KNOW YOUR LIMITS

This week I have to take mandatory sexual harassment training for my company. This will be about the eighth time I've taken sexual harassment training in one job or another, and I can pretty much say without reservation that I am now an expert on how to sexually harass anyone, under any circumstance.

Given that I manage all women (although I will admit they are all hot women,) I doubt I'll have to apply any of my knowledge, though. In fact, if anything, my staff sexually harasses ME, with one woman in particular not having any trouble grabbing my boob or slapping my ass just to throw me off my game. I think it is her way of reminding me that although on paper I'm in charge, I wouldn't be able to find my ass or my boobs without her. I know I should get her to stop and set some limits on her behavior ... but what can I say? She's right.

All this talking and thinking about sexual harassment and limits reminded me of the funniest case of sexual harassment I ever heard about in the work place - a case that involved a nipple-crazed gorilla, who I wrote about back in 2005 when I was still at the newspaper.

Koko, the world-famous sign-language speaking gorilla in Woodside, Calif., apparently did not take any sexual harassment training when she was taught her ABCs. Two of Koko's female caretakers sued their bosses at The Gorilla Foundation, alleging they were pressured to expose their breasts to Koko as a way of "bonding" with the 300-pound beast who reportedly has a nipple fetish. The case was settled out of court.

Now I'm all for bonding. Bonding makes us closer as a society, makes us stronger. Bonding with others is the framework of good mental health. The alternative - a lifetime of not bonding with anyone - usually leads to a high-powered rifle and a starring role on the Six O'clock News. So by all means, share those feelings. Communicate. Get close. You may even want to indulge in some hugging, although don't look at me.

But for the love of all that is decent, know there are limits.

In this case, I would think exposing your nipples to a large, hairy primate who can tear them right off would be crossing most people's limits. At least I would hope so. I know that if my boss told me I had to expose my breasts to a 300-pound gorilla with a nipple fetish or I'd be fired, I would live in my car or work at Hot Dog On a Stick before I let that gorilla feel me up. Because I have LIMITS.

The lawsuit also alleged foundation president Francine "Penny" Patterson, who is also Koko's trainer, once said, "Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples." Now I'm not saying this is true or made up. But it is another example of how it is important to set limits, not just for gorillas, but for people.

For example, Patterson's alleged statement about how Koko could be bored may be applied to men as well. I know husbands can get a little ho-hum about the same ol' same ol' all the time. However, this does not mean wives should invite their friends over to show them their nipples, just to spice things up a little. I know you men out there are all yelling at your computer screens right now, saying "WHY THE HELL NOT?" But think about it this way: If we get bored with your penis, would you be okay bringing some well-hung friend home so we could play with theirs instead? I didn't think so. Because you have LIMITS. And limits are GOOD. Besides, there's always porn.

I think it's also important to note that although Koko has mastered a vocabulary of more than 2,000 signs and has advanced further in language than any other non-human, she is still a gorilla. If a human being, such as a coworker or a boss, asked me to flash them so we could "bond," I would most likely call them a freak, back away carefully and call Human Resources. Because that's what I learned in sexual harassment training. Again, it's that limit thing. But if my cats started telling me to undress for them (although they only know one sign at this point, and that's a yawn), I would take them to be "fixed," if you know what I mean. After all, I'm the human here. The master. The one with opposable thumbs. The person who sets THEIR limits. I decide how we are to "bond" - which is with stuffed mice filled with catnip, not with nipple clamps and olive oil.

Which brings me to the most disturbing part of this lawsuit - Patterson's alleged statement that Koko sees her nipples "all the time." WTF? When, in Koko's training, did Patterson find it necessary to first show Koko her nipples, anyway? Is that standard gorilla curriculum? "L is for lamp, M is for mop, N is for nipples ..." I think not! And how did Patterson find out Koko had a thing for nipples? Did that come out in casual gorilla conversation? And if you knew a gorilla had a thing for nipples, why would you take your top off, several times? Wouldn't that knowledge make you keep your top on, and possibly where a bullet-proof vest? I know I don't want any horny gorillas getting any ideas about my nipples. But then again, I have LIMITS. What kind of sick jungle love is going on here anyway? And why did it seem appropriate for Patterson to share it with her employees, not to mention order them to join in the fun? I'm quite sure that wasn't mentioned in the company handbook.

All I can say is I hope all those folks at the Gorilla Foundation have since taken sexual harassment training, like I have, and learned about LIMITS. And just to make sure Koko isn't too traumatized by having her nipple time cut back, I'm sending her some of my favorite porn. I hope she enjoys it. In the meantime, I'm going to start thinking about setting limits for my ass-grabbing employee too. Although I gotta say, I'm going to miss it.

Comments

[HeyJoe]

Why did I think Koko was already dead? If so, can you send me the porn? I like nipples too. And I won't rip them off, I'll only stroke them and pet them and call them George.

[Cookiebitch]

Koko didn't die. Her buddy, Michael the gorilla, died. Koko is still alive, kicking, and feeling people up. So you'll have to wait to inherit the porn.

[moooooog35]

How does Koko tweak nipples without opposable thumbs?

THAT'S the real question.

[The Super Bongo]

Besides, you wouldn't want your now perfect ass to be dented or mistreated. More, appreciated for its beauty, right?

[witchypoo]

Mmmm nothing like sweet lesbian gorilla nipple love. Not that I would know anything about that. I just have a vivid imagination. Yeah, that's it.

[The Super Bongo]

Oh yeah, um, Gorillas do have thumbs. That's why y'all are in such denial about the whole "human-monkey" thing in the first place . . . the fact other beings actually have thumbs.

[Val Cox]

very funny stories. I love your choice of images to accompany each, classic! Val

[Daisy]

This whole gorilla nipple business is a bit much for me. I feel for the poor HR Manager that had to investigate this claim. If you ever need any sexual harassment stories, let me know.