39 IS THE NEW 59

Today is my birthday. I'm 39.

Don't worry if you forgot to buy me a gift. Your presence here is gift enough. Although if you want to buy me some shoes or vote for my blog, that would be nice too. It's the least you can do, after all, since this is the last official year I can even PRETEND to be young. Soon I will be wearing orthopedic shoes and blogging about the same stuff I did yesterday, because I'll be senile.

I'm actually not one of THOSE WOMEN who obsesses about age. Really. I wouldn't want to go backwards. I was stupid and insecure in my 20s, and just recently have felt really comfortable just being me, and living my life. That's something that only comes with time and experience.

And it is not that 39 is old. My niece tells me all the time that 40 is the new 30. I look at all the incredible looking 40 year-old women out there as proof to that statement, even though I may not be part of their club.

But while I am comfortable with who I am (even the wrinkles that are starting to appear and that mysterious chin hair I found last week doesn't bother me too much), I am also disappointed that I'm not where I want to be yet. To be honest, these days I'm not feeling like 39 is the new 29. I'm feeling more like 39 is the new 59. Most of this is because I've let myself go to shit in the last few years, gaining weight and becoming so sluggish that a trip to the bathroom requires two rest-stops, some oxygen, and an EMT on stand-by. I'm pissed off at myself for this. At this point in my life I should be taking BETTER care of myself. How could I have let this happen?

I also thought at this point I would be more financially secure. I'm better ... much do to the fact that I got a much better job. But I'm still not to the point that I am not having to count down the hours to when my check is directly deposited. I'm still in debt, and still not saving money like I should. Again, at this point in my life I should be doing better with this. I can't retire on the fact I am a snappy dresser, after all.

I have much to be happy about though ... my husband and I are stronger than ever. And with all the pitfalls and insanity that marriage can sometimes bring, that is nothing to say casually. In fact, that is HUGE. We've had our moments like any couple, but we seem to be better for them. I am SO GRATEFUL for that. Because if your personal life isn't together, everything else falls apart too, I believe.

My work is also great. I am incredibly lucky to have found a career I love as much as I loved journalism, but which I can actually make a living at. As much as I make fun of Smurfville, there's a part of me that really enjoys it, as attested to the section of blue clothing I now have in my closet.

I have fantastic friends who remembered today despite my best efforts to have them forget. I was showered with attention ... which hey, you gotta admit isn't bad under any circumstance. And they made me realize how lucky I am to have so many people who care, when so many people just don't give a shit.

Still, I'm restless this birthday. This is the last year I can say I'm in my 30s, which is part of it. But I also feel like this is the year I have to stop ignoring what I still want to do in my life, and get on with it. Because I want to be the best 40-year-old EVER. And I've got some work to do.

Comments

[HeyJoe]

Let me be the first to post a Happy Birthday comment. Today is also my sister's birthday. Imagine that.

Yes, leaving behind the 30's is difficult. I went through a very rough patch myself. In the end, it's only a number, right?

Enjoy your day.

[Gale]

Found you through "Hey Joe" and wanted to wish you a happy birthday!

[maringuy]

Happy Birthday!!! If it helps, this post made me feel a whole lot less depressed about being almost 31 and sharing those same thoughts re: financial security and "being where I want to be." Anyway, if it helps, picture me sighing contentedly that I still have 8 MORE YEARS - or the entire time since graduating college til now!!! - until I have to face what you're facing today. ;) Congrats on another year, congrats on throwing yourself wholeheartedly back into blogging (I recently did the same - it's invigorating), and keep it up! Happy birthday CB.

[Deadpan]

I gotcha covered...

http://trailer.typepad.com/factory/2007/12/cookiebitch-now.html

[Kath]

Found you thru Deadpan Happiest of birthdays on your special day. And let's hear it for all Sagittarians.

Yay us :-)

[Daisy]

If I had known you were this depressed on your birthday, I would have gotten you much drunker the night we went out.