My niece is taking a woman's studies class she is pretty excited about. I thought the class would focus on why women should run the universe and enslave men so they can vacuum and take out the garbage anytime we demand it. I also thought it might help explain some female behaviors that even I, as a female, am baffled about - like why we always have to go to the bathroom in packs; instinctively know the difference between teal and aqua; and can drive, smack the screaming child in the backseat, and apply lipstick all at the same time while talking to our girlfriend on our cell phone.
But the class doesn't delve into any of this. Instead, the class mainly focuses on vaginas. I know this because my niece, while sitting in class one day, texted me the message "Vaginas are cool."
Far be it for me to argue. After all, I think there is a clear reason why this statement is not only correct, but why men everywhere secretly wish they were women. And no ... it's not because we can have babies. That's the standard line feminists will give you when trying to prove women's superiority. Forgive me if I don't see that as a blessing, but more of a curse. And anyone who thinks that men actually are jealous of this is a complete idiot. Men may TELL women that in an effort to fake sensitivity and get laid. But when women are out of earshot, men quietly thank God each day that they CAN'T give birth.
No, the reasons that vaginas are, indeed, cool, can be summed up in two simple, beautiful words: "multiple orgasms." I like to think of multiple orgasms as Mother Nature's payment to women for having to worry about getting pregnant and giving birth. It is the one thing that men are truly jealous of women for. And we deserve this blessing, don't we ladies? After all, men don't have to go through having a period, having pap smears or enduring menopause. So they fucking deserve to have one measly little orgasm, don't they? Plus, the fact that we CAN have multiple orgasms puts more pressure on THEM to actually deliver. No woman worries about men having an orgasm - that's like worrying about the sun coming up each day. It is inevitable. We don't have to do a thing for it to happen. Men, on the other hand have to PERFORM for us to have a good time. That's a lot of pressure.
So yes, Virginia, vaginas are cool. And when I got this text message, I thought for sure that my niece must be learning about multiple orgasms that day. But noooooooooo ... her lessons were much more dark and sinister.
She was learning about things such as the menstrual cycle, the birth canal, various disgusting female excretions, and vaginal tearing. Her awe came from the fact that the vagina can endure so MUCH and still keep on functioning - much like if the energizer bunny had been at Auschwitz.
She began sharing this information with me over the phone that night, at which time I curled into a fetal position and begged her to stop. "But don't you want to KNOW about what your vagina can DO?" she asked me. "It's fucking AMAZING! It can stretch to 100 times its normal size, the lips can tear and then heal themselves, it can ..."
I think I blacked out a little right around that time. Cause I don't remember much after that.
This is the thing ... while I am eternally grateful that I am a woman, and while I am proud to own a vagina and ecstatic that I have been blessed with multiple orgasms, I don't really want to know anything else ABOUT that area of my body. I believe that God, or Mother Nature, or the little green men who made me, put my vagina at the opposite end of my head and eyes for a REASON, and that it put all the other intricacies of my reproductive system neatly tucked up INSIDE so I wouldn't HAVE to know what goes on with them. That doesn't mean I don't believe in taking care of them, and going to the doctor so SHE can look at them. It just means that I, personally, am on a need to know basis only regarding my female extremities. And most things I just DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
I had a gynecologist once who offered to give me a mirror during my yearly exam so I could look at my cervix and see what she was doing. I looked at her in stunned terror. "What the hell would I want to do that for?" I asked her. "I thought you'd like to understand more about your body," she replied. "Fuck no," I shuddered. "That's just weird." I never went back to her. Freak.
Men don't have to deal with this. Never have I heard of men being offered a close up look at their prostrate while at the doctor's office. Maybe it's because doctors know they will be punched in the face if they mention something so ridiculous.
I realize not all women have the same attitude toward their vaginas like I do. I have one friend who thinks vaginas are the most beautiful things on the planet and talks about them with the same reverence I would use referring to a carton of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. She's a lesbian, by the way, so I don't really think it counts that she is obsessed by vaginas. It's a little freaky though, as she tends to see vaginas everywhere - in artwork, in a flower garden, or burned as an image into her morning toast. She's like the kid in the movie "The Sixth Sense" who proclaims "I see dead people," only she sees vaginas. But I know other women, too, who think vaginas are beautiful and powerful and will straddle a mirror for hours getting to "know" theirs.
Me? I'm perfectly happy just knowing it is there when I need it. And that, quite frankly, is enough.