NON-STOP TO LOONY-VILLE

There is one thing I miss about being poor, and one thing only.

Public transit.

There is nothing more comical than watching the crazies on the bus or subway. NOTHING.

Unlike the people that I work with who are psychologically unstable but PRETEND they have it all together (who are they fooling?), the loons on public transit don't have such pretenses. They are fucking nuts, and PROUD of it. They want to SHOUT it from the rooftops, or at least from the platform of BART: "Yes, I listen to the voices in my head, and they told me to take off all my clothes and pretend I'm a sprinkler!"

I have respect for these people, because they are REAL. They are HONEST. They are so PURE in their craziness, they make all the Prozac-taking corporate crazies I know seem like amateurs.

My niece, who is a poor college student, uses the Seattle bus system quite often. She actually owns a car, but still chooses to take the bus sometimes just because its cheaper and easier than finding parking, not to mention way more entertaining.

She was coming home the other night on the bus with some of her girlfriends when one such adorable crazy decided to start a loud conversation with no one in particular:

"I know all your mom's want to get with me, because I have a HUGE ding-a-ling," was his opener, which, let's face it, is BRILLIANT.

Crazies often refer to their genitalia, I have found. Although rarely have I heard them use the word "ding-a-ling." That's just good dialog right there. And so refreshing from what a run-of-the-mill crazy would call his penis.

His monologue about his "ding-a-ling" went on for awhile. Then, abruptly, he started muttering "Oh nooooo," under his breath. Then, with perfect comedic timing, he announced he had shit himself.

But wait ... this isn't just a stoic performance folks. Comedy, for it to be truly genius, has to hit on a variety of different levels. It can't just be about the dialog. It has to also be about the slapstick.

To punctuate his announcement, he then pulled down his pants to prove to the bus crowd that he had, indeed, shit himself. Then - with pants around the ankles, soiled bottom and proud ding-a-ling protruding - he proceeded to shuffle around the bus, muttering "I have to get off the bus. I have to get off the bus."

Bravo! Bravo!

Sometimes I think it would be a good idea for public transit to offer "dinner shows" where they serve pork chops or possibly a nice white fish and invite the crazies to perform. For an elevated ticket price, you can order a wine spritzer and just sit back and enjoy the show. And if you really like it, you just stay on the bus instead of getting off at your stop and do it all again. Because, let's face it, the crazies never stop, and the later it gets, the show just gets better. I'm telling you - cities could make a KILLING off this idea. There would be no need for taxes, no worries about patrons drinking and driving because they have a built in ride home. And you don't even have to pay the talent - just let them ride for free.

WHAT'S FUNNIER?

In keeping with the "shitting yourself" theme, I'd like to refer you to my good friend Deadpan's blog. Deadpan is a big fan, it seems, of performing midgets who shit themselves as part of their act (or at least we hope it's part of the act - it should be.)

This entry prompted my husband and I to engage in a deep, philosophical discussion about what's funnier - midgets in general, or the act of shitting oneself. We are still arguing about it, actually.

Now I, for one, think midgets are just damned hilarious no matter what they do. How can you not look at a midget and just giggle uncontrollably? It's their over-sized feet and hands, their little squeaky voices, their itsy-bitsy clothes. There's something REALLY funny about someone doing nothing at all and it still being hilarious.

My husband, however, is of the "any bodily function is hands down funny" camp. Farting, shitting, flicking boogers - it's all good to him. And anyone can do it, he argues. Unlike midgets, who are born with their gift for making people giggle, regular everyday schmucks can be funny by just ripping a juice bomb or defecating on themselves.

So, dear readers, I am letting you decide. What do you think is funnier, and why? It is a heady question I know ... but one that needs answering.

Comments

[Daisy]

Midgets are funnier. Though shit stories are more prevalent in every day life.

The ultimate would be a midget on the BART train at midnight after a few rounds at a Chinese buffet.

[Deadpan]

Hands down funniest thing ever: Shitting a midget. Accidentally. On a bus.

[liz]

so...i believe shitting is better. cause i mean.. its all fun and games until an 18 year old shits his pants. (don't ask) but what i truly think is hilarious is when my roommate pees on her floor. peeing on things can be funny in general, but the classic part of this is that while she is sleeping, she gets up, takes her pants off, and pees all over her floor...then gets back in bed with no memory of it the next morning. this is something that she admits is new for her and although it provides excellent comedy, her room smells... HORRIBLY. i'm getting her puppy urine remover for for xmas. also i'm thinking about starting to pour water all over her floor every night just to freak her out. i think it could be fun

[liz]

wow.. sry. i must remember that patience is a virtue