... OF THE WEEK

REALIZATION ...

Marriage is to say "I know you, and I love you anyway." In my marriage, that has become our mantra as we come to realize that no one else in the universe would put up with either of us, or our shit.

This is especially true when it comes to our sleeping habits. My husband complains that I snore like a goose, altho my step-son argues that the noise amplified through my sinuses sounds more like a Yeti. For the longest time I didn't believe either of them, as they both have a pension for exaggeration and for poking fun at me. The fact that my husband snores extremely loudly and can sleep through the Second Coming made me believe him even less. Until ...

One Sunday afternoon I was on the couch watching football. It had been a long week, and I was also fighting a cold. So I drifted off to sleep, only to wake myself up 15 minutes later with a resounding "HOOOOOONK." Oh my god ... I did sound like a goose! Suddenly, I had the urge to fly south for the winter, and attack tourists in the park. How embarrassing! My husband just laughed. At least now I understood his pain, and that's all he wanted.

I've also been known to do other annoying things in my sleep, however. For example, once and awhile, and for no reason I can figure out, I scream in my sleep. This causes my husband great distress, as he bolts awake, ready to attack whatever is the source of my terror. When he realizes there's nothing there, he shakes me awake, at which time I sleepily look at him, somewhat confused as to what all the fuss is all about, and then roll over and go back to sleep. Meanwhile, my husband's heart is still beating out of his chest and it takes him an hour to go back to sleep. Yet amazingly, he does not smother me with his pillow.

Perhaps the reason my husband gives me some leeway is that he also has some interesting sleeping habits. He tends to talk and walk in his sleep, holding complete conversations and acting out scenarios without any knowledge of it the next day. In short, my husband doesn't just dream, he acts out his dreams.

One night, I heard him yelling something about "taking a hill." I woke up and sat up in bed to find him also sitting up in bed, looking intently into the dark like he had seen something he didn't like. Suddenly, he grabbed the side of my head and shoved it back into my pillow. "Sniper!" he yelled at me. "Get down!" He began mimicking firing back at an invisible enemy, so I tried to get up again. "Get down!" he yelled as he again shoved my head back into the pillow. "I'll cover you. I don't want you getting hurt." I had to laugh. For the next 5 minutes every time I tried to sit up (admittedly, to fuck with him), he did the same thing, getting increasingly agitated that I was putting myself in danger. And for the life of me, although I was irritated I couldn't get back to sleep, I found it endearing. I mean, at least he didn't use me as a human shield, or go tell me to go stand in front of a tank, or to check for land mines. If that had been the case, we would have REALLY needed to talk.

QUOTE ...

"Sometimes, when I'm cold, I like to fart because it warms up my underpants." A friend of a friend said this the other day, eliciting roars of laughter. Sadly though, the person who said it didn't do so for a laugh. They were dead fucking serious. I only hope he doesn't realize that pissing or shitting oneself can also warm up your underpants. Someone needs to educate this guy about thermal underwear.

SHOE ...

I'm going back to a favorite designer here ... Carlos Santana. This gorgeous bronze beauty, called Powerhouse, also comes in silver and is a must-have for winter, with the bling bling detailing on the top and closed toe. It's special enough for a special occasion, but neutral enough to go with everything and conservative enough for work. And at $98.99, that versatility is a bargain. Carlos, you are a GOD.

Check them out at Shoes.com. And just FYI, I'm a size 9.

Comments

[Val Cox]

Classic, I love the way you turn phrases! Val

[Miss J]

Oh my. This made me laugh out loud. My guy has exhibited similar bizarre behavior before. In his sleep. Thank heavens it's not just me living with this kind of nonsense.

[clyde]

i think, dear, that you need to step back and drawn together some threads here. the resulting mosaic is rather menacing. to wit ... your husband is still fighting the war (i pray, as twisted as it sounds, that he actually had combat time - if this is all based in watching band of brothers, then don't finish reading this comment - just LEAVE). you, knowing of his trauma, cannot deal with the reality while awake. your inner-goose comes out upon occasion, signaling time to V up with your buddies at 3,000 feet. at times, when your I-G knows she is grounded and looks to her right, sensing him close by, she borrows your vocal cords and screams not unlike that guy in midnight express. it is, all in all, your flight instincts trying to get you to leave.

the turmoil you feel, and perhaps this is the underlying reason for your deep anger, lies in your step-son's comments: the yeti. yetis opt for the former in fight or flight. yetis eat geese.

my thoughts are with you. that'll be $100. credit cards accepted.

[moooooog35]

My friend's father had a dream that he was some secret agent going into a house to retrieve a briefcase, when he was attacked by a guard dog.

He then began punching the guard dog.

..which was..in actuality...his wife.

Then there was the time I fell asleep on the couch and had the dream about having sex with the unkempt prostititue.

My dog has never forgiven me.

[Lisa]

The logic escapes me...... I just can't picture a woman that snores like a goose and enjoys farting jokes that wants what kind of gold colored shores shoes????? Sounds like an algebraic equation gone wrong. though your thoughts on marriage were touching....I make greeting cards and I may just use that in one someday....

sure hope you aren't wearing those high heals when you are wrastlin" with those kitties....

[Daisy]

My bother sleepwalks and pees in bath tubs, regardless of where he is or who's tub it is. Don't tell him I told you.