... OF THE WEEK

ANNOYANCE ...

All the obnoxious guys who stand at sales "kiosks" at the mall and try to grab you and pull you in to hear about their latest hand lotion, neck massager, or cell phone plan. When did going to the mall start resembling a trip to Tijuana with the stands of useless crap and the fast-talking sales pitches?

Walking from Macy's to Penney's is now like running a gauntlet, with a cacophony of "Ma'am, if you come here I'll show you how you can look younger," and "I can change your life if you just come here and look at this (fill in the blank)."

The WORST is when they suck up to you to try to suck you in. The other day I had to run by the mall to pay a bill. I hadn't showered, was wearing tattered sweats, had my 8-year-old glasses on instead of my contacts, and no make-up. In short, if I had been in a beauty contest competing with a pile of dog shit, the dog shit would have won.

I'm trying to walk as quickly as possible to the store I need to pay my bill at, when this guy who clearly thinks he's God's gift steps in front of me.

"May I just tell you something for a minute?" he says, flashing a set of pure white teeth. "You have the most beautiful hair I've ever seen. I mean really ... you could be a model with that hair - are you a model? You know, the only thing that would make it even more stunning would be if you used this special hair brush here ... "

I cut him off. I hadn't been given such a line of shit since I was single and had drunk men in bars desperately trying to get into my pants before last call. This guy was also trying to get into my pants, but he wanted my wallet, not my coochie.

"Do I look stupid to you?" I asked him. He tried to reply, but I wouldn't let him. "Or are you stupid? It has to be one or the other, because you either think I'm so dense that I would fall for such an apparent weak and poorly executed lie, or you are so stupid as to believe that ANY woman would fall for that lie. I mean, seriously, you had to use the word "model?" I'm 38 fucking years old, and am the weight of a whole fucking PACK of models about to have their period. My hair right now could fuel an SUV if I rang out the grease in it. I think I even kind of smell. So just back off and see if you can find someone who has had a recent blow to the head and may believe you."

He has never bothered me again.

GOOGLE SEARCHES ...

Here are some of my favorite ways people came to Cookiebitch this week as they were searching for something on Google:

"Crotch roll of fat" - Um, I know that fat can pretty much appear everywhere, but your CROTCH? That sounds like a medical condition, my friend. How do you have sex with a crotch full of blubber? Do you have to move it over, pin it up somehow? You have my sympathies. Also, thanks to you, I went to the gym today. I'm not taking any chances.

"My kid is masturbating and I want it to STOP!" - I know you do. I had the same reaction when I heard my step son was touching himself. But really ... this is your problem, not his. Would you rather he touch himself now, or go all Ted Bundy as he gets older because he has NOT touched himself ENOUGH and is taught his body is bad. Teach him to do his own laundry, and never enter his bedroom without knocking first. You'll be fine, just do what I do. Drink more.

"Hamster in my vagina" - Oh. My. God. You fucking freak! What in the hell did you put a hamster in your vagina for? Is there a little wheel in there too? Did your boyfriend just casually mention it over breakfast and you thought it may be a good idea? And how did you get it in there? Even more importantly, how did you get it out? WAIT! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! All I can say is that it scares the hell out of me that you came HERE looking for answers. Because THIS vagina if definitely rodent free, and will be for as long as it has a brain attached to it. Please ... for the love of god ... keep the hamsters away from your privates!

SHOE ...

This is not so much as a shoe as it is a work of art. And I am not normally an advocate of buying expensive shit when cheap shit will do. BUT ... if you already have a lot of shoes and only really need to buy one pair this year, or if it is a special occasion in which you want to feel AMAZING, these Christian Laboutin La Donna Mary Jane Pumps are I-T. Looking at them it is clear these are not you regular shoes. They are SPECTACULAR. And while they are $600, they will make you feel like a MILLION BUCKS. Check them out at Neiman Marcus.

Comments

[Daisy]

Or, how about the hair straightening kiosk? I already HAVE straight hair! Do they really need to stalk me and paw at me as I pass by to try to get me to buy something that I don't even need?!