IT'S STILL ROCK AND ROLL TO ME

I recently flew back to Seattle for a weekend to see Billy Joel in concert with my best friend, my niece, and her best friend. It was my fourth Bill Joel concert, as I grew up an avid Billy fan.

This picture is of a much younger Bitch (left) and my best friend (right) all gussied up for our first concert in 1987. Notice the 80s hair on me, the baby blue eye shadow, and the one piece nautical-style "jumper." And the saddest part of all this is I thought I looked pretty hot.

Please take a moment to realize how brave I am in showing this picture to you and opening myself up for humiliation. Why would I do such a thing, you wonder? I consider this to be a public service - a reminder that the 80s were not a pretty time, and that perm solution can fry your brain, as well as make you look ridiculous. So when you are tempted to listen to the new Duran Duran album and buy some leg warmers, which I'm told are making a comeback, I beg you ... JUST WALK AWAY. You'll thank me later ... believe me.

My best friend looks a little less like an 80s reject, although I'd like to point out that her earring is a wrapped condom. She had two originally, but in a moment of passion after going out one night, well ... sometime a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to be safe. You have to admire her preparedness.

But back to Billy Joel. Saying I'm a Billy Joel fan is probably an understatement. For example, I didn't just buy all of his albums (albums, for those of you who are too young to know, are big black circular discs that you play on an antique device called a record player), but I also felt it necessary to track down the albums he made while in two bands called Attila and The Hassles when he was in his youth. Both bands sucked, although it took me a lot of years to get up the nerve to say that, and I still feel a little guilty doing so. Sorry Billy. But any album that features Billy dressed up in a skirt and tights standing in the middle of room with hanging meat has got to make anyone wonder - "What the hell were you thinkin', Bill?"

Still, I managed to pass my appreciation for Billy on to my best friend, and then on to my niece, who managed to pass it on to her best friend. It's a whole circle of life kind of thing, really. So it was only natural that going to the concert together held some interesting symmetry. When I first saw Billy, I was about my niece's age. It would be interesting to see the concert through her eyes. For both my best friend and I, it was also a test to see if not only Billy could still rock, but if we could still rock - and keep up with 20-year-olds while we did it.

But of course, people had to rain on our parade. Mostly it was the looks and comments we got when we told people we were going to see Billy Joel. One smartass asked if we were bringing Depends in case we got so excited we peed ourselves. Now I realize that none of us are as young as we used to be ... but this wasn't a Yanni concert, after all! And while I doubted Billy would be doing flips off the piano like he did when we first saw him, I didn't think he'd be coming out in a walker either.

So I flew my old Billy-Joel-lovin' self to Seattle, where at my niece's apartment we began the festivities with some pineapple rum and a rousing rendition of "Pressure" in her living room. Of course, my best friend and I knew all the words to all the songs. And we had no problem - even before the rum - screaming them at the top of our lungs and dancing around with absolutely no thought to our dignity.

My niece and her best friend were more reserved - and it was getting on my nerves quite frankly. They weren't even drinking very much. What was the deal? It's Billy Freakin' Joel - the original Angry Young Man - a rock and roll legend! Sure, now he was more like a bitter aging man, but you should still be PSYCHED!

When I expressed my irritation to my niece, she just gave me a bored look. "We do stuff like this all the time," she told me. "It's not as much of a big deal as it is for you, since you don't get out much."

I made a note to cut her out of my will. Boy did I feel like an incredible geek, and an incredibly old geek at that. But I was still excited to go to the concert! I mean, by the time I was allowed to escape the old folks home again, who knew if Billy would even be alive?

We had made reservations for a nice dinner before the concert at a waterfront restaurant, so after more pineapple rum, and some raspberry rum just for good measure, we called a cab to come get us. The problem was, we couldn't get through to any of them. All the lines were either busy, or went to voice mail. Apparently all those old people who had their licenses revoked because they could not see over the steering wheel had beat us to the punch - taking every last taxi in the city to go see Billy Joel before they died.

We kept trying, but time was ticking ... and ticking fast. So finally I did something that I was unable to do 20 years ago when I first went to Billy Joel and something my niece was also unable to do. I called a limo company and rented out a Town Car - promising extra money if they got here fast. What I had lost over the years in coolness I had gained in disposable income.

Traffic was horrible, so by the time the town car arrived, we no longer had time for a sit-down dinner. Also, a good portion of the rum was gone. The remainder I had put in a flask in my back pocket, and in a Tupperware container we brought with us in the back seat. I was shocked that I had to think of this and that my niece and her best friend had not taken responsibility for bringing more alcohol. Had I taught them nothing? These damned kids these days! Never thinking ahead!

Drunk, we piled into the Town Car where our driver, Dimitris, began what I can only imagine was the longest job of his life. We told him to take us to the concert, but to stop at Dick's on the way. For you non-Seattle-ites, Dick's is a burger joint that caters to college kids because you can still get a burger, fries and a coke there for around $3. Beautiful! If only they served deep fried macaroni and cheese!

On our way to Dick's, we began drinking from the Tupperware container. As Dimitris tried to weave through traffic, he hit some bumps, and half of the contents in the Tupperware container dumped out all over the front of me, and all over the back seat of the Town Car.

"No problem Dimitris!" I assured him. "It will evaporate!"

The vodka was starting to take hold now, and as it did we became more and more like sailors, swearing at passers by, the traffic, each other, and even the vodka for not being able to spontaneously reproduce.

Dimitris started to look at us nervously. He didn't know how to handle 2 drunk 20-year-olds and what appeared to be their drunk mothers.

My best friend started making conversation with him in the front seat to take his focus off the damage we were doing in the back.

"Do you like Billy Joel?" she asked him.

"I don't know this Billy Joel ... who is he?" Dimitris replied.

That's all we needed.

"How long have you lived in the United States Dimitris? And you don't know who Billy Joel is? Are you kidding me? Are you some sort of spy?"

The abuse went on until we got to Dick's. By this time I had to pee really bad - so bad that every time I moved, a drop would dribble out like an overfull glass. I was afraid that some of my pee may have even gotten out in the back seat, with the vodka, and mentioned my concern out loud. Dimitris looked like he was about to cry.

The problem with Dick's is there is no place to sit inside, and therefore no public restrooms. So my only option was to go behind the restaurant and pee in the alley. This act ended up impressing my niece, who thought it hilarious that her aging aunt had the guts to drop her drawers in a public area. Little did she know I do this all the time.

Meanwhile, my best friend had purchased Dimitris a hamburger and was begging him not to leave us at the fast food restaurant. Although he was obviously concerned, he agreed, and we made it to the concert with very little further incident, although we managed to trash the inside of the car with burger grease and fries.

We stood outside near some bushes for awhile, draining the last of the Tupperware container before we threw it under a tree. We were ready to go. Billy, here we come.

We had great seats, in the first section next to the stage. As the lights went down and Billy began to play the prelude to "Angry Young Man," my best friend and I jumped out of our seats. We rarely sat again the entire night - singing along and dancing to every song.

Trouble was, we were the only people in our section who were standing. Everyone else sat there very dignified, smiling and clapping but refraining from actually PARTICIPATING. What the hell? This was a concert, people! Stand the fuck up! I started screaming at the people next to me to show some respect. If Billy was giving it his all, they should be too. What the hell was their problem?

Then I saw a few people on the floor dancing. And I stopped cold. They looked like complete morons. One guy just kept beating his fist into the air like a Nazi. It would be one thing if he was doing it to the beat, but he wasn't. Was this what I looked like, I wondered? Had my age turned me into this kind of embarrassment? And could a man who danced like this have ever had sex?

I tried to block those disturbing thoughts from my brain, but I could see my niece and her best friend pointing and laughing at him too. He was evidently putting on a very entertaining side show.

Luckily, Billy wasn't doing bad either. He sounded great - even singing the high parts on "An Innocent Man" - something he hadn't done at his last concert. He did a lot of piano work, some old obscure stuff that only real fans would recognize like "Zanzibar", and even paid tribute to Jimi Hendrix (who lived and died in Seattle) with a rendition of "Purple Haze." He didn't jump off the piano, but he did play background guitar and wander the stage while a roadie named Chainsaw sang "Highway to Hell." It was also great to see some of his old band members - Mark Rivera and Crystal Taliefero in particular. They looked older too - but somehow that was a comfort to me.

I heard from someone I knew who was standing in the front row that Billy was pretty winded at the end of the concert, and probably could have used an oxygen tank. To be honest, all that dancing and singing made me a little winded too, and I wondered if that was the problem with the crowd ... they just didn't want to tax themselves. After all, it was a Thursday night.

But although we all looked older, and didn't have the stamina we used to, I have to say I really didn't feel any older that night. I felt the same as I did the first time I went, although I didn't have the fumes from my permed hair making me sick this time.

There's a line in one Billy Joel song that says "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints." In this case, I'd much rather dance with the morons than sit quietly with my hands in my lap. Sometimes you have to stop thinking about how old you are and just enjoy the moment, no matter how silly you look or how many alleys you have to pee in. Because that, in the end, is what really keeps you young.

Comments

[Joe]

Where to begin? I was unaware of your BJ devotion. The wife and I also grew up as fans, and have probably been to at least 3 concerts. I also have that Attila album, though I must admit I don't think I've ever listened to it in its entirety. Pretty awful stuff.
About a month ago, 52nd St. was playing on continuous rotation on my car’s TAPE DECK. Did he play Stiletto? Half a Mile Away? Rosalinda’s Eyes? I don’t think I’ve ever heard Zanzibar live. He wasn’t playing the obscure stuff when we saw him. Oh, I heard he did Root Beer Rag when he played the Bay Area. Would have enjoyed that one. Happy to hear he’s still able to pound out Prelude/Angry Young Man.
What about You’re my Home, from Song’s in the Attic (or technically was it Cold Spring Harbor?) Or Miami 2017? So many great songs.
Nice fucking picture, by the way. I think a family of birds could have nested in that mane of yours. But after the picture of myself I posted not so long ago, I can’t really dole out TOO large a portion of shit. But I will anyway. Looks like you were dressed for success on Fleet Week baby.

[Cookiebitch]

He did play Stiletto, which I thought was appropriate since I was wearing Stilettos (he did it for me, really). He also played Rootbeer Rag and it was awesome. I've seen him play Miami 2017 in concert before but he didn't do it this time, sadly.

Nice to know there are other people who spent good money on the Atilla album. YIKES :)

[Joe]

Nice to hear that Billy can still put himself through the paces. I was a little concerned, given his age and all. I'll have to try to catch him if he comes through town again soon.

[Daisy]

I thought I was a Billy fan, but you are a freak!

I had a similar experience at an Eagles concert about a year ago. I was by far one of the youngest people in the arena, but still wondered why everyone, including myself, looked so old and tired. When I started listening to the Eagles and during the first two concerts I attended, you could always count on a drunken chick to flash her tits to the band and people would still do lines of coke off of a stranger's tape case.

What has happened to the world? What has happened to us?