IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE A SICK FREAK

I'm thinking that Cookiebitch needs to class itself up a wee bit.

You see, Typepad allows bloggers to look at their "referrers," meaning you can see where people coming to you your site came from. It can be really cool for the ego, especially when you find out a blogger from the other side of the country linked to you. It's kind of like high school, when you were desperately looking for people who like you. Only this time, you don't have to smoke, drink, or put out for people to take notice. You only have to write about smoking, drinking and putting out.

I've been looking at my referrer stats this past week, and a lot of people come to Cookiebitch from Google or web searches. They have a hankering to find something, and that hankering leads them here.

It's what that hankering is for that concerns me. Even an attention-needy whore like me has standards. And there are some crowds you just don't want to be popular with.

Some of it I expected. I already knew, for example, that people searching for "perky nipples" would be referred here as I have frequently written about nipples and boobs. What can I say? Tits sell.

I guess I can also understand the people who search for "vibrators" and find themselves reading about my favorite marital aids. I mean, what do I expect when I tell personal stories like this? I just wanted to share, dear reader. Isn't that what blogging is all about?

Hence why I also shared about my personal feelings toward my vagina and about thongs - also popular searches that have brought readers here. So again, I guess I have to understand that I'm going to get a certain amount of perv traffic from this.

There's also my posts on farting, shitting and puking, not to mention my obsession with midgets and bathroom etiquette. Is anyone seeing a pattern here besides me? So why am I surprised when I get readers who are searching for "women farting" or "tear off my clothes?"

Not to leave out my sadomasochistic fans, there's also the reader who searched for "amputating toes for beauty" - a proposition I have seriously considered and still may do.

Some of this I am proud of. It shows I have a reader base. It proves that I can RELATE to the regular freak out there - the unwashed masses. Welcome my children. I hope you feel at home. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

But there is a limit to the kind of freak I am willing to welcome with open arms. For example, I'm not exactly excited to see the guy who searched for "vaginal images give me pink and close-up" coming back here. Nor do I want the three people who searched for "face farting shitting" to make themselves at home. You people can go see my friend Joe if you want though - he's desperate for blog traffic and is an even bigger whore than I am.

So I'm thinking I need to start branching out a bit from my usual vulgar posts - you know, show that the Bitch is multi-dimensional so that I will begin attracting a classier type of clientele. Maybe I'll start doing book reviews, or reviewing the theater. Instead of having polls to decide whether midgets or shitting yourself is funnier, I can start debating politics and philosophy instead. I'll start smoking a pipe and wear a velvet jacket with satin lapels and talk in a British accent. Hell, I'll even start wearing underwear. And instead of guzzling tequila as I write these posts, I'll start sipping tea with my pinkie finger pointing outward just so.

Then again, can a sober, underwear-wearing bitch really be that interesting? Probably not. Which is why I find happiness in midgets and sex toys and farting.

I guess I'm just doomed to be a bottom dweller. But damn if that gutter ain't fun. I'm even going to buy a mat to put down here, one that says "Welcome Freaks."

Comments

[Cookiebitch]

Since I posted this, I got another person who got to this site by searching for "Let me see your thongs bitch."
I'd like to respond by saying: "Let me see yours first, maggot. And while you are at it, you can clean my floors with your tongue, you bad, bad boy."

[Daisy]

What can I say? I hate to tell you this, but you are a freak. Anyone who turns down a perfectly good brownie has issues.

[Cookiebitch]

Update: Someone just googled me by typing in "skanky whore mom" as a search. They need to get it right: I'm actually a "skanky whore step-mom." I won't tolerate misinformation on this site!

[j]

this is one of those posts that can be continually updated. Great fun!

[j]

and you call me a whore like it's a bad thing.