THE IMPORTANCE OF TWIRLING

(Yawn)

(Stretch)

(Rub eyes)

(Blink in disbelief)

WAHHHH? What time is it? Better yet, what MONTH is it? And how did all of you get in my room?

(Looking down at her Cookiebitch self in horror)

More importantly, why am I naked?

And how did I get so old and fat?

Holy crap! A girl falls asleep on the couch after one-too-many margaritas and all of a sudden Christmas has come and gone, as well as New Years, Groundhog Day, Valentines Day, St. Patrick's Day and Easter. SHIT! That's one fucking KILLER BENDER! To make up for lost time, I'm going to have to get drunk under a tree with some Leprechauns wearing a huge pink Easter Bonnet as I try to get a glimpse of my shadow and eat chocolate out of a huge ass heart I paid way too much for in an effort to get laid.

But alas ... I only wish it was tequila that has made me so numb and confused. It is instead life that has dulled my senses and taken me away from the things I love ... like cabana boys, spontaneous nudity, and you, dear reader.

Have you ever woken up one day and thought "I miss ME." You work your ass off, at both work and relationships and just plain surviving, and you find yourself waking up one morning wondering "Is this it? Shouldn't it get better when you work this hard?" You no longer recognize yourself in the mirror, thinking to yourself "Who is this old, tired person with a spouse and kids and a mortgage and a job?"

For the last several months I have thought of my life in the future instead of the now, looking for the right time to blog again, to get in touch with old friends, to do that wild and crazy thing I always said I'd get around to but never quite did. I keep thinking in terms of "when this big project is done at work," or "when the house gets clean/fixed/remodeled" or "after I pay that huge fucking tax bill." The thing is, there's always another project, always something breaking, and always something sucking your bank account dry. If you wait for the perfect time to do anything, you might as well just wait to die. That is, if you can fit it into your schedule.

Joe was right in his earlier post about me being lured back into corporate land by a huge, engorged, throbbing carrot. Now that I'm discovered the wonderful world of money, I want to make more of it. I want to work my way up at this company so I can retire to cabana boys and tequila and spontaneous nudity. There I go again ... thinking in terms of "some day." Coming back to Smurfville gave me delusions of  grandeur.

That led to me thinking about things like getting a better house, helping my niece with school, saving more for retirement. But in all this frenzy to save more, do more, achieve more, I somehow lost the fun of it. I lost a little bit of me. I kept thinking I'd have fun later ... when I got all this other, important stuff done. Which, looking at my schedule, should happen right around the year 2189.

I remember once telling my niece when she was little that whatever happens in life, you have to make time to do something totally meaningless and fun - just to do it. Like twirling. I used to embarrass the hell out of her sometimes by spontaneously twirling (which is different from spontaneous nudity, but you can do them together. Just have someone hold your bail money for you.) We'd be walking down the street, in the mall, wherever, and I'd just put my hands out and twirl. Just because I could. It served no purpose really. But it did make me feel good - young and alive somehow. And it showed I didn't give a shit about what anyone else thought. It's kind of a polite version of the finger, a way to say ... "Fuck you over there paying your cell phone bill ... I'm twirling. What do you think of that? Bet you feel like a loser now, eh?"

There are things I miss in my life ... listening to music, walking in the park, sharing a laugh with an old friend I haven't talked to in awhile, singing in the shower, wearing those leopard-print thigh-high boots I know a woman my age has no business being seen in, dancing in the living room with my husband. These things, as minor or trivial as they may seem in the big picture of life, help make me, ME. I like the silly part of me that just does something because she CAN. There's something that really raises you up when you live in the moment, especially when there are so many big weighty things in life dragging you down.

So I've decided this is the time ... NOW ... to do these things again, including blog. I blog not because I have to, not because it serves any higher purpose, not even because Joe nags me to do it. I do it because, like twirling, it helps me feel alive, a little crazy, and more like ME. It gives me an outlet to say "Fuck you ... I'm blogging. What do you think of that?"

Comments

[J]

*CLUNK* <--sound of head hitting my desk.

Welcome back CB. It's good to see you, even if you aren't naked. Or are you??

[Daisy]

Oh my sweet cookie! So glad to have you back. I too am realizing that the projects never end and new things keep piling on. We have got to make "me time" for ourselves...everything else will still be there tomorrow...if not, we'll be dead and none of it will matter anyway.