DON'T TOUCH THOSE SOCKS!

My step son is here for the summer. He's almost 15.

His mother has never been one to accept the fact that her little boy is no longer a little boy. At 5 '7, 210 pounds, he's really more like a linebacker. Forget asking him to unscrew the pickle jar, or haul heavy stuff around the house. I ask him to go beat up people for me - like that kid who keeps shooting plastic BB's into our yard. Sometimes I just bring him along for the intimidation factor - like when I have to go the auto mechanic. "Okay, I'll take your word for it that my carburetor is shot. But if I find out you're lying, my step-son here will have to pay you a visit - and it won't be a friendly visit, capiche?"

Right before the linebacker came to our house, my husband got a panicked phone call from his ex. Once he got the screeching to stop, he managed to figure out what the problem was. Apparently the lad was touching himself quite frequently these days. And she wanted it to stop.

"When he comes there for the summer, I want you to have a talk with him. He's not to touch himself anymore!" she cried.

"Did you talk to him about it?" my husband asked her. "What did you say?"

"I told him it was gross and disgusting and that he should wait until he's married to touch himself."

Nice. Confuse the boy for life. After all, don't you need to touch yourself the most when you AREN'T married and don't have a built in outlet? And I'd be more worried if the boy wasn't touching himself at this point. Men just like to touch themselves. It's normal for them, like laughing at their own farts. Hell ... I still can't get my husband to take his hands out of his pants sometimes.

I grew up in a family where we didn't talk about sex ... didn't even acknowledge it existed. I got all my information about sex from the playground. I remember in elementary school when someone said something about masturbation, causing all the other kids to laugh. I didn't know what the hell it meant, and my lack of laughter obviously gave my naivety away. The kids jumped on me like I was a trampoline made out of Skittles. "You don't know what masturbation is! HA HA ... LOSER!" they said. "I DO SO!" I insisted. This went on for awhile until I broke down crying and ran away. When I asked my mother later what masturbation was, she looked at me horrified and told me what I didn't know couldn't hurt me.

I always told myself I would never put my kids through that. When I was in college, I knew a girl whose parents had always been very open with her about sex, and she just seemed so much more at ease with herself because of it. She wasn't as insecure as all of us who had to look up masturbation in the dictionary. I vowed to be like her parents and not have my kids feeling bad about sex, or like it was something dirty or secretive. So naturally, this whole thing with my step-son upset me. I vowed to be the cool chick who would be calm and rational about his pubescent changes. I'd be open and honest, and emphasize he was normal and healthy.

Then he came to our house, and my plan began falling apart. I wasn't as liberal as I thought, I found out. I wasn't as cool as I wanted to be. To be honest, I became a little nuts. I started worrying when he took long showers, or stayed in his room for hours that he was TOUCHING HIMSELF the whole time. I became afraid of going into his room or touching his laundry - especially after a friend at work told me that her step-sons used to jack off into their socks. Jacking off in socks is a long-held male secret that many women don't know about. Apparently, its just a good way to keep it contained and off the wall or floor. Even my friend didn't know about this at first. For a long time, she would pick up these crusty, stiff socks from their room without any understanding why they were so foul. Then her husband told her what they were probably doing, and she was never the same again. When she relayed this story to me, I was never the same again either.

I began viewing my step-sons socks with suspicion, and a little nausea. If I saw his hands near his crotch at any time, I had to suppress a panic attack. Was he going to touch himself? WAS HE?!!!

No matter how cool of a parent you think you are, it is just weird to see your kids turn into adults. It wasn't just my step-son's mom that had a hard time seeing him as growing up. Apparently I was having some issues too. I have known him since he was 5, and it just seemed weird to think of him as almost being a man - a man with urges and thoughts and a penis with a mind of its own. Soon I would be giving him handfuls of condoms and telling him I wasn't going to be raising any babies he accidentally fathered. Where had the time gone?

I have held it together so far - and have managed to deal with the whole situation by making his FATHER deal with the whole situation for me. And I've also taught the boy to do his own laundry, avoiding the whole sock phobia I've developed. I'm sure I'll get used to it over time. But right now, I'm taking my mother's advice and hoping that what I don't know - or don't want to know - won't hurt me. Or him, for that matter.

Comments

[teebopop]

I too am a step-parent. And, I've gone through the same sticky (no pun intended) situation - only with a stepdaughter. Yup. They have urges too.

Since we had full custody (mom is deceased), it was pretty much left up to dad and I. And in this case, me.

I caught my oldest in the midst of self-love in the middle of the afternoon - when she thought no one was home.

Very awkward.

I didn't say anything to her at that very moment. Although the first inclination was to immediately make her stop and startle her into a state of shock so that she would never do that again.

But it wasn't realistic.

So, I backed away (she did not know I was standing there in shock myself) and let her finish her business.

When she came out of the room, and saw me semi-calmly having a cup of coffee (with some Kaluha to calm my nerves), I asked her to sit down.

I looked her straight in the face, eye-to-eye and told her that I had walked in on her while she was masturbating. I then proceeded to tell her that while this was a normal activity and that there was nothing wrong with it, I did tell her that there was a time and a place and doing it with her bedroom door open because she thought no one was home was just in appropriate on so many levels.

Not once did I say that what she was doing was inappropriate. I did not want her to feel ashamed that she was having these normal urges.

I told her that the next time she felt the urge to relieve some sexual tension that she was to close and LOCK her bedroom door.

I also told her to confine her activities to her room, when she was alone, and then proceeded to talk to her about whether or not she was sexually active and what we needed to do about it.

She really opened up to me that day (and no, she wasn't sexually active) and she knew from that point on that she could talk to me about anything. And, I'm afraid she did!

I'm sure that if your step-son knew that you knew, he probably would curtail his activities on such a frequent basis. But you have to give him the time, freedom, and privacy to do what is natural. But, you have to tell him in such a way that he knows that there while you understand the need for him to do his business, that it's not necessary to flaunt it carelessly. It's a private matter and should remain private.

I don't know if my oldest stepdaughter thought I was a cool parent or not. I DO know that she understood that I was open to talk about anything.

[Jack]

I have a friend who recently walked in on his daughter and her boyfriend.

Apparently she has mirrored doors on the closet so he saw far more than he wanted to.

I wonder if she knows how traumatized her father was. To paraphrase him, It is not easy to find out that your daughter enjoys sex as much as you do.

Fortunately mine is all of 3 so I have some time before I worry about this.

[Joe]

I hope the young lad does not read this site.

[Daisy]

You have grossed me out on so many levels.

The fact that you put the sock story in print gives me the willies.

You should be ashamed!

[Joe]

This grossed me out, BTW. And..OK, I've used a sock, but I'd never even heard of it until much later in life. I was clearly deprived.

[matthew conway]

my son thinks it is nasty to use his own socks, trust me, he didnt lock his door when he was sixteen and i walked in on him using one of his 19 year old sister's socks, uh, that was nasty!

[dadoftheboy]

My son and I live alone. I told him everything I knew about it(quite a lot since it's been my favorite game for about 25 years now), and I gave him a lock on his door and told him I didn't want to walk in on him, just like he doesn't want to walk in on me. I also told him that any shower longer than 10-15 minutes was an dead give-away. That was at 13. He's been doing his own laundry since 10, so unless there was a question, (there have been a few) we could pretend he and Dad both have locks on their doors because we don't our work/homework to be disturbed.