to young doctor) You have something to say about THAT, Mr. Granny Abuser?

Young doctor: (Half chuckling) Nope … not going to touch that one, since I like a cocktail myself.

Wife: (Turning to husband) Great … the doctor’s a drunk honey. You’re doomed.

(Turning back to young doctor with hope in her eyes) Hey, since you’re a lush, you probably know where the nearest bar is don’t you?

Husband: (shaking head) I’m sorry. I tried to get her to stay home, but she insisted on coming.

SCENE 3: A NURSE COMES OVER TO EXPLAIN THE PROCEDURE

Nurse: As soon as your doctor signs off on your paperwork, I’ll be giving you something to relax you, and then give you some oxygen. After that, we’ll wheel you into surgery.

Wife: Can I have something too?

Nurse: What?

Wife: Well, why should he have all the fun? I want some Happy Juice too! And I know you must have plenty of oxygen tanks lying around. Come on now, don’t be stingy.

Nurse: I’m sorry ma’am, but we reserve the drugs and oxygen for the actual PATIENTS.

Wife: First you don’t have a bar, now you won’t give me oxygen. What kind of customer service is this? I’m writing a letter … Common honey, this place blows.

Husband: Screw you, I’m staying. I want my Happy Juice.

Wife: Man, you are so selfish when you are about to go under the knife.

Husband: Yah, I’m a total asshole. Now where’s my oxygen?

(A short time later, after the Happy Juice is administered to the husband and the oxygen is flowing freely)

Husband: Honey?

Wife: Yah, babe.

Husband: This is a pretty good day.

Wife: Is that the Happy Juice talking?

Husband: No … well, maybe. But think about it. I got the day off work, free drugs, and I get to hang out with you.

Wife: Awww … I love you too, babe.

Comments

[clyde]

i was 41 when i left my colon on a medical waste dump. got re-sectioned so i don't have to shit in a bag. i waited so long to go into surgery that they wheeled me over to recovery to wait more. i took a nap, and awoke post-op. nobody gave me a handjob while i waited. i don't think so at least. you're my hero.

[HeyJoe]

Aww, that's such a sweet, un-bitch like story, booze and handjob reference aside.

And to Clyde: gross

[The Super Bongo]

Ain't love grand? And, you just may have something with the in-room honor bar. It would also weed out the fakers. If you can finish it, and hold it, you ain't that sick.

[moooooog35]

Nothing says love like a handjob in a johnny.

This is why I require my prostitutes to dress like nurses.

[Daisy]

I am going to go and throw up now.