STUPID TOILET TRICKS

One of my friends at work told me that every day when she gets up in the morning she thinks to herself ... "Maybe TODAY will be the day. Maybe TODAY will be the day that people won't annoy me with their ignorance and stupidity."

And every day she's disappointed.

I'm less optimistic. I wake up in the morning and think to myself "I wonder exactly how stupid people can be today." That way, I'm not setting myself up for failure. I'm just embracing the stupidity in an eyes-wide-open manner, almost daring it to impress me.

And I am never disappointed.

Each and every day I am still wowed by how lazy, piggish and just plain wacko people can be. It's not the stuff like forgetting a deadline, or doing a report half-assed that bothers me so much. It's the stuff that shows that not only is it questionable how these people got their job in the first place, it is questionable how they can take care of themselves without choking on their own tongue or sticking their finger in a light socket because they have no basic common sense and are borderline retarded (no offense to my retarded readers, by the way).

No other place in the corporate world is this more apparent than the bathroom. I've known people at past jobs that have been so upset at what happens in the corporate john that they refuse to go there, opting instead to hold things in and being in pain until they can get to their own potty at home.

I refuse to do the "wee wee" dance, so I brave the battleground of the work bathroom each and every day. And again, I am never disappointed by the grossness or stupidity.

Most of it is just a matter of hygiene, like people who don't wash their hands after they've done their doody. One of my former male coworkers told me that people probably feel less compelled to wash their hands after a number one than a number two. But i just don't care. When you hand me that memo I don't want to worry about getting some of your urine on me, let alone anything else. Besides, you eat with those hands. Have you thought about where they've been?

There's the people who seem unable to control their urine stream, which I really worry about considering I go to the ladies room. I mean, how hard can it be girls? If you are gushing like Old Faithful, and in a variety of directions, I think it is time to see the doctor, don't you? And if you are a guy, try to concentrate long enough to aim, please. Stop thinking about the hot new chick in accounting or the big game on Friday long enough to complete the task at hand in a civilized manner. And if you do happen to dribble, clean it up. If you know you have directional issues, you can also use one of those paper toilet seat covers. Try to keep in mind that no one wants to sit in a puddle of your pee. This is what separates humans from animals, and why most of us also don't sniff each others butts.

Just this week I went into a stall to find that someone had used the paper toilet seat cover, peed all over it, and left it there. What the fuck? So you are concerned enough to use one of those cover but then you leave it here thinking someone ELSE will be happy to pick it up and throw it away? If I knew who you were, I'd smack you upside the head until that one loose brain cell snapped back into place.

I'm also not a big advocate of the bringing stuff into the toilet stall with you - especially your work. I've known people to bring their meeting notes or files with them to review while doing their business. They call it multi-tasking. I call it gross. Common ... if you are so overworked you can't even take a shit, maybe its time to put your resume on Career Builder.

Zip up your fly or put down your skirt before you walk out of the stall. I don't need to see that. This is not a peep show. And it is really hard to look at someone in authority the same way again when you see their leopard print underwear peaking out of their pants.

Also, when taking a shit, please observe some simple rules:

Rule number one: Courtesy flush. It's not your water bill, so feel free to liberally push on that handle to spare the rest of us from upper respiratory discomfort.

Rule number two: Don't use sound effects. I don't need to hear the intimate details regarding your bowel movement. Keep it to yourself.

Rule number three: Check to make sure there are no floaters, cause from the sounds of it you may have to flush twice.

Finally, going to the bathroom does not have to be a social event. Don't talk on your cell phone while you're on the throne. And don't feel like this is prime time to "bond" with your friend two stalls down. I don't want to hear it. This is not Club Med. You're here for a specific purpose and a specific purpose only. Do it, and move on.

With a little coaching, everyone can be less stupid in the bathroom. Hey, it's a start.

Comments

[Daisy]

So true. So disgusting. Why can't people get their shit together long enough to take a shit properly and respectfully?

[Bidet]

Me myself don't want to make the wee wee dance too. I rather rush to the toilet and pee there instead of making that stupid dance. We should also use some tissue and wash our hands afterwards for the physical hygiene purposes.